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totem

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it's been uncomfortable for some days now….in such an odd way…….           almost difficult to think about…no way to think it.   Because partly of their perfect timing,    the Salzberg and Tolle practices are         working.      i am quiet.    and when i become NOT quiet it is easy to settle .    the strong sense that this will become more and more so.       so      Finding self wondering….Now What?     realizing so clearly all the Things that have    uhhhhh,    inhabited   my life,  made up my life.   The Doings.    What  IS there,  who am i  with out the Doings?    

it was intense last night….that sense of     nothing    and just before sleep,   i clicked in to YouTube and what awaited me there?

Eckhart Tolle Meditation :   Becoming comfortable with nothing happening.

So i slept.    Woke early this morning,  earlier than needed so there was time for a Little Sleep.    I dreamed that creek of my childhood…..i watched the oh so loved caddisfly larvae  with their intricate body shelters made of all manner of  leaf debris, tiny tiny sticks,thin as a line of a pencil,   grains of sand…these portable  shelters   in the glimmer and sway  of the sway of the creek as they lived

my totem spirits     because it's time.        and i drew the pic above.   All my stuff    cloth needle thread books string trinkets paper pencils all manner of beautiful things     creating my Life Shelter as i grew  through the years

  then i thought how i'd gotten to the 77  year  and how this new time of 78 feels different.   I think i am the eldest of Us that come here?    Is that true?    maybe this is common?   i don't know.   but it seems to be a real and true Shift.      and somehow all this makes sense.   

I feel at ease.      i think how i'd wanted a Therapy Group for Help with letting go of those life long aspirations…hopes….that couldn't seem to  come   true……and today this sense of Ease.   that        that angst was just the gateway to realizing  things about the authentic becoming that a life can be ;  and i don't have better words for that now and maybe i won't,  but i have the  Felt Sense of it   and that's enough  in this moment.   Enough for     Now.

 

a YouTube     the Underwater Life of the Caddisfly       Cahaba River Society             there are many.  This is short and Sweet.

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6 responses to “totem”

  1. Marti Avatar
    Marti

    Becoming at ease with the now; a lesson that has taken me many years to understand and even at times, I fall short. How trail markers are present if we open ourselves. Let me explain:
    Many years ago, you and I and Nancy D began an exploration of Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, Awakening to Life’s Purpose. This book was a revelation to me because purpose had always been a driven word, a word that implied control, focused direction, etc. and as an anal Virgo, it was how I pretty much lived my life. Many years later, at this time in my life, I am right behind you at 76, what I have come to know and what unforeseen life circumstances have taught me, is that all we have is one day at a time so to be fully present in each day, is my purpose. While I may have agendas, they flow, for the most part, rather than are etched in stone and if not fully realized, there is always tomorrow. To be able to greet each day with quiet joy and await what presents, to be able to at times, dance around the apple tree as the day begins, to be able to accept that I am who I am, warts and all, is to fully embrace this elder time of deep knowing that comes dancing up from the belly to the light of day and most of all, it is enough.
    On a side note yesterday I watched a somewhat old snippet of a program on PBS, a short film series on the Hawaiian islands titled Pacific Heartbeat. The segment was titled, Hawai’i’s Precious Resources: Quoting from the website episode:” Three short films that explore the delicate balance in Hawai‘i’s ecosystems, that encourage us to reflect on our relationship with the natural world and show us that even the smallest species, like Hawaiian tree snails, and ornamental trees, like the coconut, are worth saving.”
    Why do I put this here: It is because of 2 words: Aina, the Hawaiian word for land and Kumu, the Hawaiian word for teacher. In the episode that I watched, the narrator simply said that Kumu, the teacher, was trees. For many of us, we turn to books, professionals, experts, etc. for guidance and that is just fine but we can also find other guides and helpers. If we open ourselves to the Earth, we learn so much from the land, the seasons, the resilience and strength of trees and that sense of connection filled my heart with understanding and a profound sense of gratitude.

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  2. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    https://emergencemagazine.org/interview/earth-as-koan-earth-as-self/
    Dear Grace I have spent the last hour sewing and listening to this podcast shared on gemtactics blog. Listening to Susan Murphy Roshi overwhelmed me with thoughts of you and what you shared here this morning .. took me back to so many of your thoughts that you’ve shared here over time. I don’t believe you’d be disappointed if you found the time to give it a listen. After which what I wouldn’t give to share a cup of tea with you sharing our thoughts about what we’ve just heard. Gentle hugs Grace .. I love you !!

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  3. Joanne in Maine Avatar
    Joanne in Maine

    I am 77.5 to your 78. there is something about this age….the letting go, the being open to new. especially now after husband’s death. Many boxes have gone to Goodwill….letting go of material things and keeping books, paper, journals. Eating less and less interested in food. A book each day. Tea. Fruit. and then a very , most excellent sleep…….it all feels good.

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  4. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    Marti…there’s SO MUCH in your response here and
    i’ve read and re read…..
    and it’s just that it’s Everything. Everything is about
    Everything ……………

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  5. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    am so glad you respond to this…..i did listen….there’s so much, i need to listen again
    and yes….and we could….we could do it with the phone….

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  6. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    am glad that it feels good.
    our circumstance differes and the only other thing….I EAT ! Cook.
    a Lot. Love cooking. Love FOOD

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