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unsure

but…no way to know.  It seems just from what i can kind of Sense,  from the few places i go,  that there is some dis~ease,  some unrest going on in the internet world.  People are feeling strungout and well,  i really can't tell,  because it's all only very vaguely referenced in other people's blog comments,  but none the less….i notice.   And here i am,  making a cloth for a dead wolf and his mate.  Not all that uhhh,  cheerfull?, i guess,  but to me,  it is what makes sense for how i felt about that.  Anyway….an odd day and i decided to experiment and 

DO Nothing.

except what absolutely needed to be done which was to feed things here,  go feed Allan's cats.  Came home and did a long Sitting Meditation,  and it was easy to go a long time and then i did Nothing.  Just to see how that felt.  Knowing i'd have Nothing to offer here and so wondering Why do i keep doing this,  and maybe enough is enough and maybe i am part of that sense of  "over extended" beyond reason…?????   But still, i did nothing but just looking around,  letting mySelf feel what its like to Do Nothing.   I really didn't like it.  

and then 4 oclock something came and something in me that surprised me looked for the Triple Crown which i knew was today,  but hadn't kept close to,  but i DID know and i looked and i watched American Pharoah win the Triple Crown,  watched him run and watched and watched a video that was constantly interrupted by pauses but i watched and when he finished so so FIRST i burst into tears  

and Tay rushed over 

IMG_3510f

so i don't know what to think about any of this.  And i'm thinking it really doesn't matter what i think.  Stuff is Stuff and yes,  it often is boring here and might even become MORE boring but then that's up to everyone to determine.  It is what it is.

 

 

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35 responses to “unsure”

  1. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    it’s good to name what we feel. . .uncertainty. . .unease, etc. . .and then it’s good to find our way out of it again. . .to know that we can be present to it all and also to shapeshift it. . .to shift ourselves. . . .we have that love,

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  2. grace Avatar
    grace

    i’m thinking being Present for nothing is
    important.
    there is that URGE to CREATE something, when, really, there is nothing….
    this might be important.

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  3. grace Avatar
    grace

    and then, at the last of this day, i went out and cleaned the Goat waterbowls with a copper scrubbie and vinegar. I cut the kochia weeds in the driveway where tomorrow Jackie and her son Phillip will come and back in and dump the half ton bale of alfalfa. I moved the hoses so they won’t get squashed. But still,
    it doesn’t “amount” to much, sorta, but then sorta, it really DOES. It amounts to a Lot in it’s way.
    I think of American Pharoah, a horse. Who loves to RUN. Really, running for a horse isn’t much…for him, not much at all, because he Loves to Run….and
    he stands tonight in his stable, eating feed, similar to the Goats here. Nothin much, really.

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  4. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    You know what i think, I think that sometimes it just takes getting off the wheel to notice feeling. Jackie Morris wrote about the Death of her old cat Max quite beautifully after a long happy blog about the Hay Fair in Wales (http://www.jackiemorris.co.uk/blog/not-knowing-what-to-say/#comment-592914) and I had tears at the back of my throat suddenly. Sometimes, for no particular reason other than that feelings build up inside and just want out, I lay down to sleep and tuck ‘teddy’ under my neck, pull the covers over my head and weep. It’s a relief. Sometimes it’s just joy like with the triple crown-a race well run by a handsome horse-here’s the thing itself without interruption so you can share it if you want…https://youtu.be/ctss9h26IqY
    How dear of Tay to come comfort you. They worry when we are sad or sick.

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  5. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    I do a lot of that lately. . .and very conscious of not wanting to create from that uncertain place. . .that place of unease. . .unless I know for sure that what I have to create will shift things. . .that’s probably unclear. . .but yes, being present for nothing. . .like finding neutrality perhaps?

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  6. grace Avatar
    grace

    i have many times wished that i could go on some kind of Retreat…for months
    at a time, some buddhist retreat, but
    what if
    what if my life here can serve that same purpose, where there is really
    Nothing
    but the silence within
    the small goings of nothing much. it’s what i
    have
    so, can i let it BE what it is?

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  7. grace Avatar
    grace

    when i was really little, i imagined i was the HORSE. I knew of the Triple Crown from a very young age. I wanted to be the HORSE. Then, i found out
    that filly’s don’t run. So i imagined then being the jockey. I wanted to be a jockey, who is really, only Part of the Horse until i found out that jockeys aren’t girls. So…ok. But i still loved it. I had scrap books of the
    horses, the jockeys.
    I was crying, but i was yelling too….HE WON! HE WON! in his BEAUTY he WON!
    so Tay knew it wasn’t sad, but didn’t know exactly WHAT it was, and neither did i

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  8. Judith in N. CA Avatar
    Judith in N. CA

    Oh Grace, the race was wonderful wasn’t it…did you notice his stretch..his hind legs would come so far forward and then he’d release them allll the way back. It must have felt so Fine to him. He has a slightly different stride and that’s what carries him forward. But he does know he wants to run and they do know when they’ve won..or better said, when they’re in front..leader of the pack. Do you know the story of that wonderful jockey ? He was raised on a Goat Farm, yes it’s true..look him up. I love him almost as much as the horse himself ! Yes, I was crying too..all three races. Have you ever kissed a horse on that soft, soft nose ? Almost as wonderful as a goat or sheep snuffling you. Oops, this got a little long..couldn’t help myself.

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  9. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    what a great horse!

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  10. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    Thank you, Grace and everyone, for sharing so much from your hearts. The pure joy of this beautiful horse who WON today. And dear Tay so full of compassion rushing to your side. You felt that you had “nothing” to share but it was SO much. Again, thank you, ALL.

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  11. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    You shared a beautiful moment in your joy re American Pharoh: we watched on our little TV and I yelled when American Pharoh won. We try never to miss watching these races, the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness and the Belmont. When we lived in TN, I had so hoped that we would be able to go to the Kentucky Derby…seeing a race live is an other world experience. Over the years, wherever we have lived that has horse racing, we’ve tried to go and see, especially liking to go early in the morning when the horses are training.
    When we came to meet you all those years ago, we stopped at the Sunland race track and casino. It was a misty morning and we stood by the track rail. In the distance you could hear this sound, kerplock, kerplock, kerplock and then heavy breathing and then out of the mist, these magical creatures appeared running full tilt, it takes your breath away.
    Next month we will travel to Farmington to watch live racing at SunRay Park.

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  12. patriciaspangler47@gmail.com Avatar
    patriciaspangler47@gmail.com

    yes. YES. to all of this. to the sense you have of universal dis-ease. to nothingness and everything. to being still with the ease and dis-comfort as well. i think sometimes that simply being is hard. but then i wonder what “hard” really means and i know that i don’t know. and yes, watched AP and his jockey and noticed my nerves until the jockey spoke–who yes said he had 12 siblings from the goat farm where he was raised, and yes, this was the 12th triple crown winner and that was very significant to him–12–, and yes, he left home at 15 to drive a bus–and with all of that, “hard” seemed to go up in a poof. . and right now i am just blabbering away so will stop

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  13. .cynthia Avatar
    .cynthia

    it is what it is…and here we all are. by choice.(….never bored..)…and somehow extra delighted to see how many people here watched and cheered on a horse…were happy for a jockey..i always love the preakness because i love the blanket of black eyed susans…
    gentle day grace

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  14. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    Seems to me everything is important……whether we know it or not.. one man’s trash is another man’s treasure! It is simple amazing to me how our 4 legged friends sense things within us that we don’t even recognize within ourselves…they know and give comfort!

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  15. jude Avatar
    jude

    dis-ease is ok. it s the root of change.
    what a dog.
    what a race.

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  16. jude Avatar
    jude

    oh, and unsure. this is it.

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  17. grace Avatar
    grace

    this was to Michelle

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  18. grace Avatar
    grace

    i have watched horses. Not closely or with any regularity, but
    now and again and there is nothing quite like a Thorobred….sp
    they are what they ARE and they have RUN inside them. I love the
    Beauty of that. It’s Magic.

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  19. grace Avatar
    grace

    i am learning. That “nothing” is really, something
    THANK you and Love,

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  20. grace Avatar
    grace

    it does. It takes the breath away. They are so PURE and so
    LOVE what they ARE and DO

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  21. grace Avatar
    grace

    blabbering is very loving…………
    so many questions and we answer them for our selves day to day
    as best we can and we slowly slowly slowly become QUIET

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  22. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes….CHEERING, CHEERING a horse who just is what he IS
    isn’t that just the most Beauty FULL?????????????

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  23. grace Avatar
    grace

    it is. Everything is Important. it
    is

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  24. grace Avatar
    grace

    yup.

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  25. grace Avatar
    grace

    and unsure. Unsure is important. it keeps us close to the bone

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  26. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    And love circling back to you!

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  27. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    What was to Michelle (me) Grace???

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  28. julie Avatar
    julie

    My bindweed is definitely not innocent.

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  29. Dana Avatar
    Dana

    It seems like we are a tribe of Horse Girls here. I know I am one. I have loved horses since I was tiny, although I have never owned one. What is it about the beauty of horses that touches girls so? Animal power that can be touched and joined? Freedom and agency in a restrictive world? Whatever, horses are magical and a swift horse in full flight is a wonder to behold. Yay American Pharoh.

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  30. deb lacativa Avatar
    deb lacativa

    OH! Tay’s face shows that your tears matter. That face!
    I once stood right at the rail at Belmont. It wasn’t a big race, but my first. I was torn about how the horses are used. Or not.
    A close friend said “No matter what the jockeys may want it’s always up to the horses.”  And just then, the herd thundered by so close you could smell their sweat and excitement and mud splattered us. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time.

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  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    that Tay knew it wasn’t sad, but had no reference for the
    EXCLAMATION!!!!, the RUSH of TEARS!…so came…to look and
    try to understand

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  32. grace Avatar
    grace

    but they ARE!…innocent in their ZEST!

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  33. grace Avatar
    grace

    a horse is the first real thing i ever bought. I boarded her. She was a mongrel appaloosa. I was 19 years old. I sold her to pay for
    an abortion.

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  34. grace Avatar
    grace

    you know, i really don’t know the Whole of It about Thoroughbreds…
    how it is,
    but i do know they have the RUN thing in them….and i connect to
    that RUN thing…what it must feel like to the horse…
    it was good to see this particular race because the jocky just rode.
    The Horse RAN, and his ears, his ears were never stressed…

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  35. Kristin Avatar
    Kristin

    a race…thoro-bred…the first ever watched…what called out to watch, I have no understanding…the beautiful gift of form and power and concentration, and winning…this horse who called out for my eyes and attention was truly something. . . something wonderful

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