windthread

i need to give the remaining days of this month to………….what can i call it?……..positioning mySelf?   maybe.   But to  Questioning.  or,  Looking more closely at where i am so far so that some good Questions might arise?    And it very well may be that it might not be       Pretty    or    lighthearted     or   any kind of Fun.   So you might want to skip it till February.    I want to take things down closer to the bone.  Let go of familiar stories that i have and do rely on.  Seeing if they  hold true or just make things seem easier.  My propensity for procrastination….i'll think about that ………later    And in keeping with this,  in her email before each Gathering….this being before yesterday's Gathering,  Wendy said    "  questions become the delight,  not the answers.  What blooms is often the alchemy of suffering and joy.  We shall see what that looks like for each of you."

Again,  what the Gathering gives me to carry forward  ,     is the work of  Radical Acceptance and now,  rippling into the Sacred Pause.   There is much more,  but these are easiest to give words to in this moment.      and,  examples:    Last night,  at 8 something oclock,   a SOUND out there…not expected,  and so  for a few times,  confusing,  but then  ….  Goat.   Distress.      I have thought all my life about dying,  my sister having died when i was 7 years old.  I've read a lot,  thought a lot,  Lived a lot…? about dying and am pretty ok in it all.   Pretty ok.   What does that mean?,  pretty ok.?   And that was the Question last night.   i'd taken rice straw bedding over to put under the house where OOna had chosen to be her sleeping camp….which was a surprise,  but wise on her part…,  Rain,  and cold,   so i  put the bedding after she was up and coming for her separate feeding.    Later in the day as i passed by i looked and Lo and Behold,  there was…not OOna in there,  but Arctica…!? and i worried that she wouldn't  allow OOna to come in.  Knowing there was no way to control any of that,  there was still the nagging concern of What Now for OOna but when i went out to Feed in the morning yesterday……they were BOTH there….the warmth of their bodies in the straw and i was so Happy to see this,  surprised….but then           at the Evening Feed….no OOna…and i let it go again….Out of my Control and just left her food there        and then…..that calling in the dark.    It was time.   I can go on about this.   It was over 2 hours.   I tried to find where it was coming from but the battery in the Fat Max flashlight was weak and when i went out,  the calling would always stop and walking around in the dark in the Doe Forest is not wise and i finally had to just face it.  I could hear my heart beating in my ears       and i KNEW there was nothing i could do             And Mind worked hard but i realized  there is way more work to do about

death

today i went to Alyssia's  for the kids to have their  Christmas with Emrie and Julian back.   The hug from Emrie was LONG and SOLID,  a kind of Force Field in it,  from it.   so much going on and i thought about my feelings re her coming back….how i'd realized that WHY i wanted her back so much was partly because there are things i want her to know…about how we live.  Why we live this way.   And it's TIME for more Thoughtful Effort on my part…to not take her for granted…..take our time together for granted  

so these kinds of things.   That's where i am right now,   where i'll be in these next days of January.   February will be here soon enough,  more Light,  less Rain,  warmth       the beginning of the Garden Season,  season of Creating,    and i'm guessing there will be cloth too.

and then…the thing of Prayer.   What about it.   That little saucer bowl in the pic.   I want to put little pieces of paper in it with just a few words…kinda like the fortunes in Chinese Cookies….         They will spill over.     I think about Nancy's posts…Pomegranate Trail,  where she always ends with her    "May you…." s        My prayers are kinda  like that.   May you   May I   May We   May the planet        I want to understand more of this,   take some time.