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quiet

it's different.   

i don't know if it will Last,  but today,  it's very different.   No more Vocalizing first thing in the morning,  then mid day and then evening.  Silent,  pretty much.   Some calling but just normal Goat calling,  not the Intense or Shrill.   I watch them,  from this distance,  the house yard or even out the door.  They pretty much are just standing and looking.   Standing and looking.  If the doe Goats are in the middle pen,  they look at them.  If they are in the Way Back,  they just look in this general direction.    I am going out and giving peanuts.   I am also deep into thinking about Sensory Gates.  I find that there are examples of this Everywhere,  one of them being in the conversation with Jan who has very very specific gates she operates out of.    When we'd moved the bucks,  we stood in the Albatros next to the Doe bedroom where they all were,  sheltering from the rain.  We stood and looked and talked Goat.  One of the things she said was  "Your daughter is never going to come get these goats.  There are plenty of goats in California."   "Pick two of them that you like the best and let the others go".  and there was silence.    She broke the silence saying  "Which do you like the best"  and i looked at them,  all gathered there,  all listening to the conversation,  and i said

All of Them.  All of Them for different reasons,  each one of them.

And she heard me and she understood what she was hearing but she also has very strong Gates.  and she said…. "Pick two    Let the rest go and don't have opinions about their future".    

So i think about this today in the back of my mind as i go about going to work and then coming home to stuff here and i think about it.    And i wonder what it would be like to have Strong Gates like that.  To be so SURE of stuff,  to not WONDER.   Most of my Gates i think are made of vague stuff,  i can't even in this moment think of an analogy,  but just thin vague stuff.  Hardly Gates at all.  Maybe like of old very weather and time worn string that can break and dangle.

I don't know.

IMG_0900f

i don't think there's anything visible in this pic but i invisible basted pretty much the whole Left as we look at it.  Doesn't change the visual much,  but does make a great difference to the FEEL of it.

 

IMG_0901f

and after Waiting,  it's Time to go back to this one.   See what wants to come here.  

So,  ok.  ok.

 

 

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42 responses to “quiet”

  1. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    hey grace, some people are more comfortable having their minds made up about things. . .which is what I read in what she said about the goats. you know your daughter better than anyone. . .and your instincts about the possibilities are sound. I would never think of you as ‘vague’. . .more like generously open to a sense of things. even so, I was delighted to read of how fluidly you and she worked together to separate the bucks. love,

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  2. Yvette Avatar
    Yvette

    Oooo Grace
    That was difficult to hear i think
    Shivers

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  3. Yvette Avatar
    Yvette

    But out of love for you
    Simple practicalvthinking from Jan
    But
    Wel
    But
    Time is just now
    And you cope with it with your strenght and thoughts of us who love you

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  4. Yvette Avatar
    Yvette

    The tay cloth is my dearest i think
    You captured her so Well
    Love

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  5. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i bring my thinking here. and say it out loud. you listen.
    you think too, for the moment.
    and yes. her thinking is solid. real.
    but it’s not my own thinking.
    but i am looking at my OWN gates and thinking of opening ALL gates
    some in this moment, some in the next.
    OPEN ing all Gates.
    and you know this, Yvette. You are an Open Gate Woman.
    so i love that you stand here with me and Look

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  6. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    Good words from Jan the Commentor, problematic ones from Jan the Goat Lady. I think we need our filters in order not to be overwhelmed by input, but some people’s filters turn into walls…thick ones too. The vague gates you see in yourself are not as weak, in my opinion as the strong sureness you see in Jan GL. That sureness is a defense against the fear and pain of imagining the fates of animals she can no longer support. I’ll bet she has had a lot of practice managing her feelings about animals and her defenses are hard because of emotional callouses, but it would be brave to take the animal’s needs into account, as if they matter too. I know you will be able to factor both your needs and theirs together when the time comes and make the right decision without expecting to escape the pain it may inflict.
    The cloths are looking good.

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  7. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it was beyond Grand…the moving of the bucks, the changing midstream to what was Happening.
    There are so many, just so many things about that Event that are
    Alive to me in the moment. How it was pouring rain and still she
    said ” So What” and we DID what corrected the Threat to Nogal’s well being, tho from innocent intent from Sunny Ray. Today, Nogal puts weight on his weak leg. Today Sunny Ray is quiet and not the Idiot
    he’s been for weeks now. He and his sire Gideon cohabiting in Peace.
    i need to sit with it all. Sit with it and Feel it and try to make whatever sense of it i can and use that to go forward with this Experience that has come to me because i have been WILLING

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  8. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    all words RECEIVED
    “without expecting to escape the pain in my inflict”.
    i am really deep into the above. Living is what it is. Living
    is not without ……………uhhhh…….consequence.
    YES. BIG. YES.

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  9. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it may

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  10. Yvette Avatar
    Yvette

    Dana below writes what i ment to say

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  11. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    she’s easy to capture because she is so Strong

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  12. Yvette Avatar
    Yvette

    Thank you Dana for this clear words

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  13. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. i know. i know.
    i Know You. yes

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  14. julie Avatar
    julie

    It took me a long time to realize that for some people, difficult emotions require a “solution.” (Me being the classic example of Some People.) This feels like Jan, who is so useful when you are really trying to solve a concrete problem.

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  15. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    YEs, Julie, oh and way YES. And i am replaying it all today,,,,,
    like replaying it and looking so closely and well at it All…
    she, really, is magnificant. WAS/IS magnificant. Beyond magnificant, really. She could FIX. We FIXed.
    She reminds me a lot of the daughter…who factors in here and i am hesitant to say much about that…but the need within the self to just FIX.
    And then, what if you can’t FIX the Whole of It? What if you can FIX pieces of it but come to realize you can’t fix the whole of it?

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  16. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    and so…you fix what’s in front of your face, in this singular moment and then you just go. You just go. There is no longer any image that you just go Toward, but it becomes the Just Going Itself that has meaning. ???????????????????????????????????

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  17. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    the choosing ALL of them, each one of them, I understand this, and in some distant way, it relates to the struggle I’m having in trying to help 5th graders with math, and watching some of them slip through our fingers.

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  18. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    Vague, thin weathered string that snaps -YOU? HARDLY…
    From the beginning, you have just gone, adapting to place, creating and seeding when you could, correcting when necessary, taking on what had to be taken on, studying, learning, asking, doing, worrying, caring, taking more on, wondering but always, always, doing and if you couldn’t, seeking answers and help from others.
    Maybe strong gates are to be admired but I would rather have your resilient flexible gates because that’s what you need, the willingness (your word Willing) to face what presented and take it from there.
    Oh and one more thing, do not respond by saying that you know I love you because of the words I have put here: the words that I have written here are a mirror for you to see all that you are and all that you bring to each day. They reflect the YOU I know and the YOU that we see here in this place, nothing more, nothing less, the whole…

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  19. Stacie Avatar
    Stacie

    I think you can have strong and flexible gates being the same. The different mindset that Jan has is one I can appreciate, I don’t see it as thick walls or defense. It just is, a way of being that is no better or worse than anyone else’s way of being, simply a personal way of being. Personally, when I let an animal move on it becomes the Universe’s job for that animal with it’s own soul contract as I am not always necessarily their forever home. BUT my way of being is why I also do not breed animals as I see no point to keep adding to population…just my small part, not a big effect but at least a small part I can do. I think on the goats, do not keep them because of the daughter that may or may not come back to get them. Instead keep them for you, because you choose to keep them because you want to. Beautiful clothes, love the Tay cloth.

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  20. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    the hardest part of love is love and the easiest part of love is love.
    Makes no sense I suppose but what can I do, I’m accumulated wound constantly healing, a jumble of feeling connections to untangle every day. Still, the easiest and hardest love is better than no love at all.

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  21. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    (((Grace))) have to say I agree with Jan, in practical animal husbandry terms you have too many goats for such a small area & the land will need a rest soon!

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  22. julie Avatar
    julie

    Or maybe: just because it is hard ,doesnt mean it is broken. Yes, you just go and fix the bucks -living-on-top-of-one-another problem, but she turned Goats into the problem. Having them is a challenge but I have never heard you feel like it needs Solving. (Except one time when you wished you were free to go visit your new granddaughter in Colorado. Gee, I could pass a quiz about your blog!!!)

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  23. patricia Avatar
    patricia

    this is such an interesting thing to think about–and to observe in self and others–sensory gates and how they function. so many thoughts around this. around being open in one’s heart and how that relates…what that means. wondering about that now. because i think that near forever i’ve equated open heart with this new-to-me concept, sensory gates. which then segues into the obvious need for filters and boundaries…and knowing when each are called for. and what usually happens when i think about this for too long is that i become muddled. stuck in my mind. it all becomes just too heady. and my fallback seems to be asking for the highest good to manifest and then stepping back to watch. and we’ve talked about balance also well…so there’s that too–and i think of that–balance–as i read Mo’s comment about space and the land. lately there have just been so many decisions to make–so much on my plate–and i’m finding myself thinking more often than not “not only do i not know…but i also don’t know what i don’t know.” sounds crazy i think.

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  24. Cynthia Avatar
    Cynthia

    …oh grace..out to another and new doctor appointment,,my thoughts are not together exactly and i cannot even form them…except to send love..to add one more strand in the collection of all the thoughts above,,gentle day grace

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  25. jude Avatar
    jude

    pick two. sounds simple. i have been both ways. able and not. has to do with something but i am never sure what. The man here is a “pick two” kind of person. i learn by being near him, yet, i am still not.

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  26. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    I love this second cloth … Tay leading the way

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  27. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i under stand the similarity….Why not ALL of them????? Why some???

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  28. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i am so looking at Gates and Corridors
    it’s important for the Just Going, to Learn

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  29. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    because of how the school system is set up, because of the damned book we have to follow, with no time for looking back, because I cannot work fast enough, but after reading this post yesterday, I set to thinking. there are a few new things I’m going to try, we just need to keep at it, there must be a way.

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  30. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Stacie…i really Appreciate your words here, your thoughts your
    Presence…Very MUCH.
    There is a lot that you offer that i take in. And Yes, it is TRUE
    that a way is no better or worse. It is a Way. And in a certain
    way, i so admire Jan and love her Way.
    I don’t know about the part of it being the Universe’s job
    i don’t know about that part…i think maybe it might have been the
    Universe’s job that put them HERE, with me and my flimsey gates
    Do you not then eat cheese? Cheese is the direct result of breeding.
    This is a dilemma for me.
    So, lots of conversation i would have with you but the part i loved best and think in is that of keeping the goats because i choose to, for whatever reason. OR not keeping the goats for whatever reason. But you are RIGHT, very RIGHT…that is aside from the daughter

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  31. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i agree. It’s Love. Whatever that looks like. Whatever form.
    It’s the Work and it’s Good Good Work.

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  32. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Practical Animal Husbandry. am looking.

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  33. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i’m learning. What’s
    “called for?”
    and
    why?

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  34. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. Just Go and do what is needed.
    Big and Giant Love to you

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  35. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Pick two.
    What a LESSON this is, even just imagining it

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  36. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes…she leads.

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  37. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. there must be a way. You will find it. All those systems…
    created to confine. to not Allow.
    you would really LIKE and Connect to this book

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  38. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    I have ordered it up from the library…though my head is so full of cursed partial quotients I don’t know if there’s enough brain to follow. yesterday I was deeply DIScouraged- feeling like a grumpy incompetent bitch, but today… some hope.

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  39. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    the thing to look at, is that we CHOOSE. We CHOSE, Cindy.
    You. Me. It’s not like it descended from the Heavens, we went for
    it….our noses to the ground…directly FOR it….and
    so……………………….
    Cause and Effect, yes?

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  40. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    and am looking at the Whole of this Ecosystem here, how it may be
    her work to lead with certain things and mine to follow.

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  41. handstories Avatar
    handstories

    Yes, I am choosing to be with these students, to try and help, because it is a good thing to do, and sometimes hard, but it is doing good, for all of us. And today I brought one more along…she was pissed when I sat down to try, but we both ended laughing and hopeful.

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  42. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes. sometimes it will please us, how it goes. Sometimes Not.
    but it never changes the reality that we Chose. That’s what i’m
    looking at.

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