windthread

 

throughout the day,  i tried to stay in Both realities….keeping the Pink Floyd tape in my head running…"going there"  off and on.   and at the end of the day,  sat with these and again this morning.   But the spell was broken.  Went through the notebook where i had almost mindlessly written the thoughts and images as they came and i can't get back there.   So.  Will write it as it came in the new sketch book/Journal i'd started last week and hope that someThing will trip it loose again.   Many of the images remain Vivid.

these are tomatoes and hot peppers

 

rocks from New Mexico.   Generations…what do  "generations" mean to rocks?

Weekends are for Jenny.  My daughter.  Born from me.   Alyssia,  born from her.   Emrie born from Alyssia.

 

rain on dandelion    vadaka1986

more dreams  and i can't yet Tell.    My son in Colorado got his first vaccination.   I work.  in B Garden.   Emrie shared time,  listened to me telling Alyssia about the dreams and then when it was her turn,  told me i was talking too loud.  I said i was sorry, but that it was so important and she said,  i know, it's ok.    but now it's my turn.  And she told about how when she lived in a jungle in trees.

this Thing….LIFE is so beyond Beauty FULL

 

looks innocent enough, doesn't it.

 

Pretty much undisturbed for well over 10 years.   Was always on the shelf under the windows in the ROOM in New Mex.  Came out  mostly when the kids were there.   the Colored Pencils.  I don't have any memory of when this metal box came to be employed this way.   Don't know where or when i got it.   Maybe i can dream it.   But was at some point in my Van days.  or readying for that, even.    Ever since Acey mentioned the fishing line,  it's been in my mind.  Had no idea where it could be and no real will to look.  But at the end of this day i suddenly pictured this.  and  here it was….wound around a piece of bamboo.   Would have been from the "doll" making days.  I used it a lot then.  How it got in here i don't know.  Who needs 2 paper hole punches?   Why is that big brush in there?  and when did the copper pipe for cloth dyeing end up here?   

There's some kind of uhhhh,   incidental reorganizing going on,  aside from my deliberate conscious mind.   I don't ask questions.  Just a drawer here,  a shelf there.   And now,  this has my attention.

When i was in the grip of the Anxiety/Food Poisoning,  that next day,  I remembered taking the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago with Beloved Margery Burke Price to Loyola where we took 3 day workshops with Ira Progoff….his Intensive Journal Workshops.   We were heavy into it.   I remembered how he would say….don't make Things  stand to reason.    I'm thinking a lot about those words,  that advice.   Don't make Things stand to reason.    receive them as they come and let them take you.

it was a good day at the Wall Garden.  Vetch is taking over,  is EveryWhere,  in Profusion.  More than ever before.  I notice how the Weed People,  the native and wild plants,  take turns.  This year,  it's the Vetch and amazingly,  Cranes Bill,  or Storks Bill.  There's even a lot in small gardens of ItsSelf up here.   I extended the fence trellis and planted this years Cucumbers.  Remember,  Deer don't like them.   So twice as many Cucumbers as last year.  If they do well,  will be enough for a reliable flow to all three households.  Weeded some…for the garlic and onions,  and to keep space for the potatoe starts that should finally arrive any time.   I didn't take the phone so have no pics of the  ?Lupine that HAS sprung up after that mowing.  So glad to see this.   There could easily be twice as many hours to a day and still….not feel like enough.

 

 

Well.

like Lazarus,  i rose.  Hungry.  very hungry.  I made a meatloaf,  two very large baked potatoes.  a salad.

So….What WAS IT?/ IS IT STILL?

Today i am back to me.   the ordinary me,  but with the shine of the unordinary me remaining and i think….What WAS that?  and there are two things….maybe it WAS an anxiety attack.   or,   maybe it was food poisoning….this occurs because yesterday i had zero interest in any kind of food,  not even the morning tea.   Today i am HUNGRY.   so i'm looking.   

i did eat stir fry with chicken that had set Out way too long and at the time smelled ify,  but i have a strong constitution and ify is usually ok….???    So i don't know.  am thinking a combination….there was very good reason for high anxiety but also…that stir fry      and as i have come to know,   life and our bodies are On Our Side and try to help in any way they can. 

So this morning,  eating the meatloaf and baked potato i went to find Laurie Anderson,  Big Science.   Another clue that it was my 

MIND

going back,  out of the blue to old  Music….always a clue

from there i remember so much from the Intensive Journaling….Ira Progoff's  Intensive Journal Process….and this is connected to my beloved Marge,  Marjorie Burke Price who i called up some days ago and has all remained in my mind,  in my heart,  …how we went to Chicago to Loyola University for workshops in this Journal Process….we rode the train,  stayed 3 days,  and how he always reminded us to not  "make things stand to reason".   

and from there it was Pink Floyd,  Wish You Were Here…..listening over and over

Ending with the Eagles.   Take It Easy.     don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy

This took all morning.   And i don't know,  in this moment that is just before dusk.   Was it an anxiety attack?   Was it food poisoning?   

I am thinking it was a very Beauty Full combination of both…because i needed to be Thrown for a Loop.   Needed to hit the fan.

I spent the afternoon at the B garden.  I planted the slip of penstemon that had rooted in the window,  mixed more soil for the pots,  slowly and mindfully Gave water to all there,  admiring all the new Green,  especially the new leaf buds of the Fig  and Pomegranate.  Came back to do the evening feed,  fill all the water tubs,  Talkie's feed dispenser and all her here and there water sources.  it was a Beauty FULL day.   i am so Grateful.

 

 

how to tell the truth.    how to KNOW the truth,  to even tell….maybe that's the real question.  

Dreams have changed recently.   the one last night….hard.  and i couldn't get out of it.   Ever since i had the UTI i wake maybe 3 times a night to pee and during those times i am very aware of the dream and can choose to  return to it.  or not.    Last night not.  I was in it for the long haul.  I don't remember what was happening and that is a rare,  almost never occurrence and it was a hard dream.   But it didn't want me to know,  to bring it into the light.    Waking,  habit now,  i put the water on for tea.   Pick up the phone and check the weather.  The one i have gives 3 hour increments for every 24 hours.  I can know when it's likely i can FEED and they can eat.  From that to the gmail.  messages or none and the tea is ready.  News.    a second cup of tea is for blogs i read and love.    After that,   shut it all down and Sit.   Whatever meditation will take me into the day.   

this morning,  after the Dream,  while it was still dripping off my mind,   there was NO PHONE apps.   and as far as my limited knowledge took me,  no way to troubleshoot.  There was a horrible headache,  also uncommon and the two aspirin i took made me nauseated.  It was far too early to try to call Alyssia.  And i won't belabor it all at this point but i think i had a first anxiety attack ever.    I simply got back into bed.  Pulled the covers up and went back to sleep to wake 20 min later,  facing the window…the view of SUNLIGHT glittering on leaves,  to Tay restless to be let out.   It was all over.  The headache was gone.  

Message still worked.  I did that…Alyssia.   she called early afternoon and talked me through some fixes but they will be temporary…i need a new phone.    But more than that,  i need a new Way.   A lot is going on and it was clear that there is nothing to do but put full heart and attention to all of it.  Full Heart.  Full Attention.   I look forward to tomorrow morning.  Begin Again.

Talkie had quit laying a couple months ago as chickens do in the dark days.   This morning in the corner of the feed shed…these.  I take them as a sign.

 

 

so.

things are happening.  Momentum.  a sense of confidence and accomplishment.   of what Is and what Can be.

for as much as saying,  speaking ,  has been the work  of Blue,   for me , Listening is more.   For sure,  there is Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say…awareness of idle and careless conversation…..but also   TO LISTEN.  To honor PAUSE   before response.  

the big example of that is my heretofore refusal to consider moving this travel trailer.  I simply would not allow the thought.  It was too much,   For no good reason.   It CAN be moved.   It CAN be prepared to move.   And it then……it  then can 

come back.      With all the STUFF i have kept.   It is not an all or nothing.   They have tried to say that now and then but i refused to listen.  I listen now and FEEL the softening of that.   A collective exhale.   a collective OK.  ok then.  

so we begin planning for this Circle of Seasons.  the fine tuning of what we have learned,  what we want to learn.  We know that we all are wholeheartedly committed to this Hill.   I know that if it all goes up in smoke,  i would just  come back.  As soon as the embers die.   I would come back.  Set up camp.  Set up housekeeping.  Set up Goat keeping,   Set up  Hill keeping in whatever way necessary.   I have clarified for myself what Peace of Mind  might be and that is that minivan that could stand ready with all the basics.   And then,  beyond that,   what we can,  however we can.

The truth,  or,  one of the Truths is,  it is highly possible that this Hill will never burn.  It is positioned beautifully in Defensible Space,  road wise,  community wise.   But FIRE is a primal dragon.  Primal.   an  Element.   

"Sky"  is so so incredibly Blue now…more than i have ever known it to be.  And i want to turn,   to turn to the NOW of things which means the Gardens,   the still sleeping lizards,  the singing frogs.   and to the Cloth Making which is always waiting for me.

 

yesterday.   Emrie and i in B Garden,  looking up to see each needle of the pines as if dipped in a glistening silver magic.  If you enlarge,  maybe you can see?

 

i said…O!  this is a very oldOne and she looked closely and then said…No,  he is brand new.  like a child.

i finger this.  From before first light and on.   Fingering,  holding,  looking.   The frog.

  

later…i am sitting on the toilet to pee.  my glance moves up from the floor and there…on the edge of the bathtub a thing…

 ?  maybe a leaf,  or,  who knows,  but i  focus vision and   Lo and Behold.   a tree frog.  One of the ones who are SINGING down at the Wall Garden,  the Canal Creek,  one of the vast chorus  that sings  SINGS.    SINGS.

and this evening,  Alyssia comes with the groceries and ice and pics on her phone of all the possible possibilities for minivan things,  for EVACUATION 

for the MAYBE

and then….she changes EVERYTHING.    EVERYTHING by quietly pointing out that 

THIS is a travel trailer. 

   TRAVEL trailer.   This thing i am living in.  Travel.

that it is made to      MOVE.  it can

go

Blue.  Listen  Speak  Hear

and i look more at the pic at the top,  the finding of the earring…like an uroboros,  a dragon, snake,    an emblem of wholeness,  infinity

there is too much.   i need to dream.  But frogs.   They have sung.   I listened.  One came IN.