windthread

all the invisible baste on the top two triangular pieces.  I can't name what they are yet,  because i still don't know.  But the

hand 

of the Cloth is now Excellent.  I will never be able to say how much Jude's Invisible Baste means to me.  How 3 becomes ONE and the sensation of that is beyond Beyond.  AND the fact that it truly can be invisible….there is nothing more to want in this life.  Then,  more roots and taking out part of one root and then some vague work with Inktense Pencils,  Payne's Grey  and Burnt Orange.  I have to go really really slow with this part.  Have no idea what i would want to see happen.  So, Slow.  Slow.

 

double click her.  She is such an incredibly BeautyFULL cat.

and the Kochia Project.  Not enough to show here,  but done for this day.

 

I have a call in to the voice mail of Punky Markland.  He was my north neighbor Charlotte's man when they moved in there.  Sometime after,  it wasn't working and that's the last i ever saw of Punky.  But i do pass the lot on N. California st. in town where there are utility trailers,  a big sign,  Markland Trailers and a phone #.  Have left a message.  No answer yet.

i want to know if it's possible to put a different axle on the one we are working on.  More heavy duty.  Bigger tires.  I Utubed …..changing axle  on trailers….and watched a couple.  Didn't answer my specific question,  but i see that it's done and it's my guess that it CAN be done in my situation.  So i want to know if Punky is interested.  Even if not interested,    Willing.  If so,  i will NOT mention this to either Bill or Travis.  I will just DO it.  Quietly and on my own.   This decision was made in the middle of the night,  one of THOSE,  and today there is a quiet feeling of things being just OK enough.  Felt Sense.  Need to go by that.  Felt Sense.  ok.   The thing about "no regret".  

Jack Flash is ok too.  His whacked ear part dangling but he is whizzing about as usual.   I want the Vet to look at this.  Even tho to no real avail,  i want him to SEE what i was talking about,  to SEE it.  Ear tagging is NOT a great thing and if there is a way to avoid it,  anyone who Loves their Goats will.  I want him to SEE this.  and besides,  i really can't do anything about it.

 

not how i'd planned,  but the Catch Corner.  Another Triangle…

it's too soon.  Rescheduled Vet day is the coming Wednesday.  But Bill brought the panel,  said it was on the truck and he was on his way and as it goes,  we hauled it in and i didn't want it,  it wasn't the right length but he,  as he does,  said let's just see how it goes, so we did and it was barely ok and he was happy and trotted off and where does the burden lie here?  He is someone who doesn't take no for an answer.  Doesn't want to listen to the Why of the no,  Doesn't take into consideration that there might be good reason for the no but it takes more than 5 words or less,  takes standing and looking and finding words.  And he's not into that.  So i ended up with a panel that was too short,  but that will do,  but it was also too high.  That would not do.  So i got the Big Cutters  and cut off the top foot plus something of it,  wire by wire…it's cattle panel….steel.  I should NOT have done that,  it is taxing on my arm,  that right shoulder,  that nerve or whatever it is that runs up the shoulder into the neck,  the muscles of the ribs…all the parts that survived the fence falling on me 2 years ago,  but all the parts that fully remember that and that it took over a year to heal as much as it can in a 71 yo body….

and where does the burden lie?   This is nothing new.  I already knew it when he called asking about bringing the thing by.  I didn't stand my ground.  I wonder what would have happened if i did?  My guess is that he would have just showed up anyway.  But i don't know,  because i didn't.

Just before this,  maybe 15 min.  i heard a scream.  Sometimes the bucks hurt eachother.  Just some.  but there will be the sound of it.  I went out in my underwear and T shirt,  got half way there and they were all standing looking toward me,  i chose to decide that whatever it was was over.

went out just now to feed and the lower third of Jack Flash's ear is dangling by a thread.  the Tag,  one week old yesterday is gone.   No blood.  He's normal in behavior and appetite….just that 

ear

Vet closed.  They don't work Friday and weekends.  

This says something about WHY i have kept my world here small and closed.  I think about that.

 

I go out every day now late after noon to pull Kochia.  In the 20 some years i've been here,  there's never been so much as this spring.  This part of the house yard is almost finished.  But i also saw that the Russian Sage and the Coral Berry have runners that have taken hold.  This has never happened before either.

 

there is a small community of Lamb's Quarters.  More nutritious than spinach.  I'll give water.

 

the Left side of the House Yard,  looking out.  it's Next.  Other than the Feather Grass,  almost everything green here is Kochia.

 

This is Next # 4 or 5 maybe.  the Outside of the Doe Goat's Middle Yard,  where Snowbunny's grave is.   This is the farthest out i will go this time,  the last time.  I will leave all the rest to Travis and Everett.  Again.  I have never known so much Kochia.  There has always been a LOT.  Sometimes it made me cry.  But this year,  it's more.

They call it the Mother of all Bombs.   Bombs have no mother.  Bombs are made by the Patriarchy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

sitting with Cloth on lap this morning.   Looked up and to the left into a thread basket…these two  right at the top, waiting.  Ok.  put them together and drink tea,  come to look more and they have begun talking.  it's just a murmer but nonetheless.  

 

Work away and then GOATS.   Dropped off a long note to Vet on way to work.  In effort toward

Clarity.  

Came home to a message from his assistant in response.  Not what i'd hoped for.  So i called the Other vet who had done a few things here a couple years ago.  He is also a very gentle good man.  But not as good at the Rodeo Stuff.  and all this is Rodeo Stuff now.

At issue now,  is Scrapies Tags.   if anyone is interested in what scrapies is,  you can wikipedia it.  I won't go into that here because these Goats don't have scrapies.  BUT to cross into California,  need to have ID.

 

 

 

 

The Beauty FULL  young buck  Nogal,   nogal being spanish for walnut*.  When vet was here last week he tagged all the bucks except Gideon.   This is what this kind looks like.  Much less aesthetically obtrusive  than the brightly colored floppy ones,  but still………  and they do get caught on things, like fences and brush,   ripping ears.  Daughter Jenny does NOT want the Doe Goats tagged.   The vet stands firm that to give a Herd Certificate of Health,  he needs to tag all of them.  So i spent long wait minutes with crummy music blaring first to the Other Vet,  who ended up calling back and then to 2 separate departments of California Department of Agriculture.  The last being the department of Interstate Livestock Movement.  Everyone is nice.  Listened patiently as i went on and on and the end result to all of those conversations is that all the Goats need to be tagged.  How she made it through the first time she took them to California with just tags in hand was LUCK.  It possibly COULD happen again.  But….this Vet will not give a certificate  without them.  Time is running very short.  (Why did i wait so long?????) .  So the appointment is for Wednesday.  I need to make a catch corner before that.  12 Doe Goats.  OK.  and tomorrow i need to take the new transport trailer to the DMV for registration and plates AFTER working in the morning.  (it's not here yet.  What was supposed to take one day will end up being three) .    Catch corner late afternoon.  OK.

I'm not good anymore at rushing,  hurrying.  Need to rehone my skills.  This is going to do that.

Looking this morning,

i saw that this was up side down

 

self portrait

 

and i still love this one so much….Little Magic….from the beginning with Jude.  How the thread beads made the difference,  were expressions of the Magic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i always feel kind of lacking or something when i read the words Body of Work.  I have no Body of Work.  But just now,  going through

 

The Drawers,  i found things.  and they DO make up a modest body of work!  

 

 

 

these two would be included but there was no room

 

they live on  the Big Window Curtain with Jude's Winter Bitch

AND

 

 

 

one of the gourds i used to grow and draw on.

 

There was more

 

 

 

 

one of the fiber figures i used to make…"dolls"…..

 

back to this.  Will leave them UP like this for a few days and feel them, look at them,  see what they have in common,  beside the Desert of them all,  except for the blue one over to the right that i made when i first found Jude…just guessing,  trying to figure out how she did what she does.

the desert of them…i wonder how the cloths will change when i live on the Hill of moss and oak?

 

 

this is my pattern:  i go to sleep when it gets dark.   I wake at sometime around 2:00.  Wide Awake.  i Entertain thoughts spontaneously until i suddenly realize i am entertaining thoughts at which point i begin one or the other of the meditation practices.  Metta,  Tonglen,  Soham and   I wake at somewhere between 6 am and 6:30 again,  realizing that somewhere in the meditation, i fell asleep.

when i wake at 2 something A.M.,  everything is so just There…so clear and so staring me in the face.  Last night it was whether or not i'd answered the comment from Joy in Arizona…????   DID i???? and then the awareness of Emrie's well being and staying for a while with that and then…wondering…Where did that Cloth GO??????

 

this one.   hanging from the Cottonwood stick?  that this morning was called the Life Boat?  Where did the Life Boat go?  and i sat in the morning chair and tried to visualize where i'd last seen it…Not in the drawers,  because i'd looked at all the things in there last week

the wall next to the computer…going to look,  i find it all sticky with dust and cob spider webs. Had fallen off that wall and onto the floor between the wall and the computer desk.   I didn't know much about it at the time i was stitching it,  but this morning,  it was the Life Boat 

 

 

it's tied by a string,  suspended in the window from the curtain rod which is really just a QuarterRound stick….as i continue thinking about the boy across the way,  about Human Services,  i will look at this Cloth…the Life Boat in the Sea of Possibilities.  

ok.

 

i wanted to stitch.  I wanted to a Lot.  But this cloth remains a mystery to me.  So, i stitched in these small fragments.   ok   and then sitting,  looking at it,  i began stitching Roots.  Roots that have been a persistent image.  ok.  roots.  I don't know if they are visible to anyone but me in this pic?   But roots.  Still.  I don't know this cloth.

I received phone calls from both Jenny and Alyssia and stitched through them.  How we talk now,  not saying much,  just being on either end of the phone.  Sometimes with Alyssia i just sit and listen as she does her day with the kids…today,  they are Cleaning and the exchange between her and a 7 yo and 9 yo who are NOT happy with cleaning.  I just listen.

Jenny called because the Water Meter is IN!  …yay and the first utility for the Hill.  Next, electric.  She tells me that all around Alyssia's Campsite A there are small purple flowers Blooming.    and Alyssia reports this too.  and things are fragmented….i am here and there but really in some kind of limbo that is neither and Both.

I kept my agreement to go OUT and pull weeds for at least a half hour every day.  Knowing that if i get Out There,  i always end up just going…always an hour or  more…if i just get Out There and so it was today…WIND was strong enough,  but hunkered down,  squating close to the earth,  just easy.  

 

 

 

 

there are too many things to factor in.  So today,  i have Surrendered to that.  The Just Going has shifted into high gear.

 

we got the Old Cowboy's Silverado from over where it lives at Bill's house and went to the Everything Supply place at the corner across from the cemetary and down from the Truck Stop.  Bought the diamond mesh metal panels that will be welded to the trailer on Sunday. There are many details to this seemingly small thing,  but i won't put them here.  Accomplished.

came back here to open all the boxes that have arrived in the last few days of parts for the Toyota Pickup,  Sunny,  that i will drive to California in 2 or 3 months.  All are to conform to California Emissions standards.   There are 11 boxes,  2 envelopes.  Some of the boxes had an abundance of packing thingys for say a 3×3 INCH flat gasket.   ????????????????????  I guess to legitimize the Shipping and Handling?????

Anyway,  they are Here.  

So ok.  and right now,  they wait.  the Immigration of the Goats is Primary.  If all goes as hoped,  the trailer that will Carry them will be completed on Sunday.  o    K.   

During it all,  we talked.  a satisfying exchange that i so appreciate;  where you go further and deeper into who someone is,  as opposed to remaining on the same level of exchange no matter the length of time.

 

he brought me this Little Debbie Cream Cheese Streusel Cake.  It was delicious.

AND BACK TO YESTERDAY

to the 14 yo kid across the road  with the airgun.  The conversation with his mother/grandmother Margie stayed with me,  Woke with me this morning.  I remembered that Hazel of Handstories had posted this:

"The brain doesn't finish developing and maturing until mid to late 20's.  The front part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex, is one of the last regions to mature.  It is responsible for planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses."

National Institute of Mental Health

i remembered when my father had frontal lobe dementia.

 

I thought.  How Margie said…."he wants his Mama".  and i thought about my knee jerk response that the last thing he needs right now is his Mama.  He is adrift.  So So adrift in a sea of Nothing.  To spend a day,  everyday,  shooting a BB gun at nothing,  watching TV.  No friends,  no nourishment for his brain.????????????????????

He needs HELP.

and i thought about all the conversations i have had with Alyssia as she has gone through her bachelors degree work in 

HUMAN SERVICES,  as she approaches her work for her Masters degree.  

HUMAN SERVICES.  I typed in Human Services and wikipedia said

"Human services is an interdisciplinary discipline with the objective of meeting human needs through an applied knowledge base,  focusing on prevention as well as remediation of problems, and maintaining a commitment to improving the overall quality of life of service populations.  The process involves the study of social technologies (practice methods, models, and theories).  Service technologies (programs, organizations, and systems), and scientific innovation that are designed to ameliorate problems and enhance the quality of life of individuals , families and communities to improve the delivery of service with better coordination, accessibility and accountability.  The mission of human services is to promote a practice that involves simultaneously working at all levels of society  (whole human approach) in the process of promoting the autonomy of individuals or groups,  making informal or formal human services systems more efficient and effective,  and advocating for positive social change within society"

human services.

i want to go further with this,  but for now,  it's enough.

 

 

 

 

a day.  no one here on this computer ordering truck parts.  No Vet coming to scare Goats.  Just here and just a day and i realized how   "wired"  i've been in the last weeks.  How wired i still am.  Using all my gathered wisdoms to hold me in relative balance as i keep going with it all.   There's a hitch with the trailer materials,  there's a hitch with daughter still needing to NOT have the Doe Goats ears tagged,  a few other hitches and it's just the way it's going to be until its all just a memory, and that's going to be the next While.  

I took everything out of the horse trailer and began hosing down the transport crates.  Cleaning the floor in there.  I have left the crates to dry in SUN and beneath Moon and Stars.   I cleaned and brought in two storage bins that were in there for packing.  Between that,  i just visited things.  I visited the Iris

 

 

the tubers that want transplanting

 

the many Wood Beings that are here,  that have come before in their other form but now speak of what is coming again.  I listen.   They somehow speak too of this cloth.

 

i as yet do not understand the language.  so, again,  i just listen and listen more.

 

and i called the across the road neighbor Margie.   To ask if her grandson is now living there.  He is.   He is 14 or 15 now.  Refusing to go to school.  so he is living there.   He references her to be his mother because she raised him from new born until he went to live in town with her ex at about 6 yrs.  He is the son of one of her daughters who died not too long after his birth of heroine addiction.   He came into this world heroine addicted.

He spends the day bolting in and out of her door to shoot an airgun,  BB air gun,  off and out into an imaginary world.  Pop  POP pop  and the Goats bolt from that Way Back that is across the road.  Tay is spending a lot of the day either in the bathroom or on the floor near my bed in the bedroom.   They may get used to it.

I asked her if she was confident that he understood he should NOT shoot in this direction and she bristled a little but said yes….he understands,  but just wants now to "live with his Mama".

ok.  this is his life.  Probably a life not singular to many.  A life of pretty much nothing but imaginary violent confrontations with imaginary demons.  Otherwise,  he and she watch TV.  Margie knows better but always surrenders to the Easy…to the perceived need and martyrdom.

I think about the thing of Surrender.  I have surrendered to the easy at times,  choosing to just not see.  Let it all become clouded over.  I watch it and think.

 

 

i woke.  those seconds of being FREE of any world…until we settle IN to this world we are belonging to

and uhhhh, fall.  into Place.  and this morning,  Place was a place where Emrie will come into.  and how different that was.  No longer a Place of such Question.  No longer a Place of maybe ongoing  suffering for her.

  

the Place was quiet and waiting.

SUN came and filled this world.  WIND stayed elsewhere and gentleness prevailed.

the Vet came.  with his so great young woman assistant.  and the quiet was broken by Vet Rodeo.   Capturing them.  Tenzen, then Nogal.  This done with a lasso first that is then tied into a halter.  The Vet,  pulling them back so they are on their haunches,  belly up,  he pulls them against his chest.  He is kneeling on the ground.  Their head goes back under his armpit.  His hands free,  he clips their hooves.  Tenzen's that were curved in.  Nogal's not so much. But their feet now are FREE.  He snaps the tool that clips the Scrapies tag onto their ears.  Tenzen flinches,  Nogal screams.  Done.  loosen the rope and they are free.

over to SunnyRay and Jack Flash.  Same beginning,  but they run into their shelter and Vet crawls in,  taking hold of SunnyRay's scur horns.  Jack Flash stays behind Sunny Ray.  Clip.  the tag is on.  Take hold of Jack Flash.  Clip.  the tag is on.  Done.  Release.

it's SunSet now and i just came in from visiting them.  Offering kochia.  Feeding by hand.  They come.  Hesitantly,  but they come.  Remembering,  but feeling no fear now.  Memory fades.

Plan made for creating a Capture Corner for the 12 Doe Goats for next week.   Ok.  He will come again.  What needs to be done,  Will.  They will be entitled to cross the border.  N Mex to California.  ok again.

Travis and Everett come and we do what we need to do to get a trailer in the works that will be bought and then pulled and then welded with sides.  Then pulled here and set in the Way Back for the days,  so they can go in and out, come to KNOW it before the day it takes them to the Hill.  

There was more.  But this much is enough.  What carries me today is Emrie.  

Little Emrie.  ok.