windthread

a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection

 

sent by Tia Yesi.   She and the dad took Emrie to the mall.    And last night i Faltered with Radical Acceptance…not crashed,  but faltered.    All while she's been there she hasn't wanted to talk on phone.   They ask…do you want to call your mom?….  No.   When she has gotten on because someone else is talking to Alyssia,   it's been      Hi,  I love you,  bye.     That worked for a few days….but it's gone on.   Yesterday,  Alyssia got on the plane to go get her.  They come back tomorrow.   and on late into the day she was there…no phone…..and i thought,   faltering,    What If she wants to

stay

what if  the close to Disney production she walked into there is just SO GREAT….how they all have come up with such great and wonder FULL things and she has been the absolute CENTER of Everything for 2 weeks…non stop….no down time….What if a Hill  doesn't 

compare?

to eating out all the time,  going to Amusement Parks ,  an ocean,   malls for shopping,   riding in a new Jeep with a sun roof you can stand through ,  a stepMom who has turned out to be some kind of dream come true as has your         DAD.   How they are getting married.    going to make a baby.   who would be your sister or brother   all the Aunties,  the Abuela  the brother Aiden

it was about 10:30 last night when Alyssia called.   saying        She's ready.   She's really ready to come home.  

 

all baskets are        hand made.

made by hand       a human being's    hands.      This one…..from the Socorro NM thrift shop,   how many others have had it before me?     What all has it     held?      Who made it?     with their       hands      Where were they?     What did they make it     for?   

off and on,   when i could.   for the New Year.    When i finally lived alone in New Mex.   sometimes.   Just me.   and today,  belated due to circumstance,   Alyssia and i.   When she picked it up some days ago,  we debated on how much and i said i want more than i can eat.    Each box has 4 clusters.   we got 3 boxes.    and it was more than i could eat….i am amazed to say…..i thought i could eat crab legs into eternity….   A box went back to her house for Jeff…which assuaged my guilt for not including him but that would have meant his kids too and we were feeling selfish,  and her,  childless for the last day,         We were like two raccoons down at the creek.   next to no conversation,  just the intense focus on cracking open shell and scooping out the succulence.   She made a complex butter sauce.   

thinking about imagination.    Where is mine?   and,  really,   what does she even look like…or  maybe better use the pronoun They…..    so…how do you find out?…..pencil to paper.        so,  here,  talking,   whatever that might be like?    Want to spend some time with this.    They are sitting.   on rocks.   but i didn't have time for the rocks….was Feed time      so,  and,  because i am not good at rocks,  i want to take some time.   Maybe tomorrow?   

'

when i looked the other night at the little leaf on the moon night light,   i also saw this small glass vase in the background.    It's for water when i use the Inktense Penciils.  Saw how care less i've been…it was all clouded by calcification etc.    and i  stopped.  Got the Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar from way back in that shelf ,  filled and left over night.      It is now all    CLEAR and Beauty Full as it can be.  It makes me happy.

Small things.

Moving into the next.

What i come away with from 2023.    It's been an odd year.   I just STOPPED doing some things.  I could not say why…even to my self.             and then….as fate would have it,   that off handed "wish"  became the Gathering at the Well.   Beginning in July.

i would never have dreamed what it became and continues to BE ….  which is what i bring into this New Year called 2024 ….which has become Everything.     Radical Acceptance    that has now also rippled spontaneously into     Sacred Pause.   

As i go along i am going to try more to give "examples" of what these terms mean to me        So, the first here…..radical Acceptance,  is the reality that we do ,   DO,   have an aging herd of Goats and Oona is now the next who will be leaving us.  She had begun to leave the herd some weeks ago….keeping distant at feed times,  some from her own sense of things,  some from being "bullied" by others.   It's how it goes with Goats,  a deep deep sense of well being of the        herd…..   a weak member draws danger to All.  and then there was a wound to her udder.   We thought.    Do we call the vet….have her come and perform all manner of maybe surgical intervention,  that MIGHT help but might not?   that would mean  holding her daily for wound care and antibiotic injections,  which are no small trauma for a Goat     OR    do we do what we can to ease her,  to topically care for the wound,  be anti septic?   She is one of the 3 eldest,   old  .      Watch and assist how we can.   those words…Quality of Life.  This is all the more difficult in RAIN Season.    They don't let her sleep in the Rain House,  nor does she try to.   WHERE THEN? she chose under the Goat Boat trailer and then…in these last days….under this Tin House….dear her….but she is dry every morning when i am dreading going out and not being able to find her…like Mercy   but so far….every morning she is there.   

i have begun feeding her separately…..hand feeding of a sort…i have the Alfalfa Pellets in a "tupperware" type container that i carry to where she is and hold while she eats and then a portion of grass hay  and when the others catch on to what we are doing and try to interfere,  we move to continue and move more if necessary.   I sit or squat,  quiet to do this and it has brought me

Sacred Pause

i have found self looking up and off into the trees…and over days have noticed more and more their sense of Breathing….and i link my own breathing to that….a still pause….just being ….. just nothing but the moment,   the Trees  the reprieve from the long days of Summer that required so much from them,   now,   just Being   as Rain saturates the Earth

i still.  still do not like being wet.  do not like needing to accomplish things Wet…Cold…..i still whish things with her were not so but they are     Those things don't change,  but what does is the Acceptance of          Life.   on Life's terms.   I more and more can just let to of my own "over lay" of it all and  Be With It   …..   as it Is.   There is a great Release to this,  a sense of Spaciousness and it's  Good.   I will pause here.

 

YouTube   Tara Brach    12~27   Sacred Pause    lead  line    we are lost in the trance of doing

i said i'd use the Inktense.    i see  it lasted  not even 3 weeks…

maybe this time?     So….the ritual of going through the last year's calendar…bringing forward Birthdays etc   in to the New…making note of things that might be good to remember this time Around?   just   FEELING   how it was,  how it is Now,  how the same,  how different.   A life    in this orderly parade of squares.     Minnow is snoring.    All the blank squares ahead.  Nothing has happened yet.

 

 

      

 

 

with the little leaf.    just sitting,  breathing,   being present and i think that this year i will take Crow ….in the case of an Evacuation.   In the past,  i thought to leave.   Something is different.   Take.   

the light….is one of   4 little night lights that all together give light of a small lamp.   They go on and off by the touch of the palm of the hand.   

as i was leaving,   closing the Gate…..

there it was….so perfect so small    so        powerful       how it triggered such a response in me  

maybe in this new year i'll be willing to become better,  more diligent,  more patient and gather better words for things i want to say?,  maybe but not yet….so i can say….i was flooded.  Flooded.   with sensory feeling by this oh so small leaf.   Valley Oak.  Up here on the Hill it's predominately Live Oak.  but down there by the creek…Valley Oak that are the shape of my childhood oaks.  That Huge Tree at the end of the driveway of my childhood home that had the oh so oh so oh so fine rope swing that sailed out over the steep gully,  that had the multicolored leaves in the fall,  and

the multicolored ACORNS that i would collect to keep in the cigar box .   Jewels.

and this little leaf among many larger ones,  it felt in the moment i saw it     like the small skinny Me that swang in that swing and my Brain,  which is substance,  my Brain that houses somehow my Mind which remembers  and triggers my Heart which is a word for a psychic phenomenon all this was Flooded with such PLEASURE and LOVE and WELL BEING.    Think of it.

all that happening because of seeing a leaf

 

this oh so elegant …..book….was gifted me.   i am sad to say that i don't remember Who sent it.   Are YOU there?   Was it You?  Please tell me.     

because it's time now that I use it.   Perfect time now.   I've kept it and waited.  but….Now.

Alyssia has a suitor.   I smile as i use that word…   but that's what he is.   They talk.   long distance…he is in San Diego…some hours away.    He is determined and so is she.    She Holds.   to all the reasons why she is not interested in pursuing this potential.    He goes on about how and why he thinks it is WORTH taking the time to understand any possibility.    Her first reason is Emrie.  She is not at all interested in working through any "relationship" that would involve Emrie or Julian.  She thinks in terms of a SomeDay…like 10 years from now.   Maybe.    and in the conversation last night she also said      and then there is you.   This….in regard to her moving.     Me.    so we go there.   the thing of Me….where we've been before now and then….

her uhhhh,  commitment to doing what might be needed.   This is nothing new,  but before it didn't have the added factor of a Suitor.   

it bothers me…and that's an  easy way to put it…bothers….but i am lazy,  so it will do….it bothers me that she includes Me into the mix when thinking about her own Future.    I have always said pretty much the same thing.   I used to say it to Jenny when i still was in New Mex.   When "it's time",   just take me up to Good Sams….that "old folks home" where Alz Betty spent the last year or so of her life…and i said that honestly…i knew what it was like there,  having spent many days there hanging out with Alz B  and i was ok with it.   If i reach that point…just take me there.   At the time i said…with some paper,  my colored pencils,  my 2B and 6B pencils…i will be ok.  She always said…no.   We will come and bring you here.    Whether or not you want to go.

so…i'm already here.    there must be  a place  like Good Sams    here.   And we talked a while…and this is nothing new,  but we talked again     about what i think about all that.   That "when it's time" it won't matter.   I will be  "at loose ends"…and we defined what that might be
and she said….what about if you are    lucid   and    frail?    More talk.   and i realize that there is no way to know.  No Way.  i can say what i say now but really….will i be able to hold to it?,   if i am 

frail but Lucid?   i hope

so i told her i would write my thought down.   And then,  each New Year that i am still here,   write an Update.

I remembered this book and looked and found it.   It's perfect.   I would like to thank YOU…who sent it,  let you know that it's time has come.

Love and Love