windthread

Look

 

 

 

 

 

From Deb Lacativa.    She said she couldn't cut them,  or,  didn't know how she might cut them,  and so Use them.  So she sent them to me.  I look.  How might i possibly Cut one?,  Use one?  

Deb is a Wizard.  Deb is what,  Deb is an intuitive dyer.  Her cloths are of the most magic and elegant forms in the Universe.  The Glow,  they Shine,  they Hummm of Deep things of the Planet.   And they are never the same.  Just as the Universe is evolving,  so too,  her Cloth.

 

 

She dyes thread.  THIS.  This may just stay here.  On the altar.  

 

This is how the wood box should look every evening.  It rarely does.  or,  so far,  it rarely does.  Maybe things are different now.  But Tay and i worked and here it is.  So, ok.

 

and mid day,  i began with the Inktense Pencils.   In the "Black Book".   Not the greatest paper for what they are,  but good enough.   Looking at the "lead" or the bottom of the pencils which one might guess represents the color,  is useless.  It's not at all what shows up with use.   So i do this.  Will give me a sense of their colors,  tho it will be very different on cloth.  But the doing of it was extremely satisfying,  pleasurable,  joyfull,  happy

which leads to the real sense of the day and the word Semantics.

I used to so much love language.  When i imagined myself being able to be a Writer.  I loved words,  how words linked together to form Beauty.  I spent long times in a dreamland of language.  And then suddenly it went away and i just wanted the most spare of things.  The word    Stuff   became a favorite.  

but/and today,  as i was walking back to the faucet after filling the Way Back tub with water,  my Self Mind said "aloud",  i am really Happy.   I noted.   

I am really happy.

How can this be?   this 

really happy.   ????

But i WAS.   In that moment.   Without anything,  i was really happy.  I was walking slowly back to the faucet,  having filled the water tub.   The Goats were chewing their morning alfalfa,  i could hear the sounds of their chewing.  There was Sun.  It wasn't warm yet,  but it also was not Cold.  My hood was up from the sweatshirt.  I had my gloves on.  They were sheltering my hands.  The Fire was burning inside.  There is plenty of wood.  The day was Opening Out.  and right away, then

i thought of Fate.  I thought of how i don't know anything about how it is for him in that moment.

and I thought about this thought.   And there was an unidentifiable sense.  Somehow,  Everything had the same

weight

i don't know another way to say it right now.  But,  Everything had the SAME WEIGHT.  Nothing pulled down.  Nothing rose up.  All.  All was the same.

so maybe this is a clue for what i am trying to understand?

I think of the words Happiness,  Joy,  Pleasure,  and then i immediately set them against/with

sad

But maybe

Everything has the same weight.

 

today was the 4th day that Paul and Billy arrived at 8 a.m. give or take.  The 4th day that Paul's large flatbed is parked inside the fence.  The 4th day that in the evening and then again in the morning their stuff is in the Albatros  on or into the Goad feed.  The 4th day that i have kept alert to their comings and goings through the Goat yards….did they hook the gate?  Sometimes yes,  sometimes no.  So i kept alert.  The thing about Goats,  if they never get loose,  they never consider being loose.  It doesn't occur to them to want to.  But if they do,  even once,  then Forever it will remain formost in their mind…..How to Get Loose Again.   So,  wanting to maintain my 100 % Not Loose record,  i remained alert.   Going around behind them snapping on the latches,  probably annoying them beyond whatever,  but Oh well.   But being the 4th day that was supposed to be 3 at tops,  things were edgy from the beginning.  They were tired of it all.  It's been back breaking work.    Billy doesn't ordinarily do this kind of work.  I asked him and he says he teaches guitar and sings in a band.   Paul, who can do ANYTHING is now at an age where he should limit himself to doing Fine Woodwork at which he excells.  But Bill,  of Bill and Nelia and Alz. B,  asked him to do this "so grace doesn't end up under another fence panel this winter".  We all have a long (ish) relationship…maybe over 10 years, so he said ok.  He shouldn't have.    From this point forward i will make it a point to find someone else if there might come to be a need.  But for now and for a long time coming,  the fence is Strong.

So a few hours into the morning of work,  Billy and Paul had it out.   There was angry sounds from Paul and crying sounds from Billy  and old Chinche who is pretty much deaf heard something of it and peed on her sleeping blanket.  Tay was uhhh,  what?  Tay was disturbed.  She's never heard Anger.  She looked like there were rattle snakes outside.  The Goats gathered in a circle to watch and listen and it ended with Paul telling Billy to Fuck Off and Billy doing that,  on foot.  It's about 8 miles into town.  So i just left Paul alone for a while and then went out and began helping.  Doing what  Billy might have done.  But then we came to the final post that had broken off at the earth with that crazy Wind that smashed me under the fence panel and it was just On Paul.  

 

he dug and dug, pried and pried and this is the between 150 and 200 lb hunk of concrete.  Like a very old and bad tooth.   We ended up opening the back gate which isn't easy and backing in his truck and pulling it out with a chain.   To do this,  the Goats that had taken nosey interest in everything to that point had to be herded into the Cooridor,  a make shift gate set up that didn't fool SnowBunny in the slightest.

 

double click

But it got done and then Everything was done and i helped Paul load up and thanked him again and told him i loved him.

Some other stuff,  some splitting and bringing in wood,  going finally to feed Alan's cats so late,  fill the water bowls,  feed self and while doing the dishes from that which i really wanted to put off till morning but really,  MORe want to wake up tomorrow to a New Day and a clean kitchen,  i had this image of an animal running.  Not really running,  but loping.  Steady,   already a long distance covered.  Just Going,  the animal is Just Going.   But can now smell the scent of water.  

How long has it been since i got those Inktense Pencils????   Still,  still haven't tried them.  And the image now of the Mesquite tree with the Kitebirds or Birdkites caught or lit in it….i smell these like the scent of water.  I smell quiet that way.  Maybe now.  We'll see.  Just for a while would be good.

And i forgot to say.  Last night was the First Frost.  A thin skin of ice in the water bowls…bowels?, cant think how to spell it…bowl.  Water Bowl?????   

It begins.

 

 

this morning, early, was some Looking

then across the road neighbor margie called,  did i have an extra pair of glasses…she couldn't find her's and had looked everywhere and couldn't play her games on her phone.  yes.  i did.

 

and while listening to her morning thoughts, at her gate,   i was looking down into the dirt and stones of the road and saw this.  Metal.  I think copper.  But with lots of corrosion which i don't want to disturb.  How amazing…this,  a Pocket, Envelope, Pouch.  

 

i looked at it this way.

 

the Earth Pouch is finished.  It's in the shop.  I love it a lot,  very very soft.  

 

the flap is Double Invisible Stitch,  Invisible Basting as learned from Jude Hill….but because the silk noile is doubled,  i could make it invisible from both sides.  Glad i thought of it.    I loved making this pouch.

 

and i think about the words of His Holiness,  there on the wall,  just to the right of the Morning Chair,  from a long ago torn off cover of a buddhist publication…

"the suffering and happiness each of us experiences is a reflection of the distortion or clarity with which we view ourselves and the world"

how for so long i took exception to this,  but continued thinking because i truly believe his is the most brilliant mind on the Planet,   and in the last days,  from a recurrent thought in the night,  i may have found a key.  

the thought:    "This shouldn't be happening".  

it's a Key.   for me.   Each of us  lives from our own truths as we know them….so it's just a key for me.  But for me,  it's golden.

 

i     Looked  this morning.

 

was surprised to see that after all the neglect,  some Things remained.  The Flax.  Two Chocolate Flowers,  Garlic coming UP,  Parsley and the Cuban Oregano.  GREEN and persistent.  O.K.and 

yes,  them.  Taken Hold.  And i saw that the rocks and stones of the Cairn have also settled…have changed and become One with Themselves

 

this "houseplant"  that Thelma of the Native Plant People gave me,  that was become spindly on the shelf in the window and i put Out Side here on the porch to die really,  is not dying at all but just fine.  Now What.

 

this scrap,  like really,  a scrap that was on the floor and i picked it up and set it on a piece of cloth on the table and looked and it looks to me like a scrap of cloth Giving Birth

and the day went.  I got an EARLY call from Alyssia.  They were sitting in the car,  outside of the mother of the baby's  Mother's  house.   Waiting for signs of life.  None yet.  Supposedly,  Jeff was inside there.  Some talking to pass time but still nothing and so that was the end of that.

and it was the end of that till late in the day when Alyssia called.  There's no point in detailing it all here,  was a mess and sometimes frightening.    But to say that i gave my credit card stuff and they paid the DNA people and got the results which are that Fate is Blood.  And so…blood, yes but his mother is how she is and did NOT enter rehab today and would NOT let daughter Jenny see him, Fate,  and much more comotion and Jeff and his mother and sister are on the road again back to California.  Where he will enter rehab there.  The fate of Fate still to be seen

and all i can say at the end of this day is that i am so deeply and beyond Beyond grateful for my Buddhist teachings that i have so long and so softly let seep into me

Anyone who prays,  or lights candles,  or or or ,  anyone.  Keep this oh so small one in your heart

 

 

 

Paul and his brother Billy showed up.  This trailer backed in loaded with 4×4 posts,  bags of Quick Crete.   My early Christmas present from Bill,  of Bill and Nelia and Alz B.  (again,  i should put a cast of characters somewhere on the side bar.)   I didn't want them here because daughter and Granddaughter are somewhere between California and here,  driving straight through…i would have liked the day to be quiet because soon it won't be,  but Paul had penciled me in and here they were.  It's for shoring up any weak spots in the whole fence.  They dug holes and put in some of the 4x4s,  cemented them in.  He thinks there are two more days work of it.  eeeee.   And i needed to dig out the bottoms of all 4 gates to the various Goat yards.  Normally i can enter and exit through a crack but to get the wheelbarrow in,  not so easy,  so free them…pitchforking and shovel.  Did it.

I'd not met Paul's brother Billy before.  Somewhere in the day he was telling me how much he loved the Beetles.  How when John Lennon was shot,  his grandfather didn't know how to tell him the news.  How he was so distraught,  they let him stay home from school for a week to grieve.  He told me that every year, never miss,  he has a birthday party for John Lennon.  He has a full set of John Lennon commemorative mugs and everybody gets drunk as they play Beetles music.  Oh…i know,  it wasn't out of the blue,  but because they have their boom box out there while they are working playing Classic Rock,  and i went out when Miss You came on,  Rolling Stones,…turned the volume up Loud.   And a Joy,  while they were setting the  4x4s in Gideon and Flash's yard,  Gideon was  attentive to their work,  standing close and watching and off and on they petted him,  scratched him under his chin,  his ears and admired his beautyFull flowing beard and he just soaked it in.  It was enough to make up in those moments for everything in the world that is off balance.  Tender and Loving  Exchange.  So i had to stay here all day because of how i am and because of Tay,  who is very wary of Men.   She circles and Circles and guards the porch and guards the Goats and just Guards Everything,  because she is Unsure.  So i stayed home.  But needed to do laundry for daughter and granddaughter plus get stuff to make Ruben sandwiches,  so after they left,  at either 4:30 or 5:30 whichever Time you are choosing to go on,  i took off to do laundry at the Old Cowboys.  and go to the grocery during the dryer time.   So strange to go in there….in to the emptyness.  When i am out in the laundry place in the room back of the garage and come back in through the kitchen door is the most.   He should be there.  Sitting in his chair at the kitchen table.  Plus it was at night.  I am never gone at night.    I have not been able to feel it as i need to.  As i will still,  over some time.  So i just talk to him.  Telling him the news.  Which is that daughter and granddaughter intend to take Jeff and the baby back to California within hours of when they arrive.  Here and Gone is the hope.  We'll see.  But i'll make Ruben Sandwiches in case there is time and they are hungry.  Have a great recipe for the sauce  from Zingerman's Deli in  Ann Arbor, Mi.  Daughter remembers.  And i keep wondering if this Vortex of Energy will sometime suddenly dissipate,  like maybe how Hurricanes do,  and become 

Still.

I want

Still.  Just the quiet ripples of the Aftermath.

 

and i really am wanting to make this Cloth.  Of one of the old old Mesquite trees…so old but so small, really (me?)  standing so    black barked against the landscape with some kind of BirdKites,  KiteBirds,   alight or caught?  in it's branches…    Want to make this cloth.  Next.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

which includes BEAUTY

which includes what i feel as natural order

which includes

chaos.  

 

but for now,  this afternoon of a work away day,  just this.   Ready for the final stitches.  It is Soft.  It has Substance.   it is Vibrant.  Color.  Texture.  Cloth.  I Love cloth.   Cloth eases everything.

 

 

 

first thing,  some stitching,  and seeing for sure how the Natural Order runs diagonal and Not

straight

First thing because i knew the day would be like a marble,  rolling across a wood floor.  It was.

There was a feeling of wanting to get things uhhh,  cleared.  I thought about how it's been four days since Alyssia had flown away.  How there was stuff,  just sitting here and there,  and mostly i focused on this odd little set of drawers from the Old Cowboy's.   So,  the early energy focused here.  I went through all the stuff that was in the metal file cabinet,  filled a black garbage bag with much of it,  kept only some

 

this much.  Not a lot.  in comparison.  Stuff about the land,  stuff like birth certificates,  stuff about the putting in of the septic system.   

then…in one of the Pendaflex files …labeled the same….was this manila folder stained with wine

from when my daughter and i were doing something together.

Under the file cabinet were some things

 

this pic of me when there was still some substance of me,  not like now when i am pretty much skin over bones,  like the old dog Chinche.  I looked at this.  There was more stuff,  interesting,  but well,

and all day,  from back into last night,  i have been thinking about how it can be.  This is hard.  

How it can be,  that there are small joys.  Small joys inside and No Matter the real and deep sadness of things.  

I spent time,  off and on with Gideon and Flash,  there being really Joy,  watching Gideon be able to BE in a free way,  to wander his yard as he wished without defending himself.  How so so incredibly wonder Full this is to see.  He gimps around on his arthritic legs at

LEISURE

little Jack Flash at his side.  How grateful i am that we could accomplish this before it was too late for him.

I cooked.  I sauteed the last of the eggplant in a curry batter,  the Kuri Squash baked.  I ate them slowly and savoring each bite.

I vacuumed the whole thing here.  For now,  a day or so,  no dog hair and dust.  Clean.  

again,  a small Joy.   I am thinking about the difference of happiness and joy.  There IS and i am looking at this.

I didn't answer the phone.

I am thinking about how it is true,  that even when there is such great and deep grief.  such great and strong pain.  Such great and strong sorrow and

FEAR

there can also be 

joy.

How is this?  I am thinking about this.  I need to know.

 

 

Thinking.  What if i just temporarily fence in this space between the buck yards for …breeding moments???   From the Albatros on the left to the single Tpost on the right…the one after you can see the line of their white tops?  Right there,  at the long single T post is a roll of fencing that i have used before to close off this part,  but for other reasons.

 

Gideon and Flash's yard on one side

 

Nogal and Tenzen's on the other

 

the pile of scrap wood in the middle

 

Maybe i can weed through it and consolidate it.  Or get rid of it all.  Or.  But i pulled and hauled the Kochia weed forest and it's clear.   If i used this space to breed,  I would bring a doe Goat into it,  then let Nogal out of his gate that is Inside the temporary fencing.  Let Nogal out…keep Tenzen In.  They,  Nogal and the doe would be right there,  under Tenzen's nose so to speak and it would be hard for him to have to just watch.  But if i get it right,  it only takes a few minutes, really,  if the doe is ready and will stand.  Nogal has never done it before,  just in his imagination,  but i think he will be fine.  It's judging the readiness of the doe.  I did it before,  so i think, i can do it again.  Sad for Tenzen but Oh Well,  he did have his turn last year at Jan's and many times before.  It's Nogal's turn.

more

 

and then really more

 

and too,  i was over at debbie's Place…  debbie-weaver.blogspot.com  where she was Wondering.  And it was really great because her Wondering caused me to find the book that has been in mind for a while

 

 

Mary Lee Fulkerson

 

Sue Smith

 

Betz Salmont

 

Gammy Miller

I have loved this book for so long.  Paper making.  I don't make paper.  but when i was doing the Gourds,  i looked here.  and somewhere a while ago,  i remembered it and thought about how it might happen with cloth????   For me,  they would be Shelters.   

So…debbie's Wondering reminded me and now i am filled again with Maybe's.  Maybe i could.

Cloth and salt cedar twigs?????

Thank You, Debbie

 

 

 

i'd brought this coat rack home from the Old Cowboys.  Really,  there is no where to put it,  but i want it because i am tired of all my  "transitional" clothes hanging on that hook , obstructing the hallway to the bedroom.  This time of year till spring,  i have 3 kinds of clothes….regular going clothes,  Goat clothes,  going into town clothes.  It's like when i was a kid.  when you get home from school,  you take off those school clothes and put on play clothes.  Like that.  And i have no washing machine here,  so i wear things over and over,  even the stinky Goat Work clothes.   So.  Here we are.  in the Bathroom.  Kind of a tight fit,  but really,  very functional.  Will leave it a while.  See how it goes.

 

a lot of stitching.  The feeling of this pouch…because of the doubled silk noile……………

 

Alyssia brought the drum in.  Her sleep patterns are not patterns and peculiar only to her.  I could hear her playing it in the dark.

 

 

this Cloth,  earth pouch,  called Birthright,  for all the just borns

 

and last but very much not at all least,  SunnyRay got loaded up this morning by me and Jan and since i can't yet lift a lot with the fence crushed shoulder,  i'd enlisted the great fence making kid,  young man really,  who IS my new neighbor over there in the horse pasture to the East,  i'd enlisted him to help load into the truck.  SunnyRay weighs probably 70 lbs.   It was pouring rain.  We unloaded at Jan's,  a reluctant SunnyRay until he caught a whiff of her does and trot along he did and into the yard with Nougat and Spice and it was a Whirl,  his Dream come true that he didn't even know How to dream,  but now he will.  He will be there till Spring and then we'll see.  

For now though,  and what makes it the most Gentle of Gentle Days,

 

 

 

 

Tay has this very soft Sob of Longing.  She so much Wants contact with this One  and over time, she will.  I'll train him to lead so when the kids are here,  they can take him Around with them.  Wethers are WonderFull in this way  (neutered males),  so Willing for anything,  no hormonal NEED and the other "natural Goats",  Does and Intact Bucks don't mind.    It's a great life,  a Wether's.

 

and Gideon can spend the rest of his days,  no matter,  with a Friend rather than as it's been with a young and virile  son who wants him to be a doe and knocks him around.  This makes me so so happy. Alyssia spent a lot of time with Gideon.  Petting him,  talking with him.  He was in heaven.   This is just so so so and more SO good.

and i forgot to say his name.  Jumpin Jack Flash.

 

 

 

 

 

i woke this morning to an email from Patricia because she couldn't comment through typepad last night.  (and i couldn't either.  it's how it is someTimes)  but what she said is important.  Of All of Us, including me,  Patricia is the best Looker.  She double clicks and scans and looks Close.  She notices.  She takes Time.  

 

she said:

"just spent time hanging out here..in these wonderful rooms full of amazing things.  remembering the first time i saw this book…sabine's notebook…how absolutely amazed i was…how i kept wondering "what IS this?"  so thrilled with it.

and now…i wonder about the suitcase on the chair and think perhaps it's storage?  and the fly swatter…a training tool?   and it goes on and on…the things that are woven into your life.  the hole in the indigo and the shirt on the chair.  the weaving on the wall over the couch…where he slept…what did it catch?  I'm so enamored with Alyssia yet find self wanting to know more about him.  and thinking that 2 days w/o using…how addicted could be be?

just all these things…noticing.  and holding you in my heart as we go through our days."

Patricia Spangler   followingthread.wordpress.com

and she slowed me.   slowed me sloooowed me.   I went back to this pic and looked through her eyes at what i live with.  Through her eyes and her Asking.  I LOVE her Asking.  

i think about slow.  think about Asking.  How i might go slower and Ask more.  Not just GO.  but be in the place of just going.

Sabine's notebook…Why DID i pull it from the shelf?,  hand it to Alyssia?  We never got to it,  but what might i have been thinking?  I think i was wanting her to see something of someone who has a mind beyond and beyond the Usual….as her's is,  and as sometimes she has concerns about.  Sabine's Notebook remains for me after all these years,  just a Mystery.   a Mystery.  Some things are.

the suitcase on the chair is Jeff's.  It's stuff he brought here that had  meaning to him,  that he was worried might be lost where he was keeping them.  Such a strange collection of stuff inside.  And added to it things he found at the Old Cowboy's the day he was there with Alyssia and i.  What he chose to add to his Own Stuff.  things like  Cuff Links,  a trout belt buckle.  Keys and some watches.

the hole in the indigo,  taken to be a Moon but then the cloth with a hole,  what it can become

the weaving on the Wall…Tay's Weaving…   What DID it catch?  They All slept under it…Jeff,  Ashley, the baby, Alyssia.  What is Caught in it and i realize that i need to do some work with this Catcher  that Tay made,  that i Want to.

the shirt on the chair….Fate's onesie with a monkey that got left behind

and two days.  Now it is going on six.   Things are not good but he is staying sober so he can watch out for the baby.  This is a question i asked myself,  and shared with Alyssia as i talk still constantly from California.  

Morning….this clasp thing,  this catcher thing from Old Cowboy's

 

going to Feed….passing the ROCKS…seeing how i need to learn this camera'

 

 

truck with Grass Hay, covered by tarp last night because of maybe Rain,  but tarp blew sideways which was ok cause there wasn't rain

 

unloaded and stacked.

 

Beginning of Winter Camp,  2015

 

 

 

first fire.