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tears

had a conversation with Wendy Golden Levitt a couple or a few or more days ago about being

Stoic

about the shadow side of that

have been thinking.

and today,  a degree of nightmare,  the Old Cowboy having 

fallen

last night.  His neighbor who goes over to "tuck him in" found him on the floor.  Fallen.  on the floor.  He didn't call me,  i don't know why,  so i found out about it this morning when i showed up.

So,….so…Stuff has moved into a different realm now.  

A day of frantic calling to voice mails for anyone who might be willing to help and no answers back and on and on and i am cancelling my work for the day and just staying there because there was no alternative but it drawing closer and closer to 3 oclock when the Goats have been "tuned" to pellets and rely on me,  rely on me,  rely on me and rely on me

and

and well…so much.

really, so much.  While i was sitting there and the Old Cowboy snoozing in his hospital bed,  and it nearing nearing nearing 3 oclock when i am THERE for these Goats,  and thinking….Goats/a person….who gets it?  Who gets what is necessary and i couldn't LEAVE but also i couldn't STAY

and no one, NO ONE was calling back who might Relieve me until suddenly i got through to BE LovEd  Eddy who said ok and yes…he would come.  and he did.  and i was able to come HOME,  some late,  but still

HOME

and i was hit flat in the face about how much i am coupled with HOME,  with the necessity here and Tay,  having been patient for her own limit shoves her face into my lap and EXHALES a HUGH exhale because i am finally Here

WHAT IS ALL THIS??????????????????????????????????????????????

WHAT IS IT?

 

IMG_4062f

the first of the Yellow Hots…Weda's.  that's phonetic…weda…Wedo…spanish  for light,  "blondie" light skinned.  I would be called Wedda..phonetic,  blondie.  The first Pepper.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

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43 responses to “tears”

  1. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    Home is sanctuary; the place where the moment you step inside, your skin rearranges itself to accommodate that sense of the deep exhale,the place where your body and soul just breathe.
    Given what you have just written here, is there no one who can come and feed the goats for a few afternoons until things get sorted out with OCB? How about one of the children of the chicken guy? Or one of Bill’s students? Could Kelly help you out for a little while although I don’t know how far away she lives from you.
    Getting someone to help OCB well that’s another thing but maybe his fall will change his mind about having Eddy stay in the evenings? How is Hospice helping you to help him?

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  2. grace Avatar
    grace

    Marti.
    it does. skin rearranges and we breathe. So So So much, this is true.
    No. there is no one who will come and feed Goats. How amazing is that? because i would PAY?, but no. for their own reasons, no.
    So i am Stuck. Stuck. ok.
    today OCB and i talked. Eddy. We NEED Eddy. like really need. On my end, really really really need.
    OCB his end thinking that I might change and provide.
    But NO. I can’t.
    so we head into the hinterland.
    Hospice. Well…once again, it’s two fold. They HELP, enormously. BUT the exchange is that you get twenty four hour help. So, that’s where we are. Facing this. Ok. and Ok.

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  3. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    No easy answers … just hope

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  4. grace Avatar
    grace

    that’s EXACTLY IT. no
    easy
    answers.
    none. And then, so, how does Hope
    come in?

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  5. grace Avatar
    grace

    so, i just now ate a piece of Pie.
    there is Pie. Pie.

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  6. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    Okay……sometimes LIE is the truth…..tell OCB you had a dream and his Mother came running from a long distance and woke you (in the dream) to say…..tell him his father wants him to use the money NOW. Tell him she was desperate and you woke up crying.
    Meanwhile-thank goodness for PIE.

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  7. Cindy from Georgia Avatar
    Cindy from Georgia

    …and I ate Twix bars today. there is hope, Grace. luv u and thinking of u, Cindy 🙂

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  8. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    Here’s interviews with two amazing people
    a palliative care doctor
    http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/healthreport/palliative-care/3392274
    &
    a film maker talking about his film “Love in Our Own Time”
    http://loveinourowntime.com/stories/#.VcA9j0XfDgJ

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  9. Mo Crow Avatar
    Mo Crow

    read Frank Brennan’s stories in the link above to the film, his stories go deep and give hope

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  10. yvette Avatar
    yvette

    Follow your heart Grace, not your mind.
    What’s your real commitment?
    Mind or public opinion will say human before animals
    And your heart?

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  11. Nanette Avatar
    Nanette

    I would be torn, so torn, but I would so want to be home with my animals. I hear/enjoy that same doggy exhale when I’ve been gone awhile, such a patient, relieved sound. Then there’s the getting old, big chicken who waits for me to lift on her roost with the others……I want to be Home for these things. But then…OCB needs you too..or someone other than you for when you can’t be there….my story doesn’t help except to say I understand the dilemma. There’s a way that hasn’t been thought of yet, or hasn’t been accepted yet… Love, much love and whatever else you need.. X

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  12. dee Avatar
    dee

    it’s a dark thundery morning and I am so enclosed by and held by : home.
    maybe the fall is a gift, Grace. Because it makes clear that your sense of what the OCB needs is perhaps more important at this point than what he thinks he needs (and we’re not even getting to what YOU need, which is to be home at certain times, tending to others and self THERE)…
    didn’t you say you have POA? If so, and if it’s unlimited, YOU can write the checks. Boom. Done.

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  13. julie Avatar
    julie

    In the novel Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,a young boy trying to cope with the loss of his father on Sept 11 refers to moments when he has “Heavy Boots.” You ask ‘what is this’ and I think it is Heavy Boots. Slogging through stuff that can swallow you up. When you get Home, you get to be barefoot. And I know how you love that.

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  14. patriciaspangler47@gmail.com Avatar
    patriciaspangler47@gmail.com

    this must be how it goes–these things that happen as end-of-life issues present events that were perhaps not anticipated. but these events are markers for you to read. OCB may not want a caregiver at night and may continue to fall and then may break a hip or something else and then may have to go into the hospital for a while, or not. and it’s all such a juggling act for the caregiver wanting to honor the person’s wishes and respect their humanity. and then there is you and the goats. so what to do to meet everyone’s needs while still being true to yourself? he may not want a night caregiver but … he may need one and is just being stubborn about parting with his $? I don’t know. But I have been through this with my mother who lingered for 5 years like this. So all I’m saying is–
    i–we–have your back. lean into it.

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  15. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Apple pie is one of my favorite breakfast foods … just sayin’

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  16. dee Avatar
    dee

    agreed. stoicism is for the birds. flow and renewal and caregiving in balance, more like.

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  17. Hermosa Beth Avatar
    Hermosa Beth

    Patricia and Dee (and really everyone)speak so well.
    Grace, it is just hard sorting and resorting again and again just what to do because things are always shifting/changing. Boundaries. It is well to know there are boundaries. For OCB who wants things just so AND for you who needs to care for other’s Lifes much less your own. Dee’s reminder of you having POA is a strong one.
    You are so beautiful, Grace
    Hermosa

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  18. beth Avatar
    beth

    ((( Grace ))) I am breathing with you.

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  19. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    When you get home tonight, go out and look at your first yellow hot. Think of how good it will taste with a bit of butter in your cast iron little skillet, butter swirling around, the sizzle of the pepper as it hits the butter, the aroma of frying pepper, the taste, the glorious taste…I give this to you as a memory that Rich and I had when we came to eat with you one time…we had your delicious spaghetti, a great salad and then as a surprise, the yellow hots, some were spicy,the one that Rich got that he loved, others were not so spicy, mine but it all was a moment suspended in time with the flavor of being together…

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  20. jude Avatar
    jude

    hey
    http://spiritcloth.typepad.com/spirit_cloth/2015/08/moonshadow.html

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  21. Micael Avatar
    Micael

    The OCB wants to die at home – and because of you, this seems quite possible. You have connected him with Hospice, created a living space for him that more or less works, and look in on him with care and loyalty. However, this decision comes with consequences. One person can’t manage all that he needs to stay home now. He might not want to spend money on a night caregiver, but given the other option is getting placed somewhere, for him it is the lesser of evils. Even if he doesn’t understand that staying in his home means a night nurse, you do. And he has given you the power to think for him when he can no longer think for himself. It sounds like he is at that point now. You can use the POA he’s given you to do what he needs without your having to carry the full load yourself. He will grouse, but he does that anyway. It’s his way in the world. As the I Ching says, No blame.
    May you have peace. May you be at ease.

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  22. grace Avatar
    grace

    to feel like someone says
    i see you.
    i know you.
    this is the Greatest thing.

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  23. Michelle in NYC Avatar
    Michelle in NYC

    PS (the next evening) I realized too late that the music video I sent you was the wrong one (though I love it, it contains the end word “God” because the singer uses it in the normal ‘Christian’ way–I use the term to mean the force in all life). Anyway, I meant to send this six and a half minute Evensong for relaxation and beautiful world views visually https://youtu.be/75a5vvFtxbo

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  24. Cindy from Georgia Avatar
    Cindy from Georgia

    thank you. beautiful palliative care words: “on a late afternoon in May this room had become the world… I wept for their love, I wept for all the patients, on all the days and for the sadness of leaving.” So like Daddy’s passing… driving home we saw rain and sun and rainbow bejeweling the landscape and it was like seeing everything for the first time.

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  25. grace Avatar
    grace

    Cindy…ahhh and oh, eeee, Twix bars. mmmmmm
    when the pie is gone………

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  26. grace Avatar
    grace

    breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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  27. grace Avatar
    grace

    Michelle…i suppose, but i can’t. I cannot lie, or even
    embellish the truth. or what the Catholics call the sin of
    omission.
    i’m stuck with my Self. and just the naked truth.

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  28. grace Avatar
    grace

    maybe i can read these tonight/listen…it’s Wednesday

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  29. grace Avatar
    grace

    the sadness of leaving
    i can understand this so well…the sadness of leaving…i will be
    feeling this too…not in the too distant future…this
    sadness of leaving

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  30. grace Avatar
    grace

    heart says no difference. BOTH.
    real commitment?…BOTH.

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  31. grace Avatar
    grace

    yes. there is such DEEP RELIEF in that exhale….from a Being
    that loves so intensely Cross Species…it’s HUGE
    your story DOES DOES DOES help because you have similar Heart,
    so that you Know, this so much DOES help

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  32. grace Avatar
    grace

    am very much looking at OWN need, in terms of conversation with
    Wendy…Stoic…Martyr…Shadow Side
    Today, Wednesday, 3 care givers are in place. I am just
    extra. I am frosting on a sad cake.

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  33. grace Avatar
    grace

    i love this, Julie
    but i want to slog barefoot.
    Love the word
    slog
    i want to slog
    barefoot

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  34. grace Avatar
    grace

    i so know that this is a story that is in COMMON with many.
    How we work it gives Us all stamina for the long haul.

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  35. grace Avatar
    grace

    stoicism can be inborn

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  36. grace Avatar
    grace

    “much less your own”
    we have lives equal. Me, him, other Beings. No more, No less
    THANK YOU, Hermosa for giving your words, your Energy…Thank YOU.

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  37. grace Avatar
    grace

    don’t stop

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  38. grace Avatar
    grace

    it’s so amazing to me that you remember this….I never would have,
    but with your words, i do

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  39. grace Avatar
    grace

    Micael…DEEP thanks for the support of these words. DEEP.
    and yes… I Ching….No Blame.
    just those two words….how BeautyFull…no blame.
    oh…Thank You for this…

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  40. dee Avatar
    dee

    so glad to hear… assuming this frees you to attend to your own need, including looking at Shadow?

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  41. grace Avatar
    grace

    i love what Ever you send
    and i love You…

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  42. dee Avatar
    dee

    well, it’s still for the birds if it trips you up

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  43. grace Avatar
    grace

    dee. yes. soon now. but For Sure. Looking at Shadow.
    it’s past time, but who can know?,
    attending to Shadow. Like this though, very very much.

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