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i don’t even know

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stuff glued to a piece of cardboard  20 or 30 years ago,  i don't even know.   if there were words for today they would be

i don't even know

here i am in California.   because of circumstance,  i need plantlets.   Last year and the 3 prior Jenny brought them,  some by some,  but this year…circumstance…….i'm on my own.  Which means many things,  on my own.   I don't think i have the  wherewithall   to try to put it here,  what that means….too many words.   

anyway,    Home Depot has supplied the starts  in years before.  Some did great.  Some,  the tomatoes,  not,  but ok enough.  I need a greenhouse thing.   or…be ok with ok enough.   and i see today it's up to me.     Hey grace…..

so i needed to get to Home Depot.   eeee.   streets here are wierd,  they wander and change names.    abruptly.   i have never been able to get any sense of direction…everything to me feels South.  But i thought,  ok   just go.  Go to somewhere in town you know.  and i chose the post office.  ok.  type in Home Depot on the phone….directions….and that'll do it.   It didn't.  I drove around for a while and got no where because the names of the streets have absolutely no meaning to me but then,  all of a sudden,   the phone lady started talking.

and she told me Everything and i got to Home Depot and i got plants,  not what i would have dreamed of but….plants.   Little pots of

plants.   dear them  

and this is day two ,  so Alyssia came at 5 oclock and we did Sunny Ray.   As best we could.   It didn't go well.  We were supposed to repack the wound.   it's a very different thing,  an anesthetized Goat and a Goat in pain   we brought all kinds of things…shredded carrots,  crunchy vegetable strips,  saltines,  even i tried Raisin i Bran cereal  all of which he thought were great but he kept really wanting alfalfa pellets which are not good for him,  but we gave them to him in order to get his leg   COVERED well enough…  we need a new plan.    She does the dressing.   I hang on to his horns,   backing him into the wall of the Curry House.  He struggles.  Sometimes i hang on.  Sometimes he pulls free.  Over and over we go.  Till we get it done.  We need a new plan.

so anyway i came home in the some moments,  i shuffled through  things and came to the image above that is 

loving

how we can't know.  Anything,  really.  We just Go.    ………..   yes.   we just go.

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26 responses to “i don’t even know”

  1. jaime Avatar
    jaime

    Is Sunny Ray still getting pain medication? In nursing you learn to premedicate before the dressing changes – usually about 30 minutes beforehand. It helps to dull the pain and makes dressing changes less uncomfortable. Sometimes the Dr. will write for an extra dose of pain meds specifically for that purpose.
    Scritch, scritch, scritch. With children there were a few tricks I learned. Sing to them. Whatever they like. Whatever you like. Blow on their nose (that was dogs but works with cats too). Back to kids – a little girl who had gotten weekly injections for Rheumatoid Arthritis needed to scream before she got her shot. It was a control thing. Whatever works. look Sunny Ray in the eyes and tell him you are with him no matter what. Tell Sunny Ray I love him and will be with you and him as you go through this . And it doesn’t last forever. Good job! two days down.

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  2. jude Avatar
    jude

    on your own. I think a lot about that.
    a lot.
    a green house thing to stat seeds?

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  3. Liz A Avatar
    Liz A

    it struck me how much yellow and blue are in this piece … how it could have been made recently … the robe of liberation
    I have never been “on my own” … went from daughter to wife while still in college … I wonder sometimes

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  4. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    I read and let out a big Big sigh … such a day! Grace how you are able to just go and go and go. How you are able to bring me from here to there with your words. From here to there I am sending you hugs and love. The painting with the fireflies .. it is absolutely fantastic 😍

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  5. Joanne in Maine Avatar
    Joanne in Maine

    With the big Lab- I would press my body onto his as we changed dressings and applied medicines. and I would talk into his ear. Softly. Letting him know what we did and when we would stop. goats seem as smart or more so than dogs??? it might work for Sunny. and a bit of Benadryl before. I checked with Vet- one or two pills was fine about a half hour before……..

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  6. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    What worries me is that while you are very strong, still, you are a tiny woman and holding Sunny Ray when he is in pain, is a lot to handle- poor him…
    You lived for many, many years in New Mexico and could find you way every where with your eyes closed as well as having people you could call who would come when needed. You have not lived all that long in California and due to Covid, just recently have been getting out and about…I want to say that in time, you may make some good and helpful connections, at least I hope it will be so.

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  7. CatherinE Avatar
    CatherinE

    A meditation teacher of mine said “Vastness can help us.” I liked it so much I wrote it down. I have a poor setup for starting seeds, but I still try. Luckily we have a guy in the area who is much better at it, so I can buy seedlings from him. I hope there’s something that works better for Sunny Ray’s treatment.

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  8. Beth Avatar
    Beth

    (((grace))) I feel all this deeply. And I feel your strength. I guess we just go until we can’t any more.

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  9. Irene Avatar
    Irene

    I have been in my small town for a year now, and I still have problems navigating the streets. I feel like I don’t quite belong, yet the high desert calls—all the plant people, the critters, the hills. I am at peace much of the time.

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  10. Margery Avatar
    Margery

    Sending love to you, Grace, as you go along. May you continue to walk in beauty.

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  11. Nancy Avatar
    Nancy

    Grace ~ sending love and strength and patience for all that needs to come. May you continue to go in peace. That ‘alone’ thing is a whole other bread. I think of it a lot, for I too have not been completely alone…or on my own, ever. xoxo

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  12. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    and it doesn’t last forever.
    and it doesn’t last forever.
    i love all you sent here, whatever might work, try it out, whatever.
    Yesterday, i ended up holding his head inbetween my thighs, softly but firmly while hanging on to his horns…i worry about Alyssia’s face as she concentrates on wrapping the bandage, him wanting to be free, his horns.. i kept saying, I love you Ray, i love you. She hums.

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  13. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yeah…changing the dog kennel into a greenhouse. it could happen.

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  14. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    the yellow and blue…i didn’t realize until today…and
    reading your words here…
    i prefer on my own. things are simple. but here…
    there’s a lot to consider a lot that isn’t how simple i would have it be if i were truly on my own. i wouldn’t be in California.

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  15. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Tina…you are HERE. everyday…the Tina quilt makes it easy, but you…you make it easy

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  16. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    dogs and goats are very different. but the pressing of the body…that’s the same.
    i ended up doing that, and we accomplished. Will think it through before the next time.
    He still gets his Gabapentin every day. and Goats…they
    have those complicated multiple stomachs…we will ask the
    vet

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  17. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s so different here.
    it’s a City, not a town for one. But it’s not New Mex where everyone thinks of themselves as Familia.
    i don’t think it’s going to change much. i don’t have time and space in how i want to live to make that happen. I just need to know how to get around. Pretty much that’s it. Maybe just the phone Lady.

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  18. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i know that there must be people/places for seedlings. I just need to make the effort.
    also…we talk of making a greenhouse of the large dog kennel i bought that just sits there, doing nothing.
    this little Tin house…no heat, no windowsills. no electricity.
    i wear
    the universal teaching
    i love that
    i wear
    the universal teaching

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  19. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i LIKE
    that i can do it…that i can hang on to his horns, keeping his head steady….mostly…
    it’s just how it is. i can still do it. no biggy.
    sometime, i won’t be able to. and well….

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  20. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s the EARTH, yes.
    here, i am HOME on this Hill. This Hill says “Learn Me”.
    i don’t think i will ever “belong” ….out there….in the small city…it’s not a town…rather a small city and it’s California. and really, i don’t need to. the energy so different from New Mexico. But neither place is heaven.

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  21. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    there is Beauty available. always. yes. to choose to walk in it

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  22. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    i am grateful for knowing being alone.
    i think of those
    who haven’t needed to. Good to practice in some way as it goes. For women, it happens.

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  23. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    I was on my own from 1965, in college, until I married in 1970. Growing up we never had a car so I never learned to drive. My young husband had me go to driving school and I learned but still depended a lot on him since I don’t like to drive all that much.
    Had unexpected but very valuable practice in being alone when he had heart surgery 9n 2020 and was in the hospital for 13 days and all of this took place during Covid. Luckily I had a car and could drive but very iffy for me driving on the freeway so I made a map and learned to navigate side streets to get to the VA hospital in Albuquerque…those 13 days told me that I could take care of things on my own and take care of myself…

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  24. Joanne in Maine Avatar
    Joanne in Maine

    I had to do the same when my husband had his heart attack and surgery. I had a neighbor drive me to the hospital that first day. With a note pad writing down the directions and colors of buildings and which lane to be in etc. Next day I did it by myself. And the 10 days after. The days after I learned to empty the drip container, change dressings- fainted the first time–and eventually had a little Nurse’s Station set up. Got home from work and started sterilizing stuff. His chest stitches opened. I had to learn to pack this silver webbing into it. Sigh…….and then tend to the dog. Now…I know I can do most anything- just take it in small pieces.

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  25. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Jaime…this is now Tuesday…the 19th…
    Yes. he gets Gabapentin…half tab…so, 300 mg every morning. Yesterday…for the Try Again Day, i did give him an extra half tab an hour before. We laughed…didn’t
    touch him as far as feeling cooperative….
    some of it’s pain i’m sure, but some is just how Goats are about being REQUIRED to do things.
    i put my cheek against his and talk to him that way,,,we
    breathe on eachother, he likes that (some)
    i will tell him.
    it doesn’t last forever…i will tell him that too.
    Love to you

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  26. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes…to start seeds. From the unused big dog kennel.
    6ft tall. it would work. We need to move it.

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