windthread

i lost any.    empty.   done.   Evening feed time and tho the trusty weather app said Pause,   it was

raining.

i stood there and thought     I'm DONE with this.   Just Done.    So i just went anyway,  through the rain and emptied the feed tubs of the accumulation of water from the day,   filled the pellet pitchers and did the thing.   Rain let up.   Dropped down the dry hay.   Did the thing for Sunny Ray and then on down for Jack Flash.   But it felt so DONE.   with    it all.    i came back up and hung the wet rain jacket up on the shower curtain thing,  took off my boots.   Tuned in to Snoop Dogg's Affirmation for Kids   smiled,   have had a crush on him for a long time,   but i am still done.    As i write this,  it pours again.    What does that mean,

i'm done?

nothing.   other than i quit for today.  Sleep.  Dream.   wake and slog on.

last week?  or two?  when i brought things up   from the storage tubs at B Garden,  this came.     It's about 3 " tall and at the widest part maybe  l  l/4" wide.   Little.   I grew it and ones like it in New Mex.  Larger ones.   All sizes.   I drew and painted on them.  Sold them at markets and through shops for awhile.  painted with oil paints…drew with colored pencil blended with turpentine.    Was looking at it this morning and thought…shelter.   and then because WIND was crazy OutSide,   thought

shelter from the storm     then  the word thought    ……    come in,  he said.  i'll give you

 ……    and thought where is that from???????  and then it all came through.        Come in,  she said,  i'll give ya    shelter from the storm     and the harmonica     and i went to UTube   and Dylan sang me.   

and it is just such a perfect example how it seems to me that every single thing we see,  touch,  feel,  smell,  hear,  in our lives remains inside us and is there,   on that internal rolodex,  just waiting for it's moment to rise up again to emphasize any random moment  …… just Because.   and what is ?

just Because

i am a little crazy with this RAIN.   Beginning tomorrow,  it is forecast to lessen,  incrementally,  for the next couple weeks???

on road down yesterday,  infront of B Garden.  about 6 inches across

i ate a continuous bowl of left over Pho,  very! spicy,  that Jenny had brought Wednesday.  it helped.  i need more.   In the 20 minutes or so of no rain around the 4 oclock feed,    cleared my little drain canal i'd built next to the Feed Shed.   Tonight the Tree Frogs that had been primarily down behind Jack Flash and Nogal's Places have multiplied.   Now,  in all directions.  Thick Fog.   

Carefree Way.   it was a little river.

searched Chogyam Trungpa on UTube   found this.    Crazy Wisdom:  The Life and Times of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche   Full Documentary.   In our wandering free association ,  me and Alyssia,   often enough i say things about having come of age in the 60's,  how it was so Beauty Full a time,  so energized by possibility  …Change.   culture,  politics.   the world.   She is very aware and "educated" about my generation…on into how we squandered those days.   and chose instead what has led us to this place we find ourselves today.   She will watch it.   One of the books on her bookshelf in her bedroom,   the part that is my library,  is Shambhala Sacred Path of the Warrior  wherein lies that thing about Basic Goodness.   

and the thought…squander.  squandered.   saying…i squandered my life.   But then…did I?   i have    Her.   I have Emrie.   I have this Hill world.    

the Owls are back tonight and some other being whose voice i cannot identify,  have never heard before …a kind of a deep sqwak…as loud as the owl….????   And the Tree Frogs.   so many of them.   This night of one day of Sun is so active.  Rain returns tomorrow.

Crazy Wisdom:  The Life and Times of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche    Full Documentary       UTube

and on…with Staying Power.   and about  "Belief".   it's not the word.   and how it's all to do with  Reciprocity that is simply There.  Available.   We open to it in so many different ways and i thought today how all are valid,  all are Real…so many paths,  all Real .  To just lean in,  then,   to what  lights up in a particular  space in time.    I thought today about Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche,  Shambhala:  the Sacred Path of the Warrior.   warrior,  panu in Tibetan…one who is brave.   How so many years ago he taught me about The Ground of Basic Goodness.  Today i lean into this.   And the pieces of cloth showed me how it looks.  

 

turkey tail

the sensitivity….no matter how careful i am,   the page disappears.   so.   we'll see.   please know tho,  that if i am squashed by a falling tree or swept away by Wind,   Alyssia would come at some point and tell you that.   Do not be alarmed.  All is always well,  in its own way.

i want to pause here.   there was so much to say yesterday and yesterday seems long ago.   I'm not good at yesterday…why i post everyday.   But yesterday was important.   i want to learn something from it.    I'd gone to Dee's.   to be Angry.  and this,  unknown to her,   was perfectly responded to by her post the next morning of the 9th…Pattern and Outrage wordpress.  Her last sentence giving me a perfect response,  even tho at that time she'd not known i had come.  she said

Staying Power

 

it's how it happens sometimes.   often enough.    and i can just say it this way.   "the Universe".,  the Universe,   the Godthing,  Spirit,  shows Its Self in unmistakable ways.   Go back,  way back to what i loved that Elizabeth Gilbert said in the On Being podcast….paraphrasing:  that the Universe wants to communicate with us in a way that we can receive it, recognize it.   I have "believed" so many things over my years,  Un believed them,  believed them again  and on and on and now and again stuff  just happens that is unmistakable .   I love these words.   Staying Power.   what IS staying power?   how does it work?   

so that's it for tonight.  i'm afraid this will all disappear.  and i know by tomorrow,  too much time will have passed and i won't go back.   and something Big to me would be lost.

 

  

 

 

 

it is just a mystery why this spiral,  this Cloth is so perfectly what i need.   i could never have planned such a perfection.   It was mindfull but still,  of its own accord…the slow finding of the pieces that came to be what it is.   It's still here,  taking up most of the Everything Table.   i wake to it,  go to sleep to it.   Spend the days with it.   All day,  i look and am cared for by it,  like a homeopathic.   a remedy.   

i went to sleep early last night,  well,  earlier than midnight.  10:30…because i couldn't bear it any more.  The WIND.   the WIND.  i remembered when i was giving in to moving here from New Mex and i said to Jenny…the Wind,  i'll miss the Wind and she said yes.   We don't have much here.  that was before things changed.   When they were looking at the real estate listing  for this Hill…she also related in one of the conversations that the part where insurance was discussed…there was nothing remarkable about any ….ummmm   i don't know the terms anymore,   but….no flood insurance,  no other insurance for "natural" events…at that time even fire threat.   just plain old property insurance.  we were feeling good with that   Assurance.   In five years….IN FIVE YEARS….how much has changed.  How could that be true?,  but it is.   The three of us keep asking eachother now and then…is this really true?,  and it is.   

when i woke up this morning it was all still out there and it was NOT raining and i just layed there  feeling my eyes open and no wind and no rain  and i         wanted to be angry.    I wanted to say Metta,  yes,  but i wanted to be angry.   Why are we left with Metta?   Why have we watched as our government is dragged through all the bull shit it is,  dragging its self through it,  spending zillions of dollars on elections of people who are less concerned with the Well Being of the Planet than i am…  i wanted to be ANGRY.    i wanted to tighten myself,   squinch my eyes,  bare my teeth,   threaten….STOP IT!!!!!   Feed people,  feed Children,  build homes and spigots  that give water to drink that is pure and clean.   HELP US,   STOP.  STOP.   the craziness of this  capitalistic Shit!!!!       and i thought…i want to hang out with Dee.  Pattern and Outrage wordpress.    like at her house.   I want to get on a plane and  take a uber and get to her door and knock loudly,  calling…..DEEEEE   and she'd let me in and i'd start up with my angry grief and she could take it,   the raising of my voice,   the bottled up feelings that want to take the form of Anger,  but really….are worse than anger.  Are a deep deep grief.   She wouldn't get hurt.   I wouldn't hurt her with this.  eeeeeeeeeee.

30 some years now i have lived on the edge of normal.   I walked away from Normal.   Normal wasn't working for me.  I left it.  I have lived differently.  Marti knows some of this,  she was where i lived the most normally of not so normal.   and normal is defined by 
the usual.    Nice.   i left nice.    What do i mean?   

 

it's dark now.  the batteries are running low.    i depend on batteries.    it is

choice.

it is not normal.    tonight sometime,  the Wind is forecasted to return.  it's still in the moment.   the faucet drips.   i look above and see that i wrote….    why have we watched as our government is dragged  ……'

passive.  saying Metta.   watching.     saving the zip locks and grocery bags for multiple use.   doing our part as best we can.  Caring,  but 

just watching.    passive.  

 

 

 

 

went  to Nogal's Forest to see if i could soak in the feeling of him.   Talkie went with me.   There were MANY mushrooms and fungus…pics in the next days

 

 

and this!   would have been from 2 years ago….last year she only laid those tiny ones.   Must have been from a time she was disturbed off her established nest in the hay feed….needing to be Just Going…so….there,  at the base of a tree.

and today it continues,  but intermittant.   that

RAIN

and tonight WIIIIIIIND.   This year,  to Atmospheric River,  we add …..Bomb Cyclone.    

Received a loving email,  which i so deeply appreciate,  asking….if i am considering beginning the process of letting go…this Goat Keeping i do.   and i think.   Yes. this is hard.   But it's the love.  not the actuality of it.   i want to be clear…the doing of caring for them…might be compared to taking a good brisk walk in your neighborhood.   recommended exercise.   In ordinary times.   In these Un Ordinary days,  these days of Climate Changes,   it becomes something different entirely and what that triggers is fear.  Fear that i cannot do what they need me to do.   and that would be for anyone.   It would be same for Alyssia or Jenny.     

so it's the fear that is my work.   the reality that i won't be able to control everything.  that things might happen.  it is the same thing that any animal herding peoples will be feeling anywhere around the planet.    a dog or a cat.  you can bring them in.  a Herd,   not.   and it is not meant to be.    We have been unbelievably lucky.   Our Goats are strong.  Strong bodied,  stron willed.  a Strong herd.   The vet commented on this.   But we will only be able to do what we can.  Everything we can.  and then….surrender to Life Its Self.      This kind of back to back Storm might repeat.   or not.   There is no knowing if it will beome a pattern.   so…just to learn what we can.   On the next good enough day,  Alyssia and i will bring Nogal's calf hutch over to Jack Flash.  Position it at an angle,  Wind,   and close enough to the fence so i will be able to toss a  chunk  of Feed to it's doorway.  He loves his Tarp Tent.  He may choose to ignore the hutch.   We'll see.   but it's what we can do.  

 

 

so it did not go well,   last late night….  i kept thinking i might be hearing Jack Flash.   It was raining.   i would open the door…listen…hear nothing but then later,  think i heard something again.   He somehow seems so far away now.   

But i also knew that even if i did….there was really nothing i could do.    

so today and still tonight i think about this.   Really,  the RAIN is just what it is.    If it weren't for caring for the Goats,  i would just hunker down and do my best to ignore the reality of it.   But the Goats.