a day of Unforseen. Alz. B. When i got there, i said, kind of hanging sideways, my face close to hers, hey, Betty…it's me, grace and she got a soft, very strongly softly intense smile and looking me directly in the eye said…"grapes?" i stayed a long time. today she felt very lightly in her body. the first time i have felt that. loosened. her spirit felt loosened. mostly we held hands. i stroked her here and there. she drifted. i'll take her grapes next time.
Home and phone ringing off the hook a FEW DIFFERENT TIMES, the Old Cowboy and i won't go into detail but last week he used very bad judgement about a young man who came to his door looking for work. bad went to worse. in the beginning, i was bluntly opposed but he said i was being a bitch, and so i backed off and now we clean up the mess.
and i spent time with the quiet dear bucks. i pulled them kochia and scrubbed their water tub with pumice and raked their space. somehow TenZen, who is the most quiet and unassuming made his fur glisten in the sunlight. Glisten. he is not a really glistenie goat, but today he did. thrilled with the company, maybe? The absence of Buckwheat is Enormous out there. Realizing just how much energy he had magnetized to him Self, actually, Demanded. and i think about that. i still don't ever know how much you Give, once you begin Giving. is it the Right Thing to Give Forever? or, is it ok sometimes to say, Enough? i DO NOT KNOW the answer to this. i never have. maybe i never will. but now, i am acutely aware of that initial moment of commitment, or, really, the moment BEFORE that moment…when you know what you are on the brink of doing but haven't done quite yet. Aware. and i find self looking at one of the little bucks, one of his sons, and thinking.
and if i was still drawing, i would sharpen my colored pencils for this and spend days and days and days. to me, this is just completely elegant….
i love this. the forms, the blurs, the clarity, the color. Everything. Every Thing.
and there's a storm hesitating again, from the East. WHY? Why the East? so…will end this here with the West and go back to answer comments until the lightning makes me stop.
************** oh…i guess i have to tell the truth. the Other Thing today was that someone told me to go look at Bill Moyers…Frontline….the report of two families in Milwaukee. almost 2 hours. and i watched. and i was stunned. Where have i been? these years that this has taken place….i 've been Here, but some how insulated from understanding really, what all that news meant. the loss of jobs and then endless jobless ness. FORECLOSURE. somehow my understanding of all that was totally small in comparison to what i saw today. somehow i imagined the Foreclosures to be because people had over extended. somehow i thought that there was some excess involved on the part of people who drowned in their credit debt. How can i say this…
Life here, where i live is really so Small. so Plain for the majority. it reminds me of what my mother told me when i asked about the Depression that occured in her life. and her answer to me was that she really didn't experience anything at all. life was so spare for them, it remained so, and differed little. all she could remember as different were the men who came to the door. asking her mother for food and to sleep in the barn for the night.
so i went off to see Alz B after having watched that program, that almost 2 hours and i felt like i did not know anything at all about the world and felt disassociated from what i had thought i'd known. and i still feel that. it's lessened. but it remains. and i feel odd.
windthread 
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