windthread

tomato seeds

The Tower.   Mushroom.   Herbcrafters Tarot.  " a tree crashes in a dark wood into a bed of brown, gold and green leaves.  A large decaying piece of the trunk is covered with mushrooms.   When the wood is touched,  it gives way,  crumbling to dust.  Light shines through the forest and hits the log,  illuminating the vibrant colors of the mushrooms"     "Write about the tragedy you are facing,  bury the writing beneath a decaying mushroom log."

To remember.   This card was chosen,  face up,  with intention of some sort.  All the Major Arcana spread and all equally available.   Which "called"….which had magnetism?    There was no question.   

So….no tragedy.   Even initially,  when i thought it was referencing the condition of the World here in this America,  which has yet to reach a point of what that word brings….tragedy…..we move toward it but are not there yet.      So.   To then realize that this card refers to some personal sense.  And again.   not tragedy,   but  a lost kind of sadness,   that thing Buddhists call duhkha.   To look there then,   in understanding the draw to this Card.     

I woke in the night to wide awake wondering what i had written.   Go look…..??????????????    What?   

and i gave up and went back to lie down and breathe self back to sleep.   This morning i woke to look again.   is this bullshit or real?    What's going on here?   But it's real.   Dissolution rather than crash.   i'm ready to be done with it.   I thought about what i know about Art and the making of Art and my lifelong pull to that.   I wanted to arrive at some resolution.   So  i thought about those i KNOW who are artists.   Jude.   Mo.   Judy Martin.    What stands out?    What stands out is their Devotion.   Every day is about their Art.   Every Day.    So i sat with that a long time.  Looking.   and saw that i have Never given that kind of devotion.  I am a sometimes person.  So i sat with that.   I am a sometimes person.      All this is nothing new.  But it's time for that Tower to fall.  That imagined Achievement to dissolve.   Go.   to become just the love of doing.  For nothing in particular.

today a world of  Maybes opens.  All moving in a flow of Equal Value.    Maybe i will sew something.  Maybe i will draw a leaf.   Maybe i will tend  a Garden.  Maybe I will walk with Goats.   Maybe i will cook.   There are zillion maybes.

i cooked.   Alyssia has found  Imperfect Foods.com.    it's like a strange CSA.   She has excess and brings it to me.  Cauliflower.  I cooked Aloo Gobi Matar.   I don't have all the individual spices so had to fake it,  which took time.  But i faked it and it was FINE and it was just so much OK.   and i was

happy.

and then,

i sewed.   I sewed this small cloth.   an old linen with just a harem cloth backing.   a cloth for just Holding.    And it was very much Enough and Fine and Good.   As the whole day was.    very much Enough and Fine and Good.   A sense of FREEDOM from self imposed Expectations,   Demands about how i should live.   Self imposed.  Am done with that.   Free.