windthread

i have watched this over and over.   Utube     The Last Repair Shop 2024       Oscar Nominated Documentary Short

Those first months i came here to this Hill,    there were Ferns mingling with the Poison Oak that prevailed.   It was such a joy to see them.   There are no ferns in the desert.   The forests of Michigan,  the state of my birth,  and particularly the Upper Peninsula  which is held by the Great Lakes is forests of Pine and Fern.   In short time,  the Goats ate both.   All that's left is these in the still closed off forest that used to be TenZen's and then Nogals.   Just these…but i find them here again,   this week.

a story.

trying once again to explain to Wendy,   Wendy Golden Levett,  she who so graciously offered and IS facilitating the  Therapy Group i wanted,            but really,   trying to explain it to my Self,    i hear self going on like a broken record but then say

in the past,  i would have tried to Fix it,   to come up with something different or new to fill the gap that i've created but i don't.  I don't.    I am resistant.    She catches that.   resistant.    Says…do you know what that is?,  the resistance?     No.   She: Depression.   and i think….NO!….that couldn't be it.   and i am  resistant to even the thought of resistance.   But i  trust her and so…went off to read days about depression,   the arch of it until i find Kazimierez Dobrowski  who spoke of Existential Depression…the disintegration of self,  the losing touch with life goals and values that were previously important and feeling detachment,  losing interest in previously enjoyed activities,   losing one's sense of self……         Me?    

and i think how i am lost.   How the only thing that has held my uhhhhh,   my  Urge has been Deb G.'s   Good Enough Quilt…how it helped me go find the Spirals,  the log cabin spirals that i am intending to make into the 3 blankets,   only her quilt    and i looked on the sidebar here at the Shop,  at what i'd made in the past,  and i did love them,  those Cloths,  DO love them,   but there is Zero urge to continue

something is just     Done.

Spirals.   Spiraling back.    Ferns.   Drifting.   Looking.   Drifting ,   the child at the creek,   and then the one of me that would continue in odd ways….but needing Persona to create a sense of Self in the world,  but then the undercurrent of the drift and i remembered  a couple days ago,   how every year i would save my vacation days from work for the two weeks camping at the mouth of the Hurricane River on  the shore of Lake Superior,  the greatest of the Great Lakes…the WILD one,  same as an Ocean,  those campsites of Pine and Fern of stretches of beach where i would go….on hands and knees,   finding stones and every evening for two weeks,  Every Evening,   sit and watch as the shore spiders spun their threads among the stiff grasses to hunt their food and by morning they would be GONE and by evening they would begin again,  over and over….such a simple stunning ACT of Life 

and i remembered then…..how the year of 1987,  August 16, 17   What they were calling the Harmonic Convergence…when something amazing was supposed to happen and i forgot,  what it was?   What was it that was supposed to happen?  Because it didn't…happen….but what was it and so i Googled   

Harmonic Convergence   the worlds first synchronized global peace meditation coinciding with an exceptional alignment of Solar System,  marking celestial alignment of Sun, Moon and 6 planets as part of the Great Trine              and what is a trine?,  i wondered so i Googled Trine and read    a strong usable tension that may integrate between two different areas of your life, offer a turning point where an important decision needs to be made that involves opportunity at a cost.     put that in italics   opportunity at a cost      Traditionally a trine is extremely beneficial.  It indicates harmony, ease and what is natural.  A trine may invove inate talent or ability.   In transit an event may emerge from a current or past situation in a natural way.   Wikipedia  

in a natural way….twice

and i thought how reading this coincides with Susan Salzberg's  Real Happines Meditation Challenge of which today is day 3  and how so very SIMPLE her daily practices are….5 minutes.   5 minutes and me…how many years it's been…my erratic Buddhist Practice   because of my busy Persona   and how 

i want to Quit.   i want to Quit that Persona.   I want to go down to the Creek,   get that child  that was so fiercely,   fiercely what????   so fiercely herSELF….i want to go get her.  Let her get me.   Take her by the hand.   GIVE my hand to her,  and we will continue together now doing i have no idea what.    But it will belong to US.   Like those strands of web that belonged to the spiders,  every day.   Over and over.   I will take her/me to sit with these Ferns here.   and we will talk about the salamanders at the creek that saved my life.  Their soft moist  weightlessness in the palm of my/her hand.     Maybe nothing more than that     Who knows?   

I feel really really Good.

so…if you wonder.   This is what i took to the Gathering at the Well today.   It is different for each of us.   We sit in Witness to one another's lives and go deeply into ourSelves  to become more.   Just       to become more.   Alive.   Real.   and….yes,   Happy.   Like in Metta.   Like that.   

 

^{what are we SUPPOSED to do with days?    I'm not sure the meaning of this pic to me.   Was the day Emrie was home from school with a fever.  I've kept going back to look at it…..what is it that it's telling me?    I hung out with her.   Now and then we talked.   But for the most part,  this was how it was with her.   Self sufficient.  i looked off,   into the sky,   the  trees,  my own mind….self sufficient.     We were.}   

a moment…..break……… through the thick overcast         just a moment but is enough to hold,     i think ,    at 9:36 a.m.

and then……….somehow,   the WHOLE DAY   was     SUN

the weather app is almost 100%  always correct…..but today the forecast was RAIN    just    RAIN    but it  didn't happen!,   instead the SUN remained and was  this same GLOW all day.   Such a Gift     and i thought….what "should" i do with such a Glorious Day ?????          and  i thought….how strange a question…..what should I DO?    What about just being so GLAD?    

 

maybe about a 1/4 of the road up?   the Big Gate ,  Carefree Way,   is  behind  me?     A short time this morning before RAIN which might be an atmospheric river,  might not       Alyssia  brought Groceries…. on foot.  this afternoon.  in the Rain.    Will remain some days till we drive it.  On the right,  the black is the GeoGrid   .   No agreement about its use at this point.  Jenny remains determined,  Alyssia does not see its  worth ,  the expense and effort.    among groceries,  all new Indian Spices.   Broccoli.    I still don't know many things.  So  I'll just cook for a while.   Eat.     I really want broccoli.     Tomorrow…..Salzberg's  Happiness Challenge.    February l

 

hold the day.    Warm.   Glowing.   Full.             Thought to try again,   placing the Spirals ,  ie  pinning them "in place"  But there was a breeze and they would not be taught   No way around it;   either on a wall or a floor.          Am doing this when there was one of those moments when it's just suddenly  Electric.   He'd been turning to cut the curve in further and suddenly   

i see both of them standing at the side of the tractor,  standing but not standing,      pushing against it as it is tilting against them.  As it began to tilt he'd turned it off,       jumped out         and they are just standing there,  pushing against it as it is leaning sideways.   The Tension is palpable.  It's going to fall.  They are not big people  and standing there,  standing is not the word,  leaning ,    pushing against this huge piece of equipment to keep it upright     holding their breath    there was dead silence and then i yelled…..RUN,   just RUN    and Alyssia said how she does in the calm way she says anything,   GET IN IT and TURN IT ON.   He darts around and does and she says   TURN WHEELS STRAIGHT and GO…SLOW SLOW GO   STRAIGHT   STRAIGHT    and he does  and  it does not fall.   She is not crushed in front of her child's eyes.    and it was over.   He continued that curve,   she continued to rake.   I sat and stared,  my mouth hanging open.   We did not talk about it.   Haven't yet.   

 

 

 

she had a fever.  no school.   but….this for a few minutes.   kinda school.   a Front Loader with Box Scraper.      and then.   crushed rock.   Tomorrow again.     if it happens,   i will be able to go IN and OUT the road.   She watches her mother do these things.

have never seen something like this before.   don't even know how to look it up.    Right there,  next to the driveway,  maybe 10ft up the trunk.   Direct sunlight when there IS some…..    and today there was.   Glorious,  pure,  strong  SUN.   All day.  

i remember who i was.

this evening,  a bevy of Quail in the Doe Forest.    at least a dozen.   A moth fluttering,  lighting,  fluttering at the roof rim of the Curry House.   We talked about the Someday new  herd members.   That was very.    very.   good.    Most likely we will get 2 bred does.   Let them begin their contingent from that….probably at least 4 kids  born here.   We looked at the milkstand from N Mex.   The kids will learn.   Goat kids.   Human kids.   Learn.

 

 

it's letting up.     Today is the third day of no rain.   There will be some more,  but  no longer         rain Season.     There's a long list.  We walked the fence lines and they cleared two fallen  trees with the chain saws and re attached the fencing.   I wandered and looked at    the   multitude of Beauty FULL   lines and shapes the  branches form …how amazing it would be to draw this image,  line after line,   how so FULL the reality of the LIFE  both past and present would  flow through the marks  of the pencil.

i think about this.   I could.    I could make a print of this pic and actually do that.   What would i LEARN?  How more fully would i   "know"   this Doe Forest?   Minnow ran and flew through ,  over trees,  and a couple times over fences.   I think how her life has changed.  

and then….the planning,   the thinking…..this next week the rental  heavy equipment will be delivered,   the rockgravel.   Road up,  which has washed out in places be graded and the stones spread.   More thought tomorrow and maybe it's when the Geogrid gets put to use.   Jenny had bought it the first year and it's waited.   I think it's time is now.   There are many things on that list but before any of them,   the road up.      and down.    and back up.    Right now,  you can only drive half way.   and then need to BACK down.   This is what Alyssia has been doing with my ice/groceries/batteries etc.   AND  the bales of feed and 100 lb bags of pellets. …drives half way then pulls them the rest of the way on the "sled".    So.  here we go.    Our lives.

 

a Spring Peeper Song  X   many     M A N Y

 

The Gathering at the Well.         Some housekeeping.      Some of Us who had wanted to participate     for whatever   reasons,  have not been able to.         It's been 6 months now.      Wendy suggested that we send out the invitation again in case anyone is now interested.    We meet twice a month on Saturdays.    Each of us bring our own Work.    It's a Therapy Group,   as different from a Support Group.   Therapy Group.   We Work.    If you are interested,  you can contact me or Wendy by Email….

wendygolden@rogers.com   .     We are magnificant.   We go deeply into who we are becoming.   We surprise ourSelves.     We are Love as a verb.   

and then,  today,   Beth    of Still Life Pond     sent me this:   Sharon Salzberg's   Real Happiness Meditation Challenge 2024   Feb l  ~  28th.   just Google.   I'm signed on.   Hope maybe you will too.

Love to You this beauty FULL    SECOND DAY of NO RAIN   Love and Love