windthread

looked everywhere…but no….not.   But i was somehow sure i would have brought it.   I left a lot of caste iron behind.  I'd given up.    today,  while looking for something else….there it was….under the house,  all hidden with dry grasses, dirt,  leaves.  Ta DA! i should have taken  her pic   in the beginning….SO MUCH rust….this is after some work.   There's many YouTubes on restoration.  Tomorrow will begin in earnest.    For my Tortilla making.   

The longer we are gone from New Mex,  the more we reminisce and ache for the food.  There are mexican restaurants  here,  a zillion food trucks with great street food but none…NONE….as good.   New Mexican food is food of the Gods.    I used to get the most elegant thin delicate tortillas from the Food CoOp in Albuquerque.   And when i wasn't cooking so much,  there were places in Socorro,   even the deli at the SuperMart Grocery that were Enough.    For a long time now Alyssia and i have longed for a really good breakfast burrito.   Sophia's,   just as you get into town …Socorro….a drive through…that i'd stop at on my way to some job.   Everything about those breakfast burritos was FINE but basic to anything you might put in them….the tortilla.     I only tried some few times and i think,   didn't really try because i could get them elsewhere.   Here,  there is no elsewhere and so,  my mission is to Learn.   I watch YouTube after YouTube.  the ingredients could not be more simple.   It's the 

technique

how you Love and Handle your dough

so…we'll see about how this griddle goes.  not a Comal,  but …..she's mine and what i have and that has meaning.  

it feels GOOD to think of these things in this world of so much sorrow.   

 

 it's been awhile since i've been to B Garden.   There's some disarray but also…these were waiting.   Garden needs me.  and i need  Garden.    

 

Just Jenny came today.   She and I.   a Work Day.   some chainsaw work but mostly digging.  Shovel full by shovel full.   Her.   I sat near and we talked.    about the War,   about the involvement of the United States in conflicts over the years,   about looming presidential possibilities,   Roe  v Wade,  my abortions,  her attempt at getting one,  her  menopause now,   her father,  brother,  her job,  what's next for this Hill,  about Talkie,  what to do,   about her kids…Alyssia and Jeff and then their kids,   gender and gender reassignments,   how some things are with her and her man,   food we like and food we want to try,  to mention a few.  None of it in any "heavy" way.   Easy.  Conversational.   for some HOURS.   While she dug.   At one point i  needed to come back up to the "house" and asked…can i bring you anything?  and she said     "the meaning of life.  if you find it,  put it in  a baggie, so i can keep it for later".  

yesterday i became enamored with the word   Version.   I googled.   "a particular form of something differing in certain respects from an earlier form or other forms of the same type of thing."     I think…how everything is Versions of  one Lived Thing    ?

i am so grateful for this day.

.

 

 

 

this morning….

Some of the Doe Goats have long full beards.   There is a kind of grass that sends out millions of very sticky prickly seeds,  tiny,  that tangle in them as they brouse  .   They stand…very still,  and Talkie fastidiously snaps them away.   Grooming.  Mutual.

the GOOD thing Talkie continues to do.   

then….there's all the rest. 

Talkie has always been a little mean.   Would chase the kids.   At one point,  we got them pool noodles to keep with them as they played,  in case she would be Coming For Them…they could ward her off with their pool noodle.   and then…it wasn't so much an issue.  for a long time.     She has "trained"   Puppy.   Puppy can only come here…by the door…Care Fully….she dashes from somewhere and skidds across the table to eat from her bowl out there.    When i am sitting somewhere and she comes to be petted,  she keeps an eye out for Talkie who will come from nowhere,  head low,  her wings outstretched and     Bite

a Bite from a chicken is a sharp sudden kind of painful peck from a strong beak…sometimes draws blood but not usually

She has discovered that she can intimidate Minnow.

there is that old lawn chair from Alyssia's that Minnow could sit in to snooze when the ground is wet from rain…No More

Talkie jumps up and bites her.   Minnow no longer even thinks about the chair.   

Talkie patrols the area infront of the door.   No one gets to be here but her.  She shits on the steps.  Before i go out,  i look.

she bites me too…but i'm on to her…also watchfull,  can kick dust and make the Chitt Chitt  sound that says Go Away.  i'm big.  

so what do you do?   when there is a mean Chicken bully?    Alyssia belongs to a local Chicken FaceBook page and she posted that question there…we waited for Admins to ok it but it was a few days and Alyssia looked further and saw that it's been since October that there have been any new posts…so….that's not going to help.   

What SHOULD we do?    What CAN we do?

in Alyssia's neighborhood in town there are free roving chickens.   Maybe we set Talkie loose there?….to seek her Karma?

 

ok.

standing just at the gateway to the expanse of Radical Acceptance.   I see that it is vast.  That things come into focus and then fade,  only to return in a different way.   I know only that I have a limited understanding of how things work here.  I know that i can learn.  I know that i WANT to learn.    I've brought my Stuff with me.  Love  Hope  Fear  .   They need to be left outside.  I can come back to them any time.    As many times as i need to.             This is how i  imagine it.    

i don't know if anything else will go onto this page.   There's that vague line of landscape   and on the right,   rain,  Sky Water.   i also see a very large close Sun on the left.  maybe that.   maybe that with the inktense pencils.  

and along with this i'm reading   The Future We Choose     The Stubborn Optimist's Guide to the Climate Crisis        Christiana   Figueres and Tom Rivett~Carnac           Ok.   

the longest i've ever left it.    For days….a few weeks,   i think…today.   But then i didn't.   Today i did.

there are some people who like spiders.   a lot who don't,  really,   who are creeped out by them.   How they have so many legs,  go so fast,  are sneaky…hiding then popping out

These Cellar spiders,  there are two,  have worked diligently to construct this elaborate world   Day after day.  Housemates.    and i think,   a bad choice on their part….not much to eat in here for all this work.   An occasional fly.   Some very small night flying insects that are drawn to the lamp light.    OutSide would be much better.   I try to catch them with  the jelly jar glass and  post card method so i can send them outside,  but they elude me.   So…finally,  today.  The broom.   Gone.   They ran up into the blinds.   Tomorrow theyll begin again.   Their lifespan is 2 years.

2023   The new little space heater .    Over there ….directly in my line of vision from my spot at the Table.   It's black and……

red

disruptive to the odd Aesthetics   here but it works.  Cuts the edge of the morning cold.   Works on the small 1 lb propane cylinders .     

i looked up at the corner shelf of stuff overhead and saw this cloth…Deb Lacativa damask

 

this makes me smile.   Tell self…it's only for a few months.        

back to that drawing…11~24…..when i wondered who would i draw now?   How would the woman be different?   What's after

Agency

Where is she?    and today this little cloth surfaced and i thought….like this,  maybe.     An     Awareness.   Just PART OF.    No longer any urge to be Singular,   but the interest is in being PART OF.   and         integral.   

i'll leave it again with no picture.

what i want to say here is difficult because i need to say it with so few words.   But i also want to say it.  So,  i'll just try.

Yesterday when i arrived at Alyssia''s,    Jenny was just outside there and said….How was your meeting?

but then immediately    corrected to     i know it's not a meeting,   How was your Group?   and i said something like,  Intense and very Beauty Full   and she was still "there",  indicating,    waiting   if there was more,  and i said     my offering for the day was how i'd been thinking about  Love.   About Love as a verb.   How i say Love Love and  then more,   I love you   and what does that MEAN?   to those i say it to and what does that mean  really,  to me?   and she was still looking at me…..so i went on and said…..i used You as an example,   saying something about how i have never figured out a way to love you,  or, …….. express love     that i think you are comfortable with,     and at that point the kids  burst upon the scene and  we went on into the house

and     i thought…uh~oh       and then the day went on so Well.    and there was less of    ummmmm,   the edgy humor  that usually is present,   and NO what we refer to as Sub Text to the exchanges  and it was such a Good Good Day

and then……….today.   They came to finish up the immediate things needing to be done in preparation for the Rain Season.  Brought more bedding straw and put it in the Rain House.   We talked it through and decided to bring the other calf hutch that was Sunny Ray's out and find a place for it in case there was a Goat needing shelter….OOna probably             and she looked at the Thing that's going on with Oona's  udder and butt hole  which is a typical End Time thing  occurring with old  doe Goats.  How do we want to deal with this  and the conversation was Easy and Long and Slow and Gentle.   She is pragmatic by nature but it was Easy and Long and Slow and Gentle  and….when she called me to look at something,  she called me MOM and not Graaaaace.    

and this is what i want to say

if this were a perfect world in the way i might imagine it could be

there would be a World Wide Group Therapy.   We would meet,  ALL OF US,  in our own little communities,  but somehow also World Wide.   on one day.   every two weeks.   When we would be our most authentic selves….no fear.  trusting.   and Wendy would facilitate.   and just that.   just that.   could bring about change….where we all could become more easy and long and slow  and gentle.      and it would ripple out    become many things.    This i Wish today