so
yesterday i spend pretty much the whole day driving to Albuquerque to the Cost Co for the Old Cowboy, getting off freeway to go to the Reservation Smoke Shop to buy his Copenhagen with no tax and back on the freeway into Albuq which is like a Rodeo, that part of the freeway and into the CostCo to buy him honey and peanut butter and Log Cabin Syrup and dog food, toilet paper, paper towel and DVD-Rs so he can continue to pirate things off his Dish Network. all told it's about, well a 200 + round trip. it's all i do. drive, get his stuff, drive back. when i got home, i went outside. began pulling the weed plants that have arisen with the rain in the House Yard, the Right Side.
today, i took him to the Magistrate Court in response to the supoena that he received to file charges against the young man who he had hoped would clean his yard and maybe more for cheap but who instead used his truck and his pin number at his ATM and ripped him off and is in jail now because of getting caught in his truck with heroine. We sat there for 3 hours, listening to sad story after sad story until the court assistant that i had talked to motioned for me to come….said there would be a continuance and he would need to come back again. the court would contact him. we left. and i came home to the Goats, to finish the weed work.
the large coiled thing is the hose that is supposed to become the Grey Water drain. it just sits. Who Knows when that might happen.
so….if you are looking for an UpLifting Blog, you will need to go elsewhere. There is simply some very slitty eyed Just Going here. my right eye aches. like back into my head, where i imagine eye Roots go….near my brain…i can feel them, these Eye Roots…individually, and it's a kind of ache.
When i got to his house today it was silent and usually two TVs are going simultaneously. one in the living room with some movie he's taping and the kitchen/diningroom one with CNN. i knew the CNN one was off because HE knew it would be a hot topic….and he was nervous enough about going out of the house One, and to a situation he didn't know, court, Two…
but then…as it is with people, he couldn't help it. as i was helping him work his walker through his front door to the car, he said…."I'm sweatin like a nigger going to an election".
it's bad enough normally, but in the moment i just froze. he understood it all totally and clunked my arm with the back of his hand and said "lets go, Sugarfoot".
in that moment i close to hated him. and then now and then during the court thing, i was close to hating him. i have let go of hate if i ever truly felt Real Hate ever, but things close, and i have come to understand that as toxic. to the hater and the hated. so i don't indulge in anything close to hate anymore. but today…something like it rose up. and i felt so uhhh, helpless in the face of it. his repeatedly CHOOSing to find pleasure in those kinds of words, to find some kind of release in those kinds of words. WHY????????????? What Good does it serve him? And i can't just never go back. if i could, i would…never go back. but i can't. and it's the same in a certain way that i have to face not being able to never go back to this country i live in. it's what IS. and i am so really
What?
What am i "so really?" i don't know how to think it yet. maybe tomorrow, when i get to stay home.
this was the Sun, late in this day
windthread 
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