windthread

The Front Oasis.  Hopefully,  left to right looking North NorthEast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the raft is becoming a Mallow Garden

one notch back to the left,  there is Abundance with the Native Olive.  Winter abundance for the Birds.

my only laziness….unloaded the Goat pellets and did Not take the car back out….tomorrow.  Good enough.

Lamb's Quarters…i graze as i work,  eating them raw

 

ASPARAGUS!!!!  2 OF THE 7…up,  through the mulch….i wonder if i should clear the mulch away?  Maybe it's too much to penetrate?  but these did……???????   I had not looked at all this week with WIND and RAIN….

so slowly changing

AND

oh,  and eeeeeeeeeee   AND,  stitched down and the total Joy of this…in this moment it is a  Protection Mask for Ordinary Cloth Women for cannibalism of Time,  both from inner and outer entities.   

am always thinking about the thing of Usefullness….Both Jude and Deb G talk of this and i always think….stuff i make is really,  NOT useFULL….but this would be.  It's fierce and i think will prove to be effective.

i LOVED,  just beyond LOVED stitching these down…some scraps of Deb Lacativa,  a Thrift Shop skirt scrap,  a small piece of Liz's rust cloth as are the Eyes.    Just cannot say how satisfying it was,  the FEELING of it…just well…..

 

 

Wind slept but returned before Light this morning bringing yet more rain.  So i went back to where i'd left off…

thinking about the love of rags,  of raw fragments which led me to thinking about GraceandMending.blogspot….so i go check to see if there is a new post.  No.  She must be deeply into her other work,  but nonetheless,  i can re read the last post of September 19, 2014.  A Rag a Day post.   And there,  something for the Wind Horse Cloth, she said and there is the first photograph,  a piece of gauze with the caption: " Triangle of unbleached cotton gauze,  folded along the bias.  Wrinkled where it had been tied to make a sling, found, untied,  two doors down on the lawn."  And i read the whole post again,  i don't know how many times i have read it so far,  but it is an extraordinary post and each time i am filled with so Much.    Go look.  you will be Glad.

and it's still RAINING through the morning so i go to On Being…a Saturday event for me….and find  Maria Popova.  Interview entitled:  Cartographer of Meaning in a Digital Word.  A young woman, such a Wide Open heart and MIND.  Her blog is Brain Pickings.org.  I learn a new word…Marginalia.  Ahh.  i am redeemed.  

and with all this,  i pin some things

 

maybe.

Then…SUN and i am Out and working and so beautyfully lost in the work.  Happiness…..

Today,  a perfect Practice.  Two Things present.  Two Things become something Entirely Different.

It was work away  at the Once a Month Peggy place,  and even though she is a perfectly Excellent person,  i really do NOT like cleaning for her.  And no need to detail why,  i just DON'T.  But i am.

so.

off and on in the hours i was there,  thoughts rose as they do in waves and today were replaced by

Cleaning.

   As soon as the "conversation in my head between THOUGHTS,  not even me involved , really,  just the Thoughts talking,  i would simply label that,  or name that,  Thoughts, and replace with the focus word, Cleaning.  And so time sped by and i was Done and i could  Flee,  which i did and stopped by the Old Cowboy's for a minute where thoughts again began their conversation in my head and i noted this and replaced by Visit.  

In both cases,  i would turn my attention to the Breath.  to Breathing.  As Salzberg says,  Breathing is our Friend.

Home and a short nap.

Waking from the nap by WIND.  HUGE and CRAZY WIND….as was predicted by Accuweather.  Here it was/IS still….seemingly from all directions at once…Crazy   and again,  Perfect Practice.

Just the word WIND.        NOT ….JEEZ,  it's May and this Should have happened in March and be over with by now,  what about all those lingering baby apricots?,  they can't withstand this, and maybe it's today that that weak part of the fence will crash,  i should have taken care of that, but HOW?  who will i get to help me shore it up with that LOOOONG 2×4 that i haven't even bought yet,  WHY? and maybe Margie's granddaughter can help, she's only 9 but she can hold up the opposite end and  Blah Blah Blah

so i just say WIND.

i watch the doe goats who RUN back and forth from the Albatross  through the Migratory Corridor in to the Way Back then back…FAST,  they run back and their tails are like flags

WIND.  it's just WIND.  

and i remember reading about how  Pliny the Elder, AD 23 – Aug 25 AD79 , a Roman Naturalist,  Natural Philosopher  advised to bring the mares in during times of wind like this because they by nature turn their butts into it and can become impregnated by that WIND,  and so bear offspring that are extremely FAST,  but not long lived and i wonder about Goats….it's a better thought than the Add Ons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and i look and look at shreds of Cloth,  it's Elegance,  just as it is.   To choose something for those line eyes

my Assistant observes

it is a really Very Good Day

 ADDENDUM

it's 9:34 pm  Wind is still.  Gone Back to where ever it sleeps,  back over the Rim.  It's Quiet now.  Still.  Everything is Still.  as if it always has been.  

interesting…………..

 

I got up during the night and looked at what i wrote…Oh Cripe, grace….

and Of Course,   i Can't be Jude or Judy Martin.  I would need a different life and i really wouldn't Want a different life,  i want This Life,  whatever it is,  I  want to finish up this Me thing.  

and again,  amazed and delighted by the very early morning reflection on the refrigerator…soon,  the Light will change and it won't happen anymore,  but for now, it's nothing less than Magic

the new growth of the Apricot…leaves that look so much like blossoms

right on top of a basket,  this.  Of Deb Lacativa.  I do not Ever remember seeing it before?!..?  it looks like a conch shell here

More lines and now,  will need to just lay loose threads to understand the form for any future stitching…close now…

maybe it should be shorter

The STORM was GRAND.   It was Wild and Unrelenting and Crazy.  And finally,  it spent Itself and became Rain.  Steady.  It rained all night long.  It was still raining this morning when i woke.  Finally,  it was enough according to its Self and stopped around 9 am.    The Sky returned to a sky blue Sky and Wind was strong but easy.

as always,  the effect of Sky Water is immediately evident.  What were transplanted seedlings the day before are now Tomato Plants.  Strong and Sure.

the Wild Sunflowers and showing their purple edges and thick veins

Overnight the berries of the Three Leaf Sumac began to blush their color.   So many berries this year…the birds have abundance.

All this i could have anticipated during the Storm last night.  I could have sat in the dark and KNOWN,  because i DO KNOW these things.  I could have just sat,  following breath and BEING a small human inside a tin house with a STORM outside.

I am good at meditating when i am Sitting.  That is no longer such a challenge.  And it has changed my life a lot.   But now,  i am noticing the Not Sitting times and finding self wanting very much to bring the Sitting Self into the rest of my day.    And this can come by understanding and practicing how Sharon Salzberg teaches…the thing that i am looking at now….Add Ons.   There is the actual experience and then there is what is added to it because of habitual response.  The Add Ons.   For me the Add Ons are sapping Energy that i am no longer willing to give.   The replay of mistakes and regrets,  the things we can't Undo and/or the Projections into a future that may or may not ever come.   It's the Experience of This Moment i am looking for,  clean and unattached.

like how these strands of cloth just wove themselves because of Wind

So, the Add Ons.  This storm was a perfect example.  I really LOVE these kinds of Storms,  Electrical Storms,  but i watched my thoughts run….all the things i  just don't "take care of"….

wheelbarrows left this way

and the Perfect Example of an emblem of Add Ons…the back door that WAS a screen door that Alz. B's  X husband,  father of Bill built and Bill likes so much that it is my door and how daughter Jenny and GrandDaughter Alyssia and i transformed it into a door of wood and glass but how it really doesn't Work…like doesn't Fit…you can see the cracks of light

and here is how it stays closed with wind,  the knob mechanism is beside the point,  the door and the wood door casing swells and receeds with rain and Dry and this morning i needed to put in yet another link to keep it closed incase Wind tried to pull it open which would be ok except for the fact that then the Goats would come into the house  and …..The GOATS….what am i DOING???!!!! with all these GOATS??????and really WHAT is Jenny Thinking????  What's going on with her???? What did or What did i  NOT do that is causing what's going on with her and i just very much MISS her and don't understand, and will she EVER be willing to talk about what it IS or not and what will i DO about the Goats????  Is it OK that they are just here and loved out of Circumstance not their own and What is it,  a circumstance of a Goat?   And back to that door and how i keep it closed against Wind,  that "voice"  that says:  no normal person lives this way

who says that?

I'm not sure

but then really,  no one i know or have ever known has/had a door like this….?????  and what about Chinche…it's hard for her when it's raining, she is frail,  and then what to do when she dies?…Tay would be not great as a single dog,  i'd have to get another dog for her,  a dog friend…….Oh Jeez, another dog and how to find another dog that would be ok with the Goats….

ADD ONS.

there's more.

they are totally unnecessary.  Have NO REAL MEANING,  just wildness of mind.

Tired of it.

Had to go to the Old Cowboys today because hospice nurse Annette didn't show yesterday and came today and i didn't want to need to be going but i had to.  So…i worked with it.  I for sure WAS going, because i needed to.   So ok.  Try to minimize the Add Ons.  Try to just go and do it and not Project into the future.  It was ok.  it was NOT GOOD,  but it was very much ok.  

This is what i am working on.  It's Good Honest Work.

 

      …………………………………………..Addendum……………………………………………………………………..

i pushed Publish on the Above and walked away from this screen,  but the question came,  well, ok,  What's the Problem?, grace?

Answer:  I want to be like Jude.  I want to be like Judy Martin.  I want to be someone who is a Cloth Person.    I want to have my days revolve around Cloth Making.  I want them to BE Cloth Making.

they aren't.  Part of them are,  but just Part.   And as i type this,  there is a uhhhhh,  a  sadness?  a longing?  an ache?   So…this is something to work with too.  OK.  i breathe Out a great breath.  OK.

take a long look at this.

 

 

 

 

all day,  it changed,  nothing to SEE,  but to feel and then the quality of Light

for the First time Ever,  the nuance of this piece of cloth was photographed by the camera AS IT IS.

it just hangs on the Wall.   Is always There.   Today,  oh,  today.

so….coming home from Work away,  i looked and felt the Impendingness.

not at anything in particular,  just whatever

 

 

stitched some more.  There is a Fierceness to the drawing that i haven't captured yet here.  I need to find a way.  So i looked and looked at the drawing….how IS IT? that there is a fierceness there????  How and Which lines Give that?????

And Just as Goats were beginning their Evening Grass Hay,  it 

came

the Storm.  HUGE raindrops,  the size it seemed of ping pong balls,  that sense that at any moment it could become Hail.  The Goats ran and hid.  Tay went into her "crate house",  Chinche quivered.  Tazmeena dug deeper into the comforter on the bed.  Birds became quiet.   STORM.  and i sat,  through it,  following the breath,  letting hail thoughts just go.  Breathing.  

Good Practice.

According to Accuweather,  there is 103 minutes of Storm left.  So…back Off the computer…Lightning.

 

 

Refuge.  Why do i love this 

word

so much.  

all it's meanings from a Wildlife Sanctuary to the

Breath 

in meditation.

I KNOW that the Breath will be my Refuge from here on in.    Or,  here on Out.  I am completely sure of this.

Getting back from the Work Away,  i began threading the needle,  but soon got a phone call.  How amazing.  Best Nurse Cindy was calling in her halting speech to say that she was discharged from Rehab this morning and her two sisters and she were driving from there to Here,  to Socorro, to make a visit to the One who remains in the Alzheimer's Unit at the Old Folks Home.  She has been responsible for Ciele for years now…while she was also working there as a charge nurse.  Since her Crash,  her first Crash last August,  she hasn't been able to keep up that commitment and Ciele has just drifted.  But today they would visit,  actually,  APPEAR,  Cindy,  and  by this indicate that things are On Going.  And she said would i meet she and her two sisters,  one from Tennessee and the other from  Illinois at the Truck Stop…just to say HI and give a HUG…..

and i did.  This woman has been through the Fire.  One thing after another since that first crisis in August.  How many trips to the ER,  3 lengthy hospitalizations,  and there she was….at the Truck Stop,  two very tired sisters but Her….Her Energy and her SMILE was just HUGE.  The sisters had come expecting to "take her back"  with one of them….either one….but well…Best Nurse Cindy plans to 

Go Home.

Home.  Refuge., really…..  It is so many different things to All of Us,  the concept of Home.  To the Old Cowboy,  home is where his microwave is,  his dvd copier,  his kitchen table.  Best Nurse Cindy, it's her little piece of earth with her small small home she has worked on in so many ways for years now even tho she doesn't Own it,  it's where her ancient Turkey lives out back.  

and how Home CAN change on us sometimes out of the Blue.  So i think today how i want to work at Home being in the Breath.   The Breath is with us where ever we are.  To be Home in the Breath.

Breathing In  Breathing Out.  Being Home.

the hollyhocks are forming their blooms

bird cage captures bindweed or vice versa

 

Mexican Elderberry

Mallow

 

While moving the truck to position it to unload the Goat feed,  Tay jumped in.  Drivers side.  I got in and closed the door.  She was Startled but sat when asked to.   We went forward some and then back.  She sat.  Startled but thinking.  Taking it in.  I asked her to WAIT!  when i turned off the engine and sat a minute before opening my door.  WAIT!….hand up and flat toward her…and she did.  She waited until i said 

OK

and she jumped out and ran in circles because it had been so…..sooooo….so….Something to her

 

Mother's Day.  a Hallmark day.  And even tho i have OPINIONS about Hallmark days,  they are a part of my life since i was born, really,  so no matter the OPINIONS,  i am Imprinted.

and i debated all day about whether or not to put this here,  of course,  because i am me,  i am.

and as a Qualifier,  i want to say at the beginning that i am FINE.  I feel really GOOD and this is NOT a Sad telling,   it is just a True Telling and True Tellings set us  FREE.   If you were Here and we were sitting on the porch at the end of this day,  you would easily know this.  But because we are distances away and there are only these little black marks on the screen,  it might be in question…so,  Just to Say.

Without going into it,  because i really don't know what the IT is,  just to say,  Something is Amiss with me and my daughter.  I don't know what that is.  She does.  But she,  for whatever reason,  is not into sharing that.  So…i am here,  at my end,  not knowing.   And really,  having absolutely NO idea.  That Said.

Tho Mother's Day is really a fake day,  still….it's Mother's Day.  Whether we are mothers ourselves, we still HAD a mother.  There's no other way to have come to participate in this human drama.

This sets the scene.  You have to get born.

And then it goes from there.  OK.  What's important here?.  

I have two issues.  Two.  Two for sure,  that i work with in my life.   There are some more secondary ones,  but really,  just the Two.  and they are Both about Mothering.  

The other place i live is over at Spirit Cloth,  Jude's World.  and she talked today about how a woman is like a basket.  You can go there to see what she says.  And i think.

I have had this URGE to make this cloth

and i look at this and think how prescientient      this urge was.  and really,  how all the Cloth Making is. 

last evening i received an Email from Wendy Golden Levitt about the dog cloth i'd sent

 

and then,  the Night Work which might be called Dreams.   Dreams.  What ARE they?

i wake,  probably because i need to pee and i get up and then i go back and lay there,  waiting to fall asleep again and i wait and drift and wait and drift and often,  ALL the STUFF that i am not sure about Arises.   It's not Fun,  the Stuff.  It is the Stuff that i am Unsure about,  Stuff i have Questions about,  it all is There,  sitting,  waiting,

it's all Stuff that i can't change now.  of the Past and i can't change it….other than to continue to be willing to Talk about It??????

anyway…

in the Email from Wendy,  she offers this.  From her Mentor and good Friend,  Marion Woodman.  A   Zen Koan:

"Ride your horse along the edge of the sword,

Hide yourself in the middle of the flames.

Blossoms of the fruit tree will bloom in the fire,

The Sun rises in the evening."

so and then the Information that rises in the night.    Mothering.

Lying there,  wondering,  suddenly there is this thought!   As with Goats,  it was a Successful Breeding!   How it came out so WELL for him,  their father.  How they are FINE children.  How his life now is so GOOD from this breeding.    He has his good life,  his children,  his friends,  his present wife.  How it all came out so GOOD for him.   And what this means for me is that i can totally LET GO of any sense of …..guilt…..for Leaving.   He has this.   Completely.  and i can just uhhhh,  I can just well…be the uhhh,  Thing that i AM.  It is All just very much OK.  

 

 

 

so,  i gave it the name of Boundaries and Self Discipline.  Close enough.  and what i am being able to Find is a rhythm.  It's good,  two days now.  It FEELS very good.   Everyone's comments also were all so useful to getting Clear about the commotion…that i intellectually Know is not outer Imposed, but Inner.  So OK.   The most important thing is that i created boundaries of  Time Spaces…when i was working on the Rock Rooms,  it occured to me that i might make some Time Rooms.  So i did.  The agreement with self is to be OutSide at 8:30 a.m.   no list making for What i will Do,  but just to be Out.  Once Out,  things just flow.  There is that altered state of Doing,  one thing after another moving some from thing to thing,  it doesn't matter at all.  ALL of it needs doing,  so ALL of it is good.  And to agree with self that till noon is enough.   So, noon,  IN.  Cloth Time.  till 5.  Then, back Out till dusk.  As the days lengthen this will leave even more time.  Coming in at Noon will give a break for the heat of the day.   Yesterday and Today felt really just Fine.   Things got planted and mulched.  The kochia was worked on and heavy mulch in some areas with the bales of sunflower stalks that are scrap.  Tays small dug holes filled in and 3 new tomato cages built. 

I know these details are dull,  but  need to be here to Mark the Happenings for this May.  

This.  Far enough to get a feeling for it.  The pieces on the bottom might not stay at all…i am just liking to pin things there and look at the contradictions.   The two pieces at the top Might stay.  I think they are enough to signify …SKY.    And THIS felt really good.  

So,  a Rhythm.  I needed a Rhythm.  OK.

Happiness…..what might have been an unwanted something else is NOT.  It IS a shoot of the Native Plum for sure!!!!   YES!!!!!  So…all four made it.   This one so small in comparison,  but because it came up this way,  it will be Strong.  Am so happy about it i almost feel like giving it a Name.

figured out where i can plant these carrots.  I don't usually do carrots,  but in response to really good marketing in the Seeds of Change Catalog,  i bought it.  Dragon Carrots.  The photograph in the catalog..more purple and orange…and the words…the words were the Hook: " A strikingly beautiful and refined carrot with deep reddish purple skin, orange interior,  and yellow core that looks great sliced up and arranged on the plate or shredded into salads.  The complex, slightly spicy and sweet flavor is especially good cooked or roasted."  Roasted carrots are where it's at.  So, i'll make a row in the compost bed.  somewhere along the long side where they will be safe from the dogs until they actually are established.  Plan.  ok.

and a Complete Surprise….blooms on the just so new Honeysuckle.  It never would have occured to me to look,  but when giving water…there they were waving in the WIND…and their SCENT…  for the Bees.

so today,  i lived with Ease.  

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR EXCELLENT THOUGHTS 

 

Accuweather didn't mention Wind.  Didn't even mention ….breezy….well,  ok and it was WINDy.  But i DID get OUTSIDE by 8:30 and Begin this very precious day as Mary Oliver would say.  I got OUT.

 

it started by just looking.  Looked a long time at how the purple silk looks in the old young dead New Mexico Olive.

 

brought more of the coyote sticks from the Way back and just layed them in the fence so they slant over the planting places.  This for Tay.  She hasn't been DIGGING here, though she might since I did today,  but she has been uh,  well, to use the most expedient word, shitting here.  They,  both she and Chinche like to do that on dry scrap stuff.  So this has been perfect for Tay.  Maybe as if i had layed all the dry scrap mulch here for just her purpose?  How could she know.   So the long sticks over the planted places might give her the clue that she should keep out?

small Pepper start.  HOPE.

and the Yerba Mansa.  Surrounded by the landscape pots to achieve a protected place (from Tay)

 

 

the Calendula, Fennel, Parsley and the last Chocolate Flower into what was the Child Buddha garden.  WIND  made them limp.  but maybe they can recover.  Nothing to do but watch.

and

CLOTH.   o CLOTH.   invisible stitch and found self choosing the B side as the A.  ok.  Wanted the soft soft linen on the Face Side.  ok.   Then…wondering,  i just put scraps at hand here,  just to FEEL something…none of them might Stay,  but they gave a Sense of how it could be and that was enough.  It was Strong and it Oriented me.   Cloth.

Tay NEEDED this day,  as did Tazmeena.  They have Feelings about when i am "gone" for long times whether it is truly gone physically,  or just gone from being Present in this Place.  When i called the Old Cowboy this morning for his "are you still alive?" call,  he was,  and he complained about how the new raised toilet seat was too high.  He talked some about how we needed to send those checks to IRS and N Mex Taxation and Revenue yesterday,  he talked about how he was glad to have gotten the water temp in the shower nozzel corrected even if it cost an arm and a leg to the plumber and how it costs an arm and a leg to pay our beloved Travis to give him a shower and lather him with lotion and ….what was ….I …..doing?
said I was working OutSide.

He said well,  was i coming into town later?  I said why and he:  I'm bored.  All the excitement of the Hospice,  and now, nothing today.

So,  there is that Softness from when Tana listened.  But then too and very equally,  is how he is so incapable of Imagining that other people might have Lives.  He has always been this way.  One of those people who will say…"well,  when you got nothin to do"…..

There has Never been,  Never,  a day that i had Nothin to Do.  Never.

how to reconcile that with people?