windthread

just pencil to paper and whatever happens…..

that one on the left….urge to FIX it…..does not look like a Goat…no….but….NO to the urge for fixing,  so….let it be for now.   This is early….first thing…maybe 5 or 6  am….I like it.   a good way to Begin.

this is in response to finding the Photography of Charles Freger….his book   Wilder Mann

 

I was going to say a lot of things but as time went on,  i thought again about Versions,  how there are so many and all so True for each experience….

So….Happiness  to yours….this is mine.   

collage again….What if?

Boardwalk at the Ocean with Dad and Luz.   She looks more herself,  less wired.  

Change.    in Buddhist terms,   Impermanence.  

What doesn't change?

Cloth.    Cloth does not change.       I unrolled this…looking…and no.   No change.   Maybe it's time to pin the spirals into place,  whatever that might be…and begin stitching.   Holding them so they can hold me.

 

 

a brother

 

 

 

 

and then………………………………………………………………….a Dad                    stopped by the painting class

her music teacher says     She sings with all her heart.

there is DELUGE outSide.   Great….horizontal strikes of lightning and then the THUNDER.   Minnow is afraid.  She lies at my feet,  her eyes glued to my face,  sometimes getting up to press herself into the cabinet door.   We don't have electrical storns.  Just incessant Deluge.  

They are on the way to the airport.  Fly with stop at Las Vegas then on to Houston.   they will be met by the Tia's Yesi and Beatrice,  the half brother Aiden and the Grandmother.   Four hours later Alyssia is returned to the airport in order to fly back and in 2 hours drive again to the airport to set Julian off to New Jersey and his father.    Christmas vacation it used to be called.

this has been long prepared for.  All family in Houston, there are many aunts and uncles,  chipping in for the airfare.   Aunty Beatrice,  a kindergarden teacher,   will fly back with her in

2 weeks.     TWO WEEKS.

They went last when she was going on 3.  She remembers.  then Covid.    She used to talk on phone video things with her Dad pretty frequently.  As time has gone on,  not so much.   But her Dad is  BIG in her mind.   in her Heart.  in her imagination.  Her Dad.   She will stay with the Aunties.   The  Dad thing is still to be worked out.   He is a cop,   an undercover cop.   Works lots of hours,   but that's just part of it.   He has a

fiance

So.   What all is in her head…there's no way to know.   She can't begin to verbalize it all.   But she is BEYOND ready for this Visit,  is so so excited for all of it,  there are many cousins,   they are a large El Salvadoran family…she loves 

family

has claimed them for all time she can remember.     

my Friend Raina in Ann Arbor sent her a dress.   She loves to cruize  Target for Emrie things…i think things she wishes were for her,  but  can   be for Emrie.   This one is well,  an extravagance…all a bold floral print with an emerald green velvet bolero jacket.  They brought it when they came the other day to bring ice  to show me.   I said    Ooooo,   you can wear that to church with your Grandma there,   her eyes widened……I went on to say how much her Grandma loves her church.   After a while she said…..  What IS church?   We were feeding Goats so it was a distracted moment and i just said well…it's a very BIG BeautyFULL building and people go there,  many at the same time and they sing and they talk about God,  they love to talk about God.    and then after a long pause she said    and that's where you get married.   

this morning Alyssia got a text from

Luz

the fiance.   Saying she  knew  it was past  time….and what size is Emrie and what is her favorite color.   Alyssia sent a

thank you for reaching out response     and told Emrie that her dad's fiance's name was Luz.   Emrie thought and then said

can i just call her    StepMother?

there is ROOM.   AMPLE ROOM  in Emrie for Everyone.   She will hug them.  Like she does.   We will see how that goes.  Can Luz survive her distance after being hugged by Emrie?   

the Grandma,  the Aunties are so so HAPPY for this,   the church is a Big  spanish language Catholic Church of the large El Salvadoran community there,   they will make pupusas and hopefully she will bring some home for me in her backpack.  Her Grandma's dream is to take her back home to El Salvador some day.   Show her.   Emrie will see her self in these people,  these people who are  Family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the best definition yet.   and work enough to fully take in the meaning of such simple words.   Put to the test today.   It's begun.  24 hours of constant and steady downpour with a couple  vague  windows of        light rain   to  fast feed Goats.   Forecast is  3  days of this.    a single day reprieve  and then it will begin again.   Mala beads set the pace,  the rhythm for the mind.   Pull me back when i wander.  

Cookies from Nancy.   As Every year….she sends a tin of cookies.    Alyssia brought them today when she brought the ice for my refrigerator.   We opened them and Emrie remembered from years before….the BEST cookies EVER she exclaims and again wants to be told how Nancy MAKES them….not buys them….but MAKES them

so we shared the cookies…little baggies for some to take home and share with Brinley Jax and Julian.   There's still a lot for me.  And there was a card and 

this

Nancy said she was sorry to include it with the cookies….but

i looked….who is this old geezer?   I would have NEVER recognized  it to be him….he had a beard and a long very beautiful pony tail down to the middle of his back.   he was a hippie sublime.   we worked together at that Neuropsychiatric Institute of the University of Michigan…   We lived together for a time.   A story too long to tell.

he had come up just in the last days.   when Alyssia and i were into one of our late night phone conversations where we tell stories about our lives    and i said.   I said Out Loud.  to her……I guess it's true.  I really DID love him.   and in that moment,  it felt so good and so right,  to say that aloud to someone….to acknowledge it,  because it was true…to not just blow it off as something that …..happened for a while.   I told her how he loved the smell of my armpits….would lie in bed with his nose close so he could …..enjoy….the smell of my armpits.

a few years ago i'd asked Nancy if she could help me get in touch with him.   She tried,  but it didn't happen.  and i just let it go because i'd thought….who does it serve?…..i'd wanted to get in touch with him to say that i understood that i'd been a real asshole about "breaking up"….not asking for forgiveness….but just to tell him that i understood it as what it WAS.   I think back then,  a few years ago….i might not have been able even then,   to say

i really did love you

i can say it today.   I really did love you,  Jeff.