many many many invisible stitches….Jude Hill's Invisible Baste….but to me, they have really become stitches. Not basting, but stitching. so, them, except for the thread beads on her sleeves. If all goes well, will be finished tomorrow.
All the while, trying to imagine a way to leave all the dimensional lines and wrinkles on this cloth…how to maybe stitch to hold them in place.
i had thought i was finished with Old Cowboy chores for a while, but not yet. Today i took him to his lawyer. Who i have met a few times. In the past, he has made his way from the back door at ground level with his cane. Then the last two times, with his walker with wheels. Today was in the new Transport Wheelchair. A significant change. And the whole exchange between he and the lawyer was significantly different. It took much longer than ever, and it always has taken a long time, but longer than ever to tell enough stories to "get to the point". A simple question from the lawyer might be answered by OCB reciting the circumstance of his birth, how his brain was "dented" because his mother couldn't get him out and how there were never anymore children for her because of this child with a dented brain. Or a long Telling of the 5 things his father taught him. This came up a few times. The 5 things begin with Never Lie. and end with Do Your Best, even if it's not that good. Just do your best.
So you might get the jist of how it was. Having a feeling it might be ify, i suddenly decided to take the wrist mala with me and i'm glad i did. In the past, i have become impatient with him, with his efforts to "save face" by assuming his John Wayne persona. Today, that was gone. He was just him. Old and failing and embarassed by both of those but no longer trying to hide anything. Just trying to make sense. So as their exchange went on, i fingered the mala and silently repeated the mantra of Compassion. On the way home he wanted to stop again and get a green chili cheese burger. ok. and then i am finally Home.
I took to the table the Transmigration cloth that rests on the big embroidery hoop. Just Feeling it, and wondering softly, what all this might be. There is no answer to that. There Won't be an answer to that. But soft wonder is ok.
and i found self thinking about those last almost 3 years of Alz. B in the Old Folks Home. And how i'd inadvertantly Given my Word to the OCB so long ago to do whatever i could to keep him in his home. He is not like Alz. B whose mind disintegrated. For him, it is his body that is failing him. Will be a long hard road ahead. But here we are. For reasons that will never be known. But they ARE. And they are strong. So, ok. We just keep going.
after coming home from Work Away, i looked long, slow and close at the patterns Wind made from scrap feed in the Way Back. It's some kind of code but i don't know it, so i looked and admired it.
how new iris spears are coming
the Weave of the old dry iris leaves and the ones that wintered over, sheltering the Mint that i finally planted because i want:
Mint and Cilantro Chutney
1 1/2C mint leaves, 1 C cilantro leaves, 1 serrano chili, 1 T tamarind paste, 1/2 t salt, 1 1/2 t sugar, 3 T yogurt Chop and pound in together. Good on Anything.
Tay worked. Placing landscape elements where she thought they work well.
undaunted by past history, the Old Apricot Tree opened her blooms. Who Knows? maybe.
i hung laundry on the clothes line and then FIXED, as documented above, the flusher thing for the toilet . Maybe it will work for a while. Maybe not. But if not, i can flush by hand…lifting up the suction cup thingy till i develop the WhereWithAll to go get a whole new apparatus and dare to install.
A Very GOOD day of Just Going. Resting.
GREAT WIND today, March is here. The walls of this house move, literally, buffeted by this WIND.
My work away Monday got canceled and it should have been a BElovED home day but the Old CowBoy needed some stuff done at the bank before his lawyer's appointment on Wednesday, and he also said he needed to "rehearse" what he wanted to say. So i found self driving into town, thinking, after spending the last several months "weaning him" from any xtra time from me (thinking he was moving to the relatives place) here i was…."back in THAT saddle" and WHY???? and i decided to give up that line of thought and instead begin the Om Mani mantra which i did,
and suddenly i SMILED. What is all this buddhist practice FOR? Compassion. Spontaneous Compassion. And what IS all this change going on with him but him expressing Need because he has no alternative now and what is this i'm feeling but the response to that need because there is really no alternative i have to offer and What Is It Then, but
Compassion.
What i Practice. OK, then. So. OK. Compassionate Just Going. ok. yes.
the remaining CatHairScraps, like Wind Horses that fly in Tibet, Nepal, India
Wind Horses on the Raft
Lizard. How i Love how their arms and legs, hands and feet are so much like Our Own. How they have five fingers and five toes. How their arms and legs have a very spare plumpness to them. How i Love Lizards, their beingness, really so much like my own.
Strong but Warm.
Tay and i worked OutSide. Chinche watched. First to make order for the latest Half Ton Bale of Alfalfa that was delivered mid morning, and then distributing the scrap feed and manure bedding to different parts of this Place. Digging slightly to see what's happened in the composts. Checking again to see if the Native Plums from last year's planting are REALLY? still alive? and yes, they are. So Giving Water for good measure even with that snow. Deep slow water. Clean and fill Goat Water Bowls. All the while, i am trying to find Something and i don't even know what it is i'm trying to find. It's a way of ummm, being what i'm doing?, being All of It? The doer, the done to, the Whole that includes all of it? I really don't know. Not just how to "say" it, but really, exactly what i'm trying to find. I'll know it if i Find it.
Sort of, it was like when i was taking the evening feed to that Way Back Fence. I bring it in the wheelbarrow from the Albatros. Then lift it over the fencegate into that first bowl which gets piled high. Then i go through the house and out the back door and distribute it to all 5 bowls. It's a routine that never varies. Today, WIND was strong and in long long breaths before a slight pause. The feed goes over the gate directly into It's Push, so i was waiting for one of those pauses to drop it down and there wasn't a pause, so i closed my eyes, feeling it in my face, listening to it's sound, feeling and listening and there was no pause so i opened my eyes to just go for it and there ringed tight against the bowl were Artica, Onday and Oona, close close and then all the rest, quite close and they were rivited on my face, their lips slightly opened showing just a bit of their bottom teeth. They were staring, their gazes locked on my face. I laughed and commented on their beautiful teeth and dropped the feed and continued. But, it's something like that sequence of moments that i am looking for. How to live Inside That.
in this large flat basket i'd put a three ceramic bowls with small scraps. Thinking Tazmeena would be daunted, but no. This morning it's where Sun was and she layed on top of the bowls. And so i put yet another large piece of cloth over those scraps, which kind of ruins my visual aesthetic, but keeps them hairless. She was unhappy.
and when downloading that pic of her i saw this just behind the basket. I've never read it. So maybe now's the time?
The Apricot Tree. Only that single branch facing west is dead. Not as i had feared.
The two blades of Grass stitched in place. The weight, the "drape" of the cloth is WonderFULL. It has become Heavy with stitches…that feeling….the Substance of it, the well, substance of it.
I am forever saying i Love stuff. Use that word a lot. But thinking about that today, well, it's because i do. There are so many many things i Love
yesterday
Today
I LOVE New Mexico and this is one of the reasons.
I love seams. Seams ripped off things. Treasures, these seams.
I love picking them apart. It's tedious, but i love it anyway.
love the little thread holes that sometimes stay, no matter what.
a print out of the cloth with the lizards legs drawn on, with two blades of grass drawn on to see if i want to put two blades of grass…i do. I love grasses. I love lizards.
photographed flat on the table
photographed on the Wall
moments , well, Less than moments apart. A moment apart. I love what the angle of Light does. Makes many things out of the same thing.
And then the Following. Each is almost the same. But there are different "components", different positions of those components, for which there is absolutely no Explanation.
I LOVE how this, This, WhatEverItIs, …… shows it'Self to me. How it is Magic. For sure. How if i didn't take the time in that single series of seconds, i would have not seen it. Not have been GIVEN it.
so, this is a good example for me. What the re re re re re on and on re commitment to meditation does…
It was supposed to Rain last night. But this is what i saw first Light this morning.
And instead of a lot of internal commotion, i simply saw Blue. How Blue it all looked out there. Instead of entertaining all manner of useless concern about the Goats, i simply saw Blue. And i just went Out. Spoke to them, emptied their soggy feed bowls and filled them. Shoveled the steps for Chinche and watched Tay run. Free. It was all Free of any "overlay" of stuff. It simply was what it was. And it was Blue.
i loved looking at those CatHairScraps, still flying like prayer flags and i saw the one on the far left as a horse. a Horse Cloth. someday.
And as a continuation to the post of yesterday, this is what meditation means for me, specifically, Tonglen…it is a release from the self created commotion. It is a Response to what IS, rather than a Reaction. There is an important difference to me.
more just small stitches but important, the Invisible Baste, Jude Hill Spirit Cloth, on the right side in this pic. I wondered if it would be discernable. It is. there is a substance on the right side from the stitches that is not present on the left yet. A very slight implication of dimension.
I've run out of wood. Had called my wood guy, Evan, whose mailbox was full. He did finally call back and said he would go and haul more down, but that he had been focused on some OAK that he'd brought back from Texas (LIZ) when he hauled a load of New Mex wood to them there.
OAK. wow. Oak. well, more wow. But it's $400 a cord. No way. He is looking for a market for it with restaurants that cook with wood. I am kind of a restaurant, i cook a LOT, but ……….and then he called back to say he couldn't go UP to get more for me, it was wet, slippery, etc. So now, i am thinking, now what. And again, without commotion. Just a quiet now what.
ok. so it's all Just Going.
The Old Cowboy has been on the brink for a long time. In the last months, he has begun sliding.
To the extent that I gave in to the fact that it was time to bring Travis into the mix. I Had talked to him way back when Alz B. was still here, asking him if he might be willing, when the time came, and he'd said yes. Actually having the Old Cowboy meet him was no small thing. It was an acknowledgement that things are going downhill. But it is time. We talked about how things are now and how things will change and then in the Last Times, how they will be. Direct and sparing nothing. We talked about what he, Travis, and i could do between the two of us. And when necessary, The Best Nurse Cindy would advise us for more complicated care. And then…Hospice at the end. I have said before that OCB has no social skills. This is true. But he did have great
skill
at listening and adding his own sense of it all, making clear certain things that are important to him. And in those moments, I knew that we ARE in this for the Long Haul. What ever it takes. And that's new. For a while there, it seemed as if he would be going up to those cousins up the hill and would live out his time there. To be honest, i was glad. I was "excused". I could visit maybe, but not be responsible and even if it was ify there, i could uhhhh, think, well, it was his decision …the old "you make your bed" thing. For those who are not familiar with American expressions…You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it.
So…thinking, Facing, i have said ok. OK. and whatever it takes. We are in new territory now.
With all this in mind, i have been wondering where i can find the fortitude that it's going to take and again and again, my Buddhist path is all that i can see. And in that Path, there are many Ways. Some that i prefer…Ways of Meditation….Empty Mind being first. But i woke last night to understanding that it's going to be Tonglen. And i sat up, got a Jacket and did Tonglen. Yes. Very Much, Yes.
This is a very rudimentary explanation of Tonglen practice from Pema Chodron:
"Tonglen is a practice for connecting with suffering…ours and that which is all around us. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, you can open your heart and allow yourself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify you and make you far more loving and kind.
Tonglen is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us. We begin the practice of tonglen by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and whom we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out , you send that child happiness, joy, and whatever else would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in another's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness.
Often we cannot do this practice because it brings us face to face with our own fear, anger, or whatever our personal pain happens to be at that moment. So at that point you can change your focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for the millions of other people who at that very moment are feeling the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain, maybe you can't, but you can feel it….a tightness in your stomach, a heavy darkness, or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe, taking in the pain for all of us and sending out relief.
People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves, no matter what happens to others. Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and in the process we become liberated from the very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love for both ourselves and others.
Gradually, as you do this practice over time, your compassion expands naturally and so does your realization that things are not as solid as you thought. As you do this practice, you will be surprised to find yourself more and more able to be there for others, even in situations that used to seem impossible."
I am not afraid at all about the biological/physical challenges this will bring, this playing the end game with the OCB, but i need work about the stamina it will take. About changes that will come for him, my ability to respond to those with some kind of equilibrium. He is relying on me. He trusts me.
this is enough to say for now.
have been Looking for it and right in the middle, on the fence, the arch. It's a rocker that i cut off a rocking chair. Here, it represents the Passage Way, the Gate, from this Place over into the New Space. Enough for now too. I tied two strips of the Toad Egg cloth and one
red
scrap. Will let this stand for a while. Maybe more needs to be there. I don't know.
on the ground there, in front of that section of fence, between the two Buck yards, is piled all manner of scrap wood that has "potential" . I'll need to move it. Pile it more concisely. As with the small pieces of fencing that are there too. It is here that i need to begin digging a grave for Gideon. So it's ready when needed. It takes a lot of digging for a big Old Goat. Nothing to be done in a day. And so, it's him too, that i know that this practice of Tonglen is being called into play for. And Chinche who is beginning to become…. frail. There's a way to do all this with Love and a kind of steadyness. Am looking for that. Steadyness.
while fooling with how to make the energy of Air visible here, this happened. I love it in black and white. Someday i will make a Cloth of black and white as close to this as i can.
It's almost dark now. It's snowing.
just quiet. Began the "energetic substance" of what we call Air…. don't forget to double click.
i did a whole Post. I don't know where it went??????? But it was about a really GREAT day with the Old Cowboy. About how there is a new "component " in the weave of the players here. This is
Travis, a young man who is a CNA certified nursing assistant at the Old Folks home who i got to know because of Alz B. He came. They clicked. and in the original post, i went on, but now, i don't have the original wherewithal that i did an hour or so ago, already, i don't. But it was GRAND and so GREAT
and i have HOPE that we can see this through to it's End. Maybe tomorrow i can say all that i already said over again, but it was just so FINE and wonderfull, all of it
and when Home, i took down this Joys Cloth and invisible basted and it feels Right. Tomorrow i'll go forward with it. I basted that piece of seam binding that can be a Lizard at her hem and it will work and be good.
this arrived
look. Right now, it's just a lot of junk. metal stuff, junk and a lot of goat heads. Who knows…maybe that land next door can be somehow seeded with this? I will need to find out many things, but maybe. Maybe. and Maybe right now is good enough.
