tried 5 times last eve to edit pics upright. We'll see this morning. won't know till i push publish. Am using cheese cloth from long ago, Dharma Trading. it's lumpy, but that's ok. What i want is a form. a body. a human form.
she loves her schoolbus. Said the engine was broken, has a flat tire. Needed a screwdriver.
Running and Jumping. All important. just running and jumping. An overturned feed tub…..their young hooves drumming on it.
Today was day 5. When they were BORN, you could feel the horn buds….at birth.
Alyssia picked them up. in the cat carrier. Drove them to transfer to Jenny in Chico who took them to the most recommended person of Two by Two Farm to disbud. This is controversial, disbudding….but we did it. I can't justify it to those that would not. We just did it. As we have in the past. Some to great success, some not so much at all…like Sunny Ray, whose disbudding by the vet in Socorro didn't "take", Nogal. Cinderella who is now gone across the River .
if you want to know, you can look it up. The kids smell funny when returned to their mother, can be rejected because of this …so…Vicks. OR what we did today, Tea Tree Oil. On the burn horn buds and on the nose of the Doe Goat. All went well. She was just quiet waiting. It was a couple hours and on return, smelled their butts and all was well. They drummed. As if it were nothing at all. They sat, held, caressed, as if it were nothing at all. The feeling in the pit of my stomach eased. Done. One more day on the Hill. I gave water at B and things there are blooming. Enough of Goats. Back to what Gives GREEN.
LOVE again, to All of US as we go. Love.
it was a day that seemed to go on forever. it had no Time. it only had doings. and they flowed, one into another and were intense and full of feeling and full of physical doing and full of Life itself. Life. LIFE. it began in a difficult and awkward for me way of my son, expressing anger at my daughter on her facebook page. How so much i DO not like Facebook. But there it was and he was extremely distraught by the fact that she continues to come here, that we all…her, Alyssia, kids are seeming to flaunt caution in extreme times. He was ANGRY. I understand. it is true. i will be toast if i meet up with this virus. it is true that Alyssia is compromised to the extent that she is at Risk. There is no denying these things . He is correct. His FEAR is also without question. But….how do we go?
We unloaded feed in pellet form. New kinds, timothy and alfalfa mix for the bucks. Dug earth and placed what Jenny calls Pickle Jars, food grade plastic containers…these were for Olives…i'll have to take a pic for you to understand them, barrels. There is gossip on the farm exchanges about a sudden dearth of feed possible, which doesn't make sense, Right? But what does anymore. So that and before and in the midst of , we spent time with the babies who we are totally intent on being human oriented. For that to happen, hours of the day, everyday, they need human contact.
Emrie learned how to pick up a baby. She listens Care FULL y and follows step by step. SUCCESS and we Celebrate.
What all to say. We Go. on. into our lives. Sitting with Jenny before all else, just watching the babies, i heard Self going on about what i Believe. as i said it outloud to her, i said it to myself aloud…that the EARTH is SPEAKING. That mycelium is speaking to these Doe Goats, to Caroline, to the babies….informing them. That the TREES here….they too, lean over us and speak with invisible words, informing us. It's crazy. but i believe it's True. In the past…Jenny would have stared off into the distance of not listening. She did not today….she looked down, at the grass we sat on, a gentle and soft gaze.
There is so much Love happening
so GLAD there were two. Their lives are so Great as TWO. and it will be especially so, in this old herd with all its longstanding complexities. We will wether them. band their balls which over time just wither like raisins and fall away. They will live Free with the Does. Become part of the Hill Herd. Ordinarily, two bucklings would have been a disappointment. Bucks are neutered to become companions for unaltered Bucks…like Jack Flash is for Sonny Ray. or they become companion animals for human beings. Or they are meat. Few are left whole to retain as herd sires. One buck can serve a World of Goats. These, for Emrie and Julian. They will learn all of GoatKeeping. Julian claimed the flashy one. Emrie has the black one.
Not even 2 days old today, they ran in the corridor behind the Kidding House which is called the Curry House. Caroline would leave and go the extent of that corridor and call them…it took a while, but they would go. They don't walk. They run or bounce. Tay has never seen baby Goats before…she is mesmerized. The Black let her taste him. She was thrilled.
so it was 30 something hours when i finally lay down to sleep. I woke at around midnight, had slept in all my jackets and wool hat, put on my boots. Flashlight. Checked. Babies sleep. Mother sleeps. All touching.
boots off, jackets, hat, off. Lay down again intending to go check again when i woke around 2 something as i always do to pee.
woke with a jolt…it was 4 something, way too long for effective checking . I was disoriented…where were my boots? Where did i set the flashlight? and i just stopped moving. I just couldn't. Could not look for my boots, could not look for the flashlight or hat or jackets. i could not go out. i simply could not do what i needed to do. For the first time in my life and things began to become a blur, of thoughts that made some sense and all manner that did not. Fears of all kind arose….how could i tell emrie or Julian that their Goat had died, because i Couldn't. and i sat there at the edge of the bed and coughed.
Coughed. a dry cough? i think so. i wait to cough again and i don't but break into a cold sweat….a Fever?
Ok, i think, this is it. Ok. and i just sit there, watching the movie my mind created as i watched, one scene to the next and i remembered the last days of hospice with the Old Cowboy, how his eyes were…the fear…i knew my eyes were the same. i remembered all the things i told him in those days…mostly not to be afraid, that when THE moment came, it would come softly. that i couldn't say that for sure, but i believed it to be how it happens. When you need to Go, you Go. And all this went on for about a half hour, me just sitting there, propped on the big pillows, watching this disjointed flow of images, sweating and becoming very cold. repeat and then at some point i fell asleep.
it had become light when i woke again, sleep having absorbed the Fear and for a second, i didn't remember anything and then i did. So i got up and made tea. What was, was. There was nothing to do but go Out There and find out.
They were hopping around. Caroline was hungry.
I came in, got Puppy's food and went down to do the morning feed. SUN rose like honey, flowing through the trees. Stood and look at that…the SunLight flowing through the trees and realized that i'd had the First Panic attack in my life. I understood, for the first time what people experience…the most significant part being that there is no way i was able to make it stop. That all the ways i have to keep worry at bay didn't work. There's just TooMuch.
I carried alfalfa to Caroline and sat on the straw and watched her eat in her methodical Goat way, i watched the little ones practice all manner of physical maneuvers, like turning inplace during a spin, touched their tiny bodies, not even a whole day old, their perfectness, softness, Goingness. I filled her water and left, checking twice that i hooked the door. Came in and layed down. SLEPT. maybe an hour. More tea and understanding so so clearly that this is going to be a time of many First Times and there's a lot of work i need to do with my head. with realizing that i have limits. and that i need to honor those limits. So much i need to honor about life at this point in time.
it's early, but Jenny will be here soon. I need to eat. that's one thing to honor. so i'll feed self . Will take more pics of them and be back here this evening. Maybe i can learn something already by then.
BIG LOVE TO ALL
(just to say….no dry cough. i do not have a fever. There's time to Learn.)
the Presentation you want to see. The amniotic sac, which breaks, and there are two forelegs, hoofs down and just along, a nose. For so long, with each contraction, just one leg. Upon palpation, only one leg presenting. A week or so ago she'd sent me a link that talked about inserting a finger into the rectum to rearrange positioning. I looked but didn't go read. It was the first time either she or I had seen mention of that. And Well….after the hours, she inserted her finger into the rectum and there, pressing against, another hoof and leg. Next contraction, she pushed the presenting back in and from the rectum pushed that leg back and down. it proceeded from there. While they were admiring him the second buckling just slid out. We could have called the Mobile Vet. But we don't know…how long it would take…IF she would come at midnight. When he did finally come through, his tongue was hanging. Time had gone by. So it was from the Internet. This says something. It actually says a LOT. First buckling 4lb 6oz second 4lb 2.5 oz. Big kids. It could have gone a very different way. This daughter of mine. She does what needs doing. Tomorrow….we'll talk about that, when she comes… Retelling how it went, her fears and her Just Going. Relates to All that is unfolding now.
and Alyssia just came…bringing their little sweaters, washed and dried, we went Out and put them on and it's late and i want to finish all this tomorrow morning. There is Need for documentation of things. So…tomorrow. Finally, tonight….sleep. Just sleep. Beloved Sleep. How sleep matters. to Just Going. for me.
Love. Love to all who read this. May your night be soft and gentle. May you
sleep.
i can't remember a moment that was as physically, emotionally and of Spirit exhausting.
as i said…it began at 11 am with some thread of mucus. She didn't go with the Herd when they set out for the morning, but stood in the road and called softly off into the Forest. She then went to the Kidding House we built…on her own and lay there a bit but when i went back out moments later, she'd gone into the Doe Goat Shelter….pic of yesterday. I leaned on the wall and watched her. To be sure. After a couple hours Messaged Alyssia and Jenny to say i was pretty sure we were ON. Alyssia and the kids arrived. Late afternoon Jenny after work. We settled in. Evening went on and there were small signs of progress. We practiced how we could Be, a 10 year old, 2 and 1/2 year old, 3 women, a no longer young Doe Goat, a nosy chicken and anxious Dog and a closely watching cat. it went ON. I am too tired for details but it wasn't till about 11:30 pm that Emrie melted down and asked to go into the house to OUSCH Nana's bed. We went and soon she crashed leaving Jenny, Alyssia and Julian Out There. Julian didn't come back. I was surprised. Somewhere at almost midnight there was That CRY….piercing and loud and i thought GOOD, finally we've done it , but then time passed and there were more cries. Too Many.
Jenny Called (isn't that amazing? a phone call from feet away) to say come out here, i said then send Julian in. I woudn't leave Emrie alone. Jenny said never mind….there are concerns. It's ok. So i sat in dark silence except for Caroline's Cries.
I am too tired for the details tho the Details are important to record here….The kid was not positioned for birth. Jenny ended up needing to put her hand in and reposition while Alyssia held Caroline UP to relieve the pressure…Julian was the flashlight.
Somewhere around midnight Alyssia came and put on Emries boots and carried her out. I told Tay to STAY and followed and there, 2 Goats. New Born STANDING. STANDING. emitting the tiniest small wibbly cries of BEING.
we dried them off while Caroline licked them into Life. They were ALIVE and WHOLE and so READY.
Caroline was someWhere Else….making small sounds, standing there, as she had stood for the last 14 hours
it's done. Birth. Two Perfect Bucklings. Beauty FULL in all ways. A Doe Goat, who trusted us and STOOD.
Jenny stayed till 4. She had to be at work at 7am. Alyssia left soon after and i sat there, out in that Kidding House that we had built. Sat on the Earth, atop the wool Web that Lace Lady had sent so long ago. On my body, a cotton shirt covered with an old wool sweater, and then a cotton jacket that Jenny found me at goodwill and then all covered with an old WOOL blanket pulled in tight around my legs and feet and i sat there on the earth and listened and watched to be sure that things were ok and i sat there on into Dawn and then beyond. To try to be sure that things were ok.
mucus began 11 today. It's now 9 pm something. Still waiting. Everybody's here.
i wanted out of NoWhere to do this. I started and stopped. started and stopped. All day, could not, did not, focus, but moved one thing to the next and around, mostly in my mind. I don't want to live like this.
a lot of time was spent watching for Caroline, tracking her through the day. Having no idea how she might choose to deal with kidding as a Free Goat. When they were no where to be seen, i went to look for them….just needing to know where they were. Needing to see her. So that. But i might also have read the final write up about Possibilities. It was dire. I don't know what source it was from, i clicked out before making note of that….the direness. But there's no point. We don't know and we can't know. We have to Live it day unto day.
i knew all along that the pattern above is too narrow. But instead of changing that, i just kept going. Like i'll keep going tomorrow and stitch it up, turn it and stuff it with something. I have no idea why i'm doing this. I see her with Pine Needle Hair…maybe just for that, pine needle hair.
this virus shit is a Bummer. I was finally getting things together, like i just recently found info about a Community Garden in town, in one of the funky neighborhoods, sponsored by the AfroAmerican Community Center, a news article saying they are in need of volunteers, that there is something for anyone and everyone to help with…and in exchange, they give free vegetables, which is nice, but mostly i felt a pull to work in this Garden. Maybe because they noted that they raise SEVENTEEN varieties of Tomatoes…SEVENTEEN!!!! EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and just small but huge stuff like having found the BEAUTYFULL laundromat, but…….is a laundromat a safe place? Do virus…what's the plural?, viruses?, do they float on molecules of humidity from the dryers? How much hand sanitizer does one NEED for a trip to the laundromat? But…maybe no one will be there?, but probably not because we all need clean clothing. And all woven in to it i think of all the huge humanity that has been struggling for so long in so many parts of the world and we are whining about things like this….i think these thoughts a lot in between looking for Caroline
if it would stop raining, i could plant my Heart in the Gardens, put my hands into this Earth and get lost there and maybe i will stay here, in the Gardens indefinitely, not come back from them….if it would stop raining. Even for a little while, but then i also don't want it to stop. Want more and more rain to SEEEEEEEEP in deep in to the crevices of this Hill to hold us as long as possible through the summer months,
and then i think, what if Caroline isn't REALLY pregnant, that it is just like a while ago when we thought everyone was and the vet said YUP but NOTHING CAME OF IT, What if i am repeating that? So i stare at her when i find her, she's twice her normal size, her twat is all puffy, she's bagged up.
What a day. I don't want to live like this. Need to find another way
there is a PROFUSION of Stork's Bill. Everywhere down at A
From Margery Knott….a Sister here….and because i don't know how to place the words in correct poetic form….just the way i can. But the words are the
words
Praise the Rain by Joy Harjo
Praise the rain, the seagull dive The curl of plant, the raven talk ~~~ Praise the hurt, the house slack The stand of trees, the dignity ~~~~~ Praise the dark, the moon cradle The sky fall, the bear sleep ~~~~Praise the mist, the warrior name The earth eclipse, the fired leap ~~~~~Praise the backwards, upward sky The baby cry, the spirit food ~~~~Praise canoe, the fish rush The hole for frog, the upside down ~~~~Praise the day, the cloud cup The mind flat, forget it all ~~~
Praise crazy. Praise sad. Praise the path on which we're led. Praise the roads on earth and water. Praise the eater and the eaten. Praise the beginnings, praise the end. Praise the song and praise the singer.
Praise the rain; it brings more rain. Praise the rain; it brings more rain.
Margery….Thank You, beyond Thank You
