windthread

yesterday Alyssia had an ultrasound.  regularly scheduled.  her mother,  my daughter, Jenny,  went with her.  Not knowing what they would see.

Alyssia's OB did it,  because it is the 5 month one.   not the tech.  Jenny said the ob is not uhhhh, well, userfriendly.  just matter of fact.  which,  in this case was exactly what was needed.

He looked and looked,  moving around,  trying to get Emrie to move around.  He looked long and Care fully.  Many times.  They watched.

what he saw,  what they saw,  was a

NORMAL

20 week fetus.

a Normal skull  filled with Normal brain matter all in it's Normal quadrants.

Normal facial constructs.  a nose.  Eyes normally spaced.  a mouth and lips.  no cleft palate.  NORMAL.   

a nice chin.

Kidneys,  Normal and functioning

Heart,  Normal and functioning,  all aortas and ventricles

Normal placenta.

hands…Normal,  not fingers clenched,  but at one point,  grasping her ankle that was at the end of a normal shin,  and there was a Normal heel.  At another point,  grasping the umbilical,  where she pulled herself and seemed to be chewing on it.

she was Busy.  He said if she would just stop the "scissor kicking"…and when she did,  Normal labia.

Normal.

Normal.

Everything Normal.

There is the amniocentesis next week.  they say is definitive.  ok.  ok.  but i think,  what about all this Normal?  but there is the blood tests that were Not Normal.  ok.  ok and ok.  next week.

But she has a FACE.  i so much wanted her to have a face.  She has a face.  a nice chin.

and so we go.

 

stitched together.  One cloth.  Some white Inktense.  And do you see the as yet unborn Magician?…just in around 5 oclock?  began the magic thread beads [ Jude Hill~Spirit Cloth],  the 7 beads…6 black/white the 7th the red blood bead.  Will go all around,  North to East,  the East

probably remaining Open….to  allow Spirit to come and go.

 

how Threads move…..the Lilac here forms blooms.  That same dusky purple as Emrie's firefly Cloth and talking to Jenny,  she gives me a mission to find what kind of native small trees or bushes might be planted on the Hill in spaces that are cleared of brush to discourage the poison oak there.  She says "like maybe lilacs",  and we remember the old ancient Lilac forest down at the edge of our world in her childhood home in Michigan.  Maybe like lilacs,  she says.  

 

 

 

 

and to say i miss being on the blog….the Connection.  I don't know how it will go.  Will have to go day by day.  But i think that life continues for Life Itself.  As  Emrie is continuing moment to moment,  no matter.  

 

 

and how it's going is that i keep wanting to tell her things….tell her what i am seeing here,  like whisper it…..it began yesterday morning when i noticed that this small volunteer little Whatever,  has  BLOOMED.  It has been growing there up against the trunk of the young cottonwood for 2 years.  I have no idea what it is….and suddenly yesterday morning i noticed the blooms as i was feeding the Goats….and i wanted to "tell" her….Look!….Look what's happening!  and there was a sense of goodness to this,  of a relief from the great sadness which still comes in waves,  but this telling feels part of it too.  And this morning,  sitting out on the log that borders the raised bed i watched a chickadee come to light on the Golden Current bush and flutter twig to twig and again,  i thought to tell Emrie.  

 

My brother and his son went in to Albuquerque for the afternoon and it opened a feeling of wanting to at least put some cloth to cloth,  looking at that piece that has been hanging,   i cut it.  Saw this small moon from Deb Lacativa and it works ….then the piece of ivory color….like a flowing.   I thought of fireflies and tho i haven't seen them since i left Michigan,  i thought that i want to tell her about fireflies.  So a magic night firefly cloth for her.  And i don't know any further than just today.  But wanted to tell You this much,  so far.  We'll see how it goes.

Thank You All, and Love…..

 

 

 

i won't be here for a while.  I don't know how long.  But there will be nothing to feel or say that will be Real to feel or say for a while.

They are having Alyssia go to Sacramento for further tests.   The ones they called her about today indicate a possibility of

Trisomy18

you can google this.  No need to put it here.

Brother  is still here.  And i think a LOt about 

empathy.

was just out,  sitting on the steps,  looking at the Stars and wondering about the Why of things.

so i love you ALL,  so much,  but there's nothing really,  in the moment,  to say.

Thank You….love, grace and small Emrie.

if i'm not here for a few days,  i am being a Sister and  Aunt.

International Women's Day.  International Women's  Day.  International women's day.

 

how many times to say it…..International Women's Day

 

zillions.

 

i thought.  women.  women in my life.  women.  and i thought of my beloved Marjorie Burke Price…long dead now.  Dead.  she is dead.  But to me,  she lives,  strong and as she was when i needed her.  and how i still need her,  and go back to her…calling her to me…..needing her..

 

 

how we would go.  on a weekend.  sometimes just over night.  But we would go…OUT  and camp.  Build a fire.  Talk.  make art.  burn art in that campfire.  Marjorie Burke Price.  Mother.  Woman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and awkward Work Away day the details of which are meaningless, really,  

and then checking out a new mechanic in town to go over the Old Cowboy's big Chevy Silverado 4×4 truck,  which has only 30, 000 some miles on it but is also a 1993 model.  So,  metal things should be good,  but hoses and seals….they deteriorate with heat and time….so a good good good going over.  I wanted to sus him out before i made an appointment,  see if he understood what i was asking…..to look at everything possible to give Them the best chance to make the trip SAFELY.  Did he get it…that was what i wanted to "sense".  He did,  i'm pretty sure.  So ok.  and ok and ok.

and then the Laundromat.  Here,  the futon Thing i stitched together in the beginning of my time learning from Jude.  [Jude Hill….Spirit Cloth]     How many years ago?  7?  somewhere around there and if i had thought to do such a thing with a sewing machine,  i Never Would Have.   But she said you can do things with needle and thread.  By hand.  So i tried and i DID.  from denim scraps from the Thrift Shop and it has been washed at the laundromat, many times.    in industrial machines and HELD.  Become softer and softer.   This is where Eli,  my brother's son will sleep….on this couch,  on this cloth.  and it made the day just very much OK.

for the Company who is my brother.  it occurred to me that this is most likely the last time we will see each other in this lifetime.  Neither of us are much for travel.  It's been over 10 years since i went to Minnesota…i am not good at remembering time.  And he came here once,  maybe 15 years ago?  more?  Anyway…….not doing a Lot ,  but just some.  He will have little interest in my dust and cob webs.  We are the same, like that.  

And as i go about,  doing the "some",  enough to let that higher vibration loose,  i've been thinking about what "came through" during those nightime hours last night when i woke.  Have been using that time for Tonglen.  You can google. Wikipedia.   Giving and Taking.  It works to find some quiet within the great sorrow for the suffering of so many on this planet today,  for those needing to escape but seeing no where to go.  for this prevailing toxicity to this country's open heartedness.  Tonglen.  I need this meditation.  

but also,  last night,  i did fall back asleep after a while, but then woke again to the thought of Empathy.  I remembered saying somewhere in one of the comments i think yesterday that there was some of being afraid.  Which there is.  it comes and goes.  so i was "told" to consider Empathy.  Not just holding an openness to what another might be experiencing,  but to take it Further.

"Empathy:  the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference."  wikipedia

the Further,  that i was able to see was not just their "frame of reference",  but to actually "go INSIDE them".  For instance,  go INSIDE Alyssia's body with the 5 inch being swimming around and the 7 year old son and the 9 year old foster daughter,  being 28 years old.  

Not to just look at her,  see her as if i am standing in front of her,  looking into her face.  And not to try to sense myself behind her,  looking out,  as she might look.

But to see if i can go INSIDE her being,  her experience….actually look out through her eyes.  Be One with her,  imagine her feelings,  her impressions.  

Am i explaining this in some kind of intelligible way?  

it's just a Shift,  but an important one.  

 

 

 

looked for a photograph of this "doll"…from the first days of making them.  It's not finished in this pic,  no "body" stitching yet,  but you can get the drift.  I didn't have a camera then.  As i've said,  i used to write words to go with them…handwritten on hand made paper.  Yesterday i found the words for this one which prompted me to see if i had any pic.  I hadn't seen the words in over 15 years.  Sometimes Asking comes true.

 

Old Moon Gramma

I would ask to become an old Moon gramma and learn bright red songs for Apple trees…as leaves begin to curl and fall.

Bright blue songs for little lizards as they search at dusk for shelter.  Silver songs for dragonfly and fish.  Mirror songs for River.

I would learn the warm songs for small bird feet that must grip the branch in nights when Sun

Goes so soon and takes His time returning.  For Him,  i would sing a song to hurry up.

And i would sing with Wind his dancing song for grasses so roots stay deep and strong.  Apricot honey songs to bees and How to Get Back songs for hummingbird.

These and many more.

So many songs,  this old Gramma

and for you,  I'd sing them All.

 

 

i debate.  Whether to plant or not.   But the pleasure today of this….i will.  Not a lot.  Just some.  

 

a small bouquet of bell pepper that fell to the last frost.   How amazing that the leaves,  all winter, remained perfect.  As Beauty Full as roses or orchids.

 

 

all the folders are sorted.  Much is gone.   if i need to,  i can begin again,  but the lightness is Good.

found these two,  that have been lost to me for some time:

 

my daughter

 

her again,  only a couple of seconds on this planet.  

and she called today.   i could tell that she was saving something in the conversation as it went along.  and it went along a long time with report of meeting with the Gravel Guy who will level the place for Alyssia's manufactured home,  the closest to the front,  and depending on what he might charge,  continue on to gravel the driveway road up the Hill to where her own home will be built at the top.  He also can dig the hole for the septic tank and then the trenching and the leach field.   Alyssia had found him among all the Gravel Guys and they all like him and he likes them.   So he will write up an estimate for all of it and if they can,  they will let him do what he does.  Leaving them to just build the buildings and the Goats World.  I hope this can happen.  There is a LOT.  And time is short.

so we get to what she was saving…..that it seems to be a problem to find enough pallets that are not pine or scrap wood anymore,  ones for home construction,  so they have been looking at alternatives.

what she thought might work for me as siding is that kind of scrap lumber that comes when they prepare the trees at a sawmill.  How to describe,,,,,,,there is the round tree.  All four sides are sawn off to make the tree square for creating boards.  The sides sawn off are half circles and still have bark.  They found a new lumberyard that told them they can come and load an endless amount of this.  I know this material well from around here.  There is a lumberyard way north of here around Datil and people go there too for this wood that is considered scrap.  I have liked it for a long time.

and then,  the magic and amazing part….just a week or so ago i got an email from Deb Lacativa about a studio her son has been commissioned to build and…..Ta Da!

 

here is the pic she sent of her son's work!   So i even have a VISUAL of the Baba Yaga Hut!!!!!  I love it.  It will be exactly perfect.  Picture it with a front deck and a side lean to.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the floors will be WOOD.  I can give up the broken vacuum cleaners and SWEEP with a BROOM!

so it goes.  so it Unfolds according to its own necessity.   Stuff is Good.

 

and i think this is Next.

 

 

 

and finished.  In the Shop.  F  for feeling good.  so ok.  and i tried to give this one many names but Picasa wouldn't accept too many words,  so this Cloth…

Which is the memory?,  Which, the rememberer?  Does one give rise to the other? or do both give rise to EachOther?  There is the butterfly,  the Witness,  the imprinted memory of both leaf and flower,  the memory of those imprints in the vagueness of color,  like the dna of memory.  What IS memory?

What is it that remains when the Things are gone?  What is the 

trace

that remains…what is the substance of Memory?  Is it a true 

substance?   I think so.

i love how this scrap showed up…wanting to help Illustrate an unformed thought

 

and in a different plane….my favorite work pants of the time….

i was given a RealTimeVisual yesterday of how this happened.  A fence wire cut and unbent at the gate for Sunny Ray and Jack Flash….how when i squeeze through,  being too lazy to clear the stuff,  this wire catches.  Rips.  So i fixed the wire,  yesterday.  And today,  i worked to fix the rip.  So far,  almost done,  it's good.  Kantha.  Strong.  Worthy stitching.

 

Addendum.  How days go so fast.

Emrie…you might note the spelling change…no longer Emry,  Emrie is now about 5 inches tall.  Think of it.  Being 5 inches tall.  I am interested in this fetus with a scientific bent….being 5 inches,  forming,  swimming,  becoming.   I will be interested in a human being.  This will be the first time in my life time,  that i will HAVE THE TIME to study her.  It's a really GRAND opportunity.