windthread

Jude's talking about always thinking of becoming an Illustrator.  Drawing.  I did too.  But i became a dollmaker.

 

 

and i can say that.  I was a dollmaker.  

and if i went Back to Dollmaking,  i am sure i would be so much BETTER at it than i was … because of all that i have learned from Clothmaking.  Am thinking it might be really really Grand.

and she also offered the thought today that there is a sense now that time is finite.  She is younger than i am.  Younger of the Significant Years i think.  Her sense of finite will be come more sharp in a few years.

So.  What's the Point here?,  well,  i'm not quite sure.  But it is in this case particularly about what one chooses to do creatively,  but then also in this time for me,  relates back to the  Earthship New Mexico post.  Where have i Gotten To?   And  how do i FEEL about that?  And Why is it such a Thing to me to know this stuff?   Why can't i just trot along?  I'd really like to.  Just trot along.

the Maria Window Cloths have moved.  In the background you can see the Tea Dye Curtains and they came out much stronger than i had thought they would.  So…the Maria Cloths have for this moment become the Maria Traveling Cloths.  This one is now on the ordinarily blank wall by the Morning chair.

this is the part of it i love the BEST

 

two more Travelings

 

i got out the wool blanket that goes over the door to the Way Back.   in the past, it's been just pinned to hold it on the piece of quarter round that acts as a rod.   it was always falling off.  today i cut it to size, the blanket and stitched it.   Better.  Do you see that light coming through at the bottom?  That's also where COLD air comes in.   Either the door or the frame is warped.   This is an example of Not Normal.   Why would anyone in their right mind have a door like this?   It has sentimental value.

Hollyhocks after Grasshoppers

softness.

and i wasn't going to mention this.  But in keeping with recording the days….yesterday i heard that ODD whirring clacking sound.  Road runner.  and i went to the back door window to look…it was stalking.   What?,  i wondered?  Opened the door and went out onto the porch and there,  so close was a very small yellow kitten crouched against the fence.  so i threw a stick at the Road runner and when i turned the kitten was gone.   The day before,  there was a similarly small grey kitten inside the fence.  I picked it up and carried it out and held it so it called out and saw a cat come from around neighbor Margies fence.   i walked down there and set the kitten down,  walked away and turned to see the cat carrying away her kitten by the back of it's neck.   Good then.  But now,  when i went out to feed this morning,  that 7th sense said LOOK and lo and behold the yellow kitten.  Tucked in the shelf that holds all the tools.   As i crouched to speak to it of couse, Tay came and well, from then on it was a different story.  Kitten ended up under the horse trailer.  Tay circling and barking.  This went on for a while but then got quiet.  Tay gave up and the kitten was just still there.  It looks at me.  

it doesn't make sense to me why it chooses to be Here.  Next to Margies house there is that abandoned travel trailer where i think it was born.  and on the other side of me is the abandonded trailer that is a fine place for cats.  Why here?  So i don't know.  It would be good to have a cat in the Albatros with all the Goat feed there are billions of mice.   But i don't want kittens in there.  So if Yellow decides to live there,  i am hoping it is a he and i can neuter him.  He can stay.  If  Yellow is a she it will be harder to catch her,  but catch her i will.  Neuter again.  It's against Nature but i'll do it. So i am just hoping that the Yellow One will just decide for another place.  I'm not sure if i can manage one single more sentient being.

 

 

yesterday, when looking on the shelves for those curtains,  i pulled this off.  I didn't really remember i even HAD it. … one of the things i just buy at the thrift shop for 10 cents because it's Cotton.   So i had held it up to that window to see if it would go all the way across.  No, but 

this is what i SAW!

One side plain with a stain or two,  the Other, well….i think of Jude's definition of Magic,  Appearing and Disappearing and here it IS.  Just the difference of how the Light touches it

 

this is good.  To keep the human being congruent with the dog being,  the round turned edges of FACE wouldn't feel right.

i've never done this before…and i love it very much.   Just the Essence.   just this much.  i am glad i was able to TRY it because it's Right.  In keeping with reading all that i read and particularly the Plant Intelligence,  it most clearly represents the sense of it all that i am coming to be comfortable with.   Different ways to depict Forms.  Energetic Forms.  

this is good and right for what this Cloth wants to talk about.  Yes.

head is bowed

but still VIABLE

 

the first tea dye curtain.  i forgot and left it in long.  still wet here,  but darker than i'd planned

i was prepared, better,  this morning.   I'd washed this robe but it had still been hanging on the clothesline till last night.  Brought it in.  I made it from an old wonderful wool blanket in Jude's Contemporary Boro 2….totally following her directions for a rectangle based garment.  It could not have been more perfect.   As she taught us,  we made the measurements according to our own bodies.   The sleeves are the exact length to be warm but not fall into the dishwater or the burner on the stove.   The body is loose and comfortable but shelters for warmth.  I Could Not Love It More and this morning it was a welcome old friend.

so sitting in the morning chair in my Friend  with the little strange FishBird i put on it  of Integrated Applique …Jude again….i thought about Winter.  Thought about Wool.  How just a couple weeks ago, the thought of wearing wool would not have been possible but this morning was necessary.   and i thought W for winter, for wool and then it went on.  For winter, for wool, wood and woodstove.  For want and warmth while wandering in wonder of What and Why.  For weakness and the wherewithall to watch and witness.  For Winter, and waiting and writing words.

and Sun Rose at the new slant lighting Tay's Art Work ablaze.  Tay was in time out,  in her "house" because of not wanting Chinche to get any morning pets.

i fooled around with making curtains

 

upon which i will invisible baste my 4 most favorite Maria Cloths.  First, to tea dye the curtains.  Too white.  They are light weight but that will be ok.  I will need to put up the dreaded plastic anyway and  they will make that  beautiful and there can be diffused Light.

i never finished extending these.  

there, in plain sight was Barbara's broken off scur today.  It's completely hollow.  May or may not grow back.   

this one is now ready to be finished.

And i added to the Earthship New Mexico Post.  I'll just keep adding there as thoughts and days come.  A little at a time.

 

 

Cindy,  the Great and Best nurse at the Old Folks Home where Alz. B was had become my friend.  She had a stroke last week.  Only affecting her speech.  She's younger than i am.   Today she had to come to the Radiology Dept. at our local hospital for additional MRIs,   she lives an hour away.  She was there all day and needed company while there as they saw that she had had a Second stroke.  

She's been cleaning out her storage unit and brought me two oil lamps.  The light is efficient and very soft.  I lit it as i would a candle for her WellBeing.

 

 

i would bring it here as a POST of its own but don't know how….so just can refer back to it this way.

……………………………………………………………………*……………………………………………………………….

after hours of Thinking                                                                                                                                                                   .Finding self in what is beginning to seem to be an Involuntary ReView….or, maybe i should say a spontaneous one because i am willing,  I was amazed that Deb sent this "story" out of the Blue yesterday.  It hit me like a ton of bricks,  a ton of SunFlowers,  a ton of Goats

When i first came to N. Mex,  Madrid,  is where i ended up when i turned off the engine of the camper van.  (that i could sleep in, live in, really)  Same place she writes about here,  The Clown House.   I walked the wooden walkways up and down,  looking in all the artsy shops, picked the one i felt most at home with,   Tapestry Gallery,  and took the fiber figures that i was making in and asked for work.    The owner, Barbara Marigold said ok and would trade renting me a one room cabin on her land and in addition i would be her riding partner 3 days a week.  She would sell my fiber figures at 30% consignment.  I became shipping and handling,  painted signs,  changed displays, gardened around the shop, things like that.   And i rode with her on one or the other of her 4 Arabians up and down arroyos,  through knee deep mud of the Galisteo River bed.  I hadn't ridden since i was 19.  When i finally moved away,  she, being a woman of few words said:  "you did good.  you never fell off."  

so some of the details are different, but so much in this essay is the same,  and incredibly written.  It's just how it was.  It's what i remember,  what i lived.

What does this have to do with Anything?  It's that ReView thing.  Waking up the last 2 days to COLD  that takes at least an hour to warm up seems to have set it in motion.  Or it could be the dog trainer's words about too many Goats.  Or it could be feeling required to answer well meaning questions on the telephone lately that seem to have caused some unexpected well meaning questions from me to Me.  I don't know.

But i LOVE this essay beyond belief, i love this woman for writing it,  i love her skill of telling a True story and i love that it came to me through Deb Lacativa,  an inter~Net sister.

So what i am reviewing today:  I'm asking who/what was i then,  those almost 30 years ago when i came to N. Mex?  And what of that me remains in the me that i have come to be today?  This is the year that i will cross over into what i consider Real old age.  I am going to be 69 soon.

I LOVE her line….."The land is bewitching, dangerous, sexy.  She knows what she wants and you'll gladly give it to her,  all your blood and sweat and Years."  This is the truest thing i have ever read about New Mexico.

Her writing is superb, Stellar.  She tells the Truth  in a way that lays it all bare,  all there,  Just as it Is,  no more, no less.

to be continued

 

          

FRIDAY   11-7-2014  ………FURTHER THOUGHTS

FILTERS… How worlds that are worlds apart can butt up against eachother, so close but not touch…and not even be seen, really, if you don't think about looking, don't Choose to See.  Knowing that the other world is there but it remains invisible to the extent that it doesn't exist in your own days.  Thinking that the difference in time should be noted.  Reigh wrote this essay in 2012.  I relate to her words from maybe 1990.  Tho it IS all that it is,  things then were still not what they are today.  I wanted what New Mexico gave me then for my own personal sense of Bottom Line,  that sense of a basic equation for living.   Not for the sense of response to the Collapse that has become present in the ensuing years.  

 

SATURDAY MORNING  11/8/2014

I could have stayed more  "normal".  But that's all water under the bridge.  The question rising is:  Should i try to become more normal NOW?   Or  just keep playing it by ear?

I dreamed the Two Lovers Dream….an on and off recurrent theme all my life…choosing which one,  not wanting to hurt the other….and in this one last night,  it was the old lover i lived with for around 7 years whose parents were very wealthy and wanted me to marry him and give them a grandchild and if i did,  they would take care of everything forever.   In the dream there was a moment when my face was just touching his and i remembered his scent and there was just this moment of breathing each other,  so softly,  so gently,  so ……….in such a RIGHT way and i thought how none of the  loves ever sustained that kind of connection.  That i had never really, in my life, known loving in that way.  So i'm thinking about it this morning.  How many of us DO experience that,  a kind of exchange that is free of everything but this soft and Complete exchange of nothing but breath.

 

 

 

i need to get more specific,  but this much so far from an Email from Maria:

"the rag on the right side of the seat, a piece of linen trousers with purple dahlia

the square in the middle with blackberries

the right yellow with meadow sweet and fern,  pounded…neither Maria or me remember the correct word in the moment

the red one,  a big lot of gladiolas, bundled, steamed and put in glass jar covered,  sit in Sun for a few days.

as i said.  i have specific Wonderings.  Soon.

double running back stitched a lot.   and some thread beads.  and invisible basted down the Imaginal Things with a single invisible baste….just to SEE.  I felt Extremely Good doing these things.

 

some change.  Last night was COLD.  This morning there was a sheer glaze of ice on the Goat water,  but  still,  we Go.   I ASKED this plant if i could 

Touch it…i will say IT because i don't know any better,  it, i asked and the plant said yes.  i did.  I put my fingers on the "stem".   

the angle of the Sun is rapidly changing and late day it illuminated Patricia's First Iris that is on the wall just to the right of me as i peck away on this keyboard.  This pic does not do it justice…the edges were luminous

and in the interests of Full Disclosure,   

behind that Oval Frame is this.   It's an electrical outlet.  A Few times  different people have looked at it and been mystified by it…the outlet cover has been long gone.  And maybe 2 years ago i covered it with this duct tape because of mice.  Well,  this is the Year of the Mouse again.   Sometimes they get caught in my Tin Cat mouse trap,   and driven a ways down the road and set free,  but almost everynight,  another one(s) are busy here and since cat Tazmeena has retired,  i am not sure what to do.  But last night i had left a pork chop bone on the counter.   During the night maybe around 2 A.M.  there were very LOUD sounds and i lie there in bed thinking something much Bigger than a mouse must have found its way in.   It continued.  So i got up and crept and listened and YES it was from behind that Oval Frame and i flicked on the light and there….the pork chop bone.  Having been dragged really far for a mouse.  Far and it was half way pulled under the bottom part of the duct tape…

Sigh.

 

 

 

Opening.  Just so small an opening,  but a glimpse of Inside those protective outer leaf things….just a hint of what is Inside.   And i think how, really, it is very Wonder FULL that there is Only One.  I have never looked so closely,  looked so Well.   So i am so grateful for this Opportunity

COMING BACK AFTER CLICKING "publish"  and looking by double clicking……

I am on my knees grateful to have had this opportunity.   To watch this single SunFlower's Work sometimes several times a day.  I have never done this before.  Always i just planted seed.  They grew or they didn't.   But in looking here, at This ONE,  the slow deliberate Life that is Happening.  I need to get really still with this.  I need to SEE what i am Looking at,  i need to ,  what?, ….i need to…I need to Something that i don't even know what that IS yet.  But i need to.

 

again, already a work away day and so little time, really,  but something i wanted to look at.  To see if this will work to depict the "metaphysical background" that Buhner talks about,  the Dreaming of the Earth.  I don't know.  I 'll continue to look through tomorrow,  maybe baste down with one stitch…they are very small dream fragments,  very,  but the pins distract a lot.  

I went to pick up a load of grasshay  at 5:15.  When i got back,  it was so Dark i could barely see to back the truck in through the gate.  Here we Go.  

 

 

it began this way.  One of Maria's  Cloths is pinned to the curtain behind the computer screen because at this time of the "year",  Sun drifts lower and the light is too direct,  not overhead where it's been,  but closer and closer to eye level.    My eyes want a filter.  

But then,  not a whole lot later,  it became Dim.  The forecast had been for rain in the late day and evening,  but it began around 1 oclock and then continued.  Not just raining, but ThunderStorm.   So the day that was imagined to work OutSide became the day to be a little broody InSide.  

 

i began experimenting with the rootlets.  am not sure what color,  or how exactly they will go,  but it wasn't working that well,  my eyes needing REAL Sun light to judge color and as i said,  today it was dim.   

There's something going on with Snowbunny's butt hole.  She has sticky poops. And it's a little puffy.  This is off and on and everytime it's really noticable,  i think maybe i should call the vet.  But then,  next time i look, it's ok enough.  Maybe she has a hemoroid.  sp.

Significant CHANGE on a dim day….a "neck".    And the very clear presence of other possible blooms.

 

i don't remember taking this last night…???….but it was here this morning so i must have.  And i dreamed,  nothing really different than is common,  but it left me with a very strong Knowing.  Not a statement, like the Narrator Dreams,  but a very very STRONG conviction that i got up with, to write down because i didn't want to lose it.   I think i can't give words to it, really,  but it's important to try.   The nights dreaming ended with me coming "back" "home"  from somewhere.  I have a young child with me.  I am carrying a dust pan.   As i approach,  i can see through the windows that there are Many people inside,  one in particular and i try to think of who he is,  thinking all these people are friends of my dead husband, the Maniac.    A party, kind of.  So i raise my dust pan as a sign of ….of what?,  ….of   well,  a sign of something.  And the door opens and i realize that they are police who have raided my home and the Maniac and his friends are just taking it as an "Oh Well" moment,  but i stand there,  with the child,  with my dustpan.   Waiting to see how they, the police, are going to View  ME.   Will i be arrested too? Guilty by association   Or will they "Understand" what my story was/is?

and that's when i woke.   What i was Given from this dream is that our Stories are so Deeply Woven, so Complex,  so so  deeply woven and complex  that they could not possibly be told  in just some paragraphs,  or pages.  Hours or weeks or months.   That if you would ever want to know someone's Story,  if you would ever ASK them about it,  you should need to be prepared to listen for days and months and maybe even years.  You should be prepared to LISTEN to ALL of IT,  all the seemingly fragmented threads and keep listening,  keep paying such close attention that you become familiar with the fragmented threads and begin to see how they tangle to become the whole,  to become  the Experience of the Story.  And if you are not prepared to do that,  you should not ask.  Because asking anyone for a fast and simple answer is really,  wounding them.  Because they will try to answer you with as much truth as they can pack into a sentence or two,  but…really,  it diminishes What It Took to SURVIVE something with some shred of self left to ……Just Go.

Liminal.  When the veil is thin.

 

Just before light,  there were Shrill sounds Out there.  I pulled the Blue Aluminum  chair over to the fence and could see shapes.  As light came the sounds continued and the Doe Goats had created their Arc of Alert…all lining up in a curve facing the Unknown.  Back Out, i see this.  A black pony.  Pony meaning full grown horse of small stature.  He is a stallion.  Escaped.  And running the fence line right next to us,  making those two horses crazy.  Back and forth.  Those sounds.  

 

 

after a while two trucks come.  they block the road on both ends, crosswise and a man with a lasso deftly catches HIM and drives away,  his arm out the window of the truck,  the Pony running along side., captured,  screaming.

so the Roots