the turtle rock has changed a lot this year…it's "shell" is steadily eroding away. Here, it holds down the lid of the big enamel walnut pot
garlic chives
6 blossom pods on the Datura that i tried to eradicate
Caroline
clearly requesting a moment to Share Breath
tomatoes that simply Are. that simply stay the same. this has never happened before.
On Jude's Spirit Cloth blog today, she said this:
"….sometimes simply being right where you are is so beautyful and a simple going is, becomes, the path itself. And you feel joy."
and a comment from Geri deGruy repeated those words…..i clicked her name
Geri deGruy you can google her, or geridegruy.com/blog her 9~1~15 Post met me there……….. Were All Going to Die and i was so incredibly grateful for her words there….nothing dramatic, simply very thought FULL and Honest wonderings and also no apologies for the subject matter.
I think about the Old Cowboy really, all the time. He is just in my mind. Day and Night. I watch as he goes back and forth from trying to giving up. Yesterday he was softly quiet. Some small exchanges, but quiet and small. He is at the threshhold and there is no option to go back, to change anything, yet he also cannot go forward. He is in a limbo world.
I watch. and think how for so long now, years, he has said he is not afraid of dying, how he wanted to die in his own home and he held me to the promise to ensure that. Little did we know that dying is such a phenomenon that has its own timing that no one can understand. Off and on his Mind goes and he is not Present. But then he returns, like yesterday, asking me how the economy is going. Spiritually, he is, as he always has been, a blank. He had and still has no interest or capacity to Imagine. So he spends day after day at the Threshhold, empty but for his nightmares and worries about money. As i watch this, really, Experience this with him, i of course think of my self. What will i have?, when reaching a point when my physical body is in charge? I say he has not done his homework. I imagine my self as having done and doing the home work…but what if i Have, and yet my physical body continues? It was so, too, for Alz B. I have no answers. None.
But somehow reading Jude's words….referencing Joy and then finding and being so grateful for Geri's honesty….I thought that maybe, at that Time, remembering one's Joys might be useful. That somehow those Joys might allow the Flight. I do have some kind of sureness that we come back, to Begin Again. So maybe these Joys would help in faith that we can continue to Become. ?????
So maybe it's just to comfort self in these days that weigh heavy, maybe just that. Or whatever. But it occured to me to stitch up a knapsack. The image that came to mind was of the Rider Waite image of the Fool Card*. The figure with the knapsack on a stick over the shoulder, accompanied by the dog, blithly stepping to the edge of the precipice….one more step away…………… *Tarot
and i think i will. stitch this knapsack. and begin putting Joys in it. Most likely just the small drawings i make. maybe a word or two? maybe very small scraps of cloth that i love? just uhhhh, hmmm, what is the word i want?, maybe just keys that can set full imaging free?? and if i find myself at that point where i don't seem to be able to go forward, maybe this will help. In case i end up not being able to remember i did this, i will tell the granddaughter Alyssia about the knapsack.
as i lie on my back on the futon couch this afternoon, intending to take a short nap, i found my self with my hands on my stomach…feeling the soft roundness of it….and i think i want to make the knapsack the size that can cover this space. It will need to be soft. have a drawstring. easily opened so i can just put a hand inside and pull a Joy out, to look at. Maybe Remember. Maybe just Wonder about.
I like this.
a small piece of paper in that sack might say: Shelter Cloth and i might remember this cloth that i am so so Loving….
Can you see at the top, under the Storm Sky, the oh so so vague blue on the left and the sun color on the right?
these colors are with Inktense. they are absolutely exactly what i had hoped they might be.
This Cloth is a Joy.
and now, just at Dusk
what might i put in the knapsack for THIS??????
windthread 
Leave a comment