windthread

i just wrote a long Thing about how the day went and then somehow obliterated it and i am going to take that as a sign that i didn't need to write it here.  

But just to say…it's a lot more complicated than  it might appear here and there is MUCH ambivalence and today he rallied and was more his usual self and it was difficult.  I am not such a kind and loving person as it might appear.  The truth is that he is a sentient being.  For whatever reason,  we find ourselves where we are today.  But just to make the picture True,  to what it IS,  there is great  ambivalence….many feelings…which do not preclude Compassion.

and i woke last night.  Goats were all awhirl,  all awake,  moving,  in the middle of the night.   Went out with the flashlight…nothing amiss…but they were AWAKE and MOVING.  All of them.  Tay and i sat a while and i looked up and the SKY,  the SKY was INTENSE with dark dark darkness and Clouds.  I tried to take a pic but it wouldn't happen.  The camera is having issues.  But i have never seen a Night Sky like that one.

 

one more mend

 

i didn't cut away the "frays",  just stitched them in and left a tail of them free

 

so two more major mends ahead.  and then,  you can see here,  that arm hole situation…that too

I am over at his house till Monday,  days,    so,  maybe.

Went OUT.  Tired.  Not physically,  but emotionally.  Drained.  and gave water to Goats,  to the vegetable people and was given this gift of

beingness

 

 

 

this is Love.

watering.  said…Please…wait for me…and ran in for the camera.  He waited.  I snapped and snapped and the camera isn't working great anymore and they were blurry and i went back Out and he had waited again and as i tried so hard to take a clear image,  he turned his face to me…turned his face to me and i didn't catch that,  but he did.  and this.    This is Love.

 

 

so.  Mending.   This is my favored yard dress this year.  The denim is so worn,  it's not at all like denim anymore,  just a soft cloth that breathes.   I put that pic the other day of the first mend.  There are for sure 3 more.   And then the arm holes where there Were sleeves,  but i'd removed them long ago,  but left the holes raw and they have worn in odd ways with washing.  I'll do something with that too.  Then we should be Good,  for a Good Long Time.  

So to take this with me today.  ok.

but i looked at the buttons…some generic ones,  utilitarian,  but for The Yard Dress of the Year…????   Buttons.

 

 

Mother of Pearl.  Fitting.  7 of them.   As far as i got.   He slept most of the day,  semi waking off and on and having something to say.  Some of which i understood,  some not.  His voice was soft.  The TV  is on just behind where i squat next the bed to listen.    Off and on he would want to sit up and use the urinal,  well,  not use the urinal,  but he wanted to pee,  which meant using the urinal.  Those times i would encourage staying sitting up a while.   But his question was,  What do we do Now?  i would not answer,  just be quiet.  One of those times he took off the ring that had belonged to his father and said  This is for you.   I said i would give it to Diane,  his "daughter",  but he said" no,  it's for you.  You helped me find it."  Which i had,  several months ago when it had come off his finger and we searched for days.  Finally finding it far back in the corner under his bed.  With the help of a flashlight.   He seems Elsewhere,  but remembers things very clearly.  

Today a schedule was reached between 3 caregivers for the next While.  All the hours are covered.  When i go will be Extra…an extra person,  care wise,  but to me,  to continue.  To Just Go.  Be the same old Face.   There is a feeling that he is ready.  Or beginning to do the work of ready.  OK.

 

before i left i did this as Blessing…pods from Doris' Snake Tree.

What am i thinking.  So much.  But really…it's most feeling like an affirmation of Karmic work.  The whole of it…might be called karmic obligation.  But obligation or not,  it feels necessary,  it feels as some kind of Given.  A Given to learn more.  A Given to move Through something.  There is some kind of freedom on the other side.

It was a good day.

 

 

 

 

Tears.   and this was part of the conversation with Wendy too.  That i don't cry.

I don't cry.

I have never cried.  ever.

Maybe i cried as a small child?  I don't know.  I don't remember if i did.

Did i cry as an infant?  I will never know.

 

i was gifted this.   It arrived FedX  last week.   i just look at it.  i haven't even taken one pencil out to "see".   I have just looked.    Lynda Merry of the blog,  i wonder,   has used them on cloth.  

i took some laundry with me today,  sheets, really,  to use the washer and dryer there…get it done.   there is so little

time

and i took "Her",  whoever she IS to me,  thinking i would stitch.  But when i got there i knew i didn't want Her in that vibe.  She had to stay outSide in the car all day.  I opened the windows so there would be some good air.  But i couldn't bring Her In.  couldn't.

watching Snowbunny dig her dust nest deeper and deeper and watching the rest of the nosing around in it and then also digging…

digging,  for Goats can indicate a need for minerals.   I have been lax in taking out Free Choice minerals for them.  Goats need/want copper among other minerals.  They don't do salt licks either like other livestock.  it's Free Choice minerals they need…comes like this.  They come and go from it,  just licking it out.  crunching.  i like the sound,  their crunching.

 

OOna was the first to come

then Arctica,  the only doe Goat here with natural horns

had a conversation with Wendy Golden Levitt a couple or a few or more days ago about being

Stoic

about the shadow side of that

have been thinking.

and today,  a degree of nightmare,  the Old Cowboy having 

fallen

last night.  His neighbor who goes over to "tuck him in" found him on the floor.  Fallen.  on the floor.  He didn't call me,  i don't know why,  so i found out about it this morning when i showed up.

So,….so…Stuff has moved into a different realm now.  

A day of frantic calling to voice mails for anyone who might be willing to help and no answers back and on and on and i am cancelling my work for the day and just staying there because there was no alternative but it drawing closer and closer to 3 oclock when the Goats have been "tuned" to pellets and rely on me,  rely on me,  rely on me and rely on me

and

and well…so much.

really, so much.  While i was sitting there and the Old Cowboy snoozing in his hospital bed,  and it nearing nearing nearing 3 oclock when i am THERE for these Goats,  and thinking….Goats/a person….who gets it?  Who gets what is necessary and i couldn't LEAVE but also i couldn't STAY

and no one, NO ONE was calling back who might Relieve me until suddenly i got through to BE LovEd  Eddy who said ok and yes…he would come.  and he did.  and i was able to come HOME,  some late,  but still

HOME

and i was hit flat in the face about how much i am coupled with HOME,  with the necessity here and Tay,  having been patient for her own limit shoves her face into my lap and EXHALES a HUGH exhale because i am finally Here

WHAT IS ALL THIS??????????????????????????????????????????????

WHAT IS IT?

 

the first of the Yellow Hots…Weda's.  that's phonetic…weda…Wedo…spanish  for light,  "blondie" light skinned.  I would be called Wedda..phonetic,  blondie.  The first Pepper.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

beginning this morning early,  driving in to see what was up with OCB.  Like yesterday,  the door is still locked so i let myself in,  he is still lying on his new hospital bed.  Softly.  He is lying softly.

the Update is that after the first night,  which was Friday,  when the Night Guy came,  he told him

NO.

that was the glitch.  He told him no.  Because nowhere inside him could he feel ok with paying someone $15 per hour to be there while they both slept.  It was $180 for one 12 hour night.  So…late Saturday he called,  telling me of his decision.  The Night Guy was still there, so i talked with him too.  No hard feelings, but OCB said no.  Not.  

OK.  now what.

When i went there Sat am,  let myself in,  he was just lying there,  on the new nice hospital bed in the livingroom.  I woke him by coming in.  But he stayed still and i went to sit near and he just talked.  It was soft.  and almost otherworldly.  a softness to it.  a just Telling of things.  And so i went back,  last evening to see how things were going.  They were OK.  I went across the street to the neighbor to report that he was once again on his own.  They will continue to go over at bedtime and see that all is well.  OK

This morning i went in again.  Repeat of yesterday morning, ….just this softness.   But then i just talked to him now,  it's almost dark and there is confusion.  Which changes things things for him and changes things for me.  OK.  I'd wanted to write some other things,  but after the conversation with him,  they have fallen away.  So maybe tomorrow.  Or Not.  we'll see.  

the cob web spider.  My ally in this EcoSystem.  he/she captures fruit flies  from the compost sieve.  You will need to double click.

 

another Big Storm and as i stitched,  the "flower petals" on "Her" head fluttered…watching this,  how Cloth was responding to what was Happening…………

 

so what to DO?  having been sensitized to strange storms from a while ago,  and having lucked out getting Apples?   Pie Crust.  OK.

i don't know where my pie plate has gone but lucky,  had this aluminum one and it worked ….PIE!

 

 

 

 

but before that

such a soft morning

 

 

 

 

snowbunny is making a dirt nest.

 

in mindlessness,  i patched a hole in my favorite "uniform".

 

in the pic above this,  my toes are swollen because of being bit by ants in the Old Cowboys driveway.

 

Here we go.  August.  2015.

it was brought to my attention that the Old Cowboy's endlife stuff might be Private.  So I thought about all that, all day as i was there AGAIN all day….and i thought about how he so easily tells his story to anyone at all that is willing to listen

 

all of Us,  no matter where we are on the continuum,  are dealing with or going to deal with      END LIFE stuff.   if we have partners,  someone is going to go first.  Parents,  they will go first.   so…All of Us.  and sometime it will be US that is in the going line.  Why should this be private?   I think.

 

 

This is August.  Last  year.  How similar to this present cloth.  August.  The month, for me,  since childhood of birth/death/birth/death/birth\/

today we got a hospital bed delivered.  It's IN PLACE in the livingroom.   Today we got Eddie,  who will spend nights.   Keep track of stuff when it all goes into disarray.  Already, we love Eddie.

I love Eddie so much because he  means that i can sit on the porch in the evening or i can go out and sing to the Goats in the evening or i can hold Tay close in the evening and talk to her in the nonsense language that she likes and understands.  

Old Cowboy will love Eddie because he is there.  When the gremlins come,  Eddie will be there.

 

It's just how it is.

Evenings into nights are delusional now.  Somehow halfway through his livingroom,  his house transforms into his childhood home in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.   a two story farm house,  where in the last three years of his mother's life,  they struggled.  Him and her.  She would go up and down the stairs dragging her tangled oxygen tubing,  getting stuck,  calling him.  He says it was Hell.  And here he finds himself.  It begins somehow halfway through his livinging room then on through a short hall way past the bathroom and into his bedroom on the left.  But somehow it becomes "Upstairs" where he has a cot.   He called late this afternoon because he had " torn the bedroom apart because there were "things" running around.  That there were 3 oxygen "hoses" and they were knotted and crushed."  When i got there,  his bedroom was just fine.   The bed hardly looked slept in since i made it yesterday.   His oxygen tubing was fine,  just lying on the livingroom floor.  So.   I tried not to go today,  tried to stay home.  Made it till about 4:30 give or take.   So we talked and kind of agreed,  as much as he can absorb and agree.  I hauled the cushions etc off his couch and got the neighbor to help me haul it to the garage.  Vacuumed the floor.  Tomorrow or the next day Hospice will bring a hospital bed and put it in the livingroom where the couch was.  This Might help.  Not so far to go.  Not "upstairs",  but just across from the diningroom table where he spends his day.  Next to his TV.   The door to the bathroom in sight.  Maybe this smaller world will seem more navigable to him.  We'll see.  Try it.  And if not,  will hire a night person which he DOES NOT WANT.  This however,  is not working.  OK.

Just before he called to tell me about all the chaos,  i'd been standing at the screen door,  looking out,  thinking.  Thinking that this is all way more than i'd bargained for and suddenly i actually looked

 

double click this

Looking back…directly and without blinking…..Wild Sunflower…and i thought OK. 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a little over a month ago,  this pic.  

Today,  we went to the bank.  A constant thread has been….What IF?  " what if I  "loose  it" and can't.  Who will pay the bills?"    A year now,  he worries.  We say yes,  ok,  we need to go to the bank.

Today, we did.  Neither of us was confident he would make it.  He is not doing well at all,  losing ground it seems, by the day.  So we knew it was now or never.   It was hard.  He was afraid.  Actually,  i was afraid.   But we DID it.  We went.  We got the Power of Attorney done.  DONE.  We made it back home.   

once he was back home,  the "bank clothes" taken off,  the oxygen back on,  sitting in his chair,  his beloved chair,  he asked   "  If you can,  will you help me?"  He meant, dying.  Going Through.  Just Going.  I said yes.  He asked  "what if you are not here?"  I said….then wait for me.  It takes 15 minutes.  I'll get there.  it was tender.   Tender.  is Tender a kind of love then?