windthread

what is the difference between sadness and grief?

Alyssia and Jeffrey came this morning to bury OOna.   It had been supposed to happen yesterday,  after the kids Christmas but things went on and dark comes so early and they ran out of time.   so they came this morning .  She was just there,  i'd covered her with the Walnut Sheet and the pretty india import bedspread.   They came early,   taking her down on the little sled thing to where Jenny had dug that grave a week or two ago when we saw the wound to her udder.   It was too early for me,  but i'd Fed the Others and just was there,  squatting,   turned away as they decided if the hole was big enough….i listened to them and at some point asked…is she In?   and yes,   and i was flooded with a rush of Sadness.   Dear and Best   Beauty Full Oona

and all day i thought about the difference between Sadness and Grief.   i have Sadness today.   I think there will not be Grief.  Oona's life was long and GOOD.   She will be very missed as a Leader.   But she couldn;'t anymore.   It was the  wound to her udder but it would have been something else.    That's tonight.   we'll see how it is tomorrow.

I love you OOna….Beauty Full You.

i need to give the remaining days of this month to………….what can i call it?……..positioning mySelf?   maybe.   But to  Questioning.  or,  Looking more closely at where i am so far so that some good Questions might arise?    And it very well may be that it might not be       Pretty    or    lighthearted     or   any kind of Fun.   So you might want to skip it till February.    I want to take things down closer to the bone.  Let go of familiar stories that i have and do rely on.  Seeing if they  hold true or just make things seem easier.  My propensity for procrastination….i'll think about that ………later    And in keeping with this,  in her email before each Gathering….this being before yesterday's Gathering,  Wendy said    "  questions become the delight,  not the answers.  What blooms is often the alchemy of suffering and joy.  We shall see what that looks like for each of you."

Again,  what the Gathering gives me to carry forward  ,     is the work of  Radical Acceptance and now,  rippling into the Sacred Pause.   There is much more,  but these are easiest to give words to in this moment.      and,  examples:    Last night,  at 8 something oclock,   a SOUND out there…not expected,  and so  for a few times,  confusing,  but then  ….  Goat.   Distress.      I have thought all my life about dying,  my sister having died when i was 7 years old.  I've read a lot,  thought a lot,  Lived a lot…? about dying and am pretty ok in it all.   Pretty ok.   What does that mean?,  pretty ok.?   And that was the Question last night.   i'd taken rice straw bedding over to put under the house where OOna had chosen to be her sleeping camp….which was a surprise,  but wise on her part…,  Rain,  and cold,   so i  put the bedding after she was up and coming for her separate feeding.    Later in the day as i passed by i looked and Lo and Behold,  there was…not OOna in there,  but Arctica…!? and i worried that she wouldn't  allow OOna to come in.  Knowing there was no way to control any of that,  there was still the nagging concern of What Now for OOna but when i went out to Feed in the morning yesterday……they were BOTH there….the warmth of their bodies in the straw and i was so Happy to see this,  surprised….but then           at the Evening Feed….no OOna…and i let it go again….Out of my Control and just left her food there        and then…..that calling in the dark.    It was time.   I can go on about this.   It was over 2 hours.   I tried to find where it was coming from but the battery in the Fat Max flashlight was weak and when i went out,  the calling would always stop and walking around in the dark in the Doe Forest is not wise and i finally had to just face it.  I could hear my heart beating in my ears       and i KNEW there was nothing i could do             And Mind worked hard but i realized  there is way more work to do about

death

today i went to Alyssia's  for the kids to have their  Christmas with Emrie and Julian back.   The hug from Emrie was LONG and SOLID,  a kind of Force Field in it,  from it.   so much going on and i thought about my feelings re her coming back….how i'd realized that WHY i wanted her back so much was partly because there are things i want her to know…about how we live.  Why we live this way.   And it's TIME for more Thoughtful Effort on my part…to not take her for granted…..take our time together for granted  

so these kinds of things.   That's where i am right now,   where i'll be in these next days of January.   February will be here soon enough,  more Light,  less Rain,  warmth       the beginning of the Garden Season,  season of Creating,    and i'm guessing there will be cloth too.

and then…the thing of Prayer.   What about it.   That little saucer bowl in the pic.   I want to put little pieces of paper in it with just a few words…kinda like the fortunes in Chinese Cookies….         They will spill over.     I think about Nancy's posts…Pomegranate Trail,  where she always ends with her    "May you…." s        My prayers are kinda  like that.   May you   May I   May We   May the planet        I want to understand more of this,   take some time.   

 

just a little.  every morning.   just to Keep in Touch

a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection

 

sent by Tia Yesi.   She and the dad took Emrie to the mall.    And last night i Faltered with Radical Acceptance…not crashed,  but faltered.    All while she's been there she hasn't wanted to talk on phone.   They ask…do you want to call your mom?….  No.   When she has gotten on because someone else is talking to Alyssia,   it's been      Hi,  I love you,  bye.     That worked for a few days….but it's gone on.   Yesterday,  Alyssia got on the plane to go get her.  They come back tomorrow.   and on late into the day she was there…no phone…..and i thought,   faltering,    What If she wants to

stay

what if  the close to Disney production she walked into there is just SO GREAT….how they all have come up with such great and wonder FULL things and she has been the absolute CENTER of Everything for 2 weeks…non stop….no down time….What if a Hill  doesn't 

compare?

to eating out all the time,  going to Amusement Parks ,  an ocean,   malls for shopping,   riding in a new Jeep with a sun roof you can stand through ,  a stepMom who has turned out to be some kind of dream come true as has your         DAD.   How they are getting married.    going to make a baby.   who would be your sister or brother   all the Aunties,  the Abuela  the brother Aiden

it was about 10:30 last night when Alyssia called.   saying        She's ready.   She's really ready to come home.  

 

all baskets are        hand made.

made by hand       a human being's    hands.      This one…..from the Socorro NM thrift shop,   how many others have had it before me?     What all has it     held?      Who made it?     with their       hands      Where were they?     What did they make it     for?   

off and on,   when i could.   for the New Year.    When i finally lived alone in New Mex.   sometimes.   Just me.   and today,  belated due to circumstance,   Alyssia and i.   When she picked it up some days ago,  we debated on how much and i said i want more than i can eat.    Each box has 4 clusters.   we got 3 boxes.    and it was more than i could eat….i am amazed to say…..i thought i could eat crab legs into eternity….   A box went back to her house for Jeff…which assuaged my guilt for not including him but that would have meant his kids too and we were feeling selfish,  and her,  childless for the last day,         We were like two raccoons down at the creek.   next to no conversation,  just the intense focus on cracking open shell and scooping out the succulence.   She made a complex butter sauce.   

thinking about imagination.    Where is mine?   and,  really,   what does she even look like…or  maybe better use the pronoun They…..    so…how do you find out?…..pencil to paper.        so,  here,  talking,   whatever that might be like?    Want to spend some time with this.    They are sitting.   on rocks.   but i didn't have time for the rocks….was Feed time      so,  and,  because i am not good at rocks,  i want to take some time.   Maybe tomorrow?   

'

when i looked the other night at the little leaf on the moon night light,   i also saw this small glass vase in the background.    It's for water when i use the Inktense Penciils.  Saw how care less i've been…it was all clouded by calcification etc.    and i  stopped.  Got the Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar from way back in that shelf ,  filled and left over night.      It is now all    CLEAR and Beauty Full as it can be.  It makes me happy.

Small things.

Moving into the next.

What i come away with from 2023.    It's been an odd year.   I just STOPPED doing some things.  I could not say why…even to my self.             and then….as fate would have it,   that off handed "wish"  became the Gathering at the Well.   Beginning in July.

i would never have dreamed what it became and continues to BE ….  which is what i bring into this New Year called 2024 ….which has become Everything.     Radical Acceptance    that has now also rippled spontaneously into     Sacred Pause.   

As i go along i am going to try more to give "examples" of what these terms mean to me        So, the first here…..radical Acceptance,  is the reality that we do ,   DO,   have an aging herd of Goats and Oona is now the next who will be leaving us.  She had begun to leave the herd some weeks ago….keeping distant at feed times,  some from her own sense of things,  some from being "bullied" by others.   It's how it goes with Goats,  a deep deep sense of well being of the        herd…..   a weak member draws danger to All.  and then there was a wound to her udder.   We thought.    Do we call the vet….have her come and perform all manner of maybe surgical intervention,  that MIGHT help but might not?   that would mean  holding her daily for wound care and antibiotic injections,  which are no small trauma for a Goat     OR    do we do what we can to ease her,  to topically care for the wound,  be anti septic?   She is one of the 3 eldest,   old  .      Watch and assist how we can.   those words…Quality of Life.  This is all the more difficult in RAIN Season.    They don't let her sleep in the Rain House,  nor does she try to.   WHERE THEN? she chose under the Goat Boat trailer and then…in these last days….under this Tin House….dear her….but she is dry every morning when i am dreading going out and not being able to find her…like Mercy   but so far….every morning she is there.   

i have begun feeding her separately…..hand feeding of a sort…i have the Alfalfa Pellets in a "tupperware" type container that i carry to where she is and hold while she eats and then a portion of grass hay  and when the others catch on to what we are doing and try to interfere,  we move to continue and move more if necessary.   I sit or squat,  quiet to do this and it has brought me

Sacred Pause

i have found self looking up and off into the trees…and over days have noticed more and more their sense of Breathing….and i link my own breathing to that….a still pause….just being ….. just nothing but the moment,   the Trees  the reprieve from the long days of Summer that required so much from them,   now,   just Being   as Rain saturates the Earth

i still.  still do not like being wet.  do not like needing to accomplish things Wet…Cold…..i still whish things with her were not so but they are     Those things don't change,  but what does is the Acceptance of          Life.   on Life's terms.   I more and more can just let to of my own "over lay" of it all and  Be With It   …..   as it Is.   There is a great Release to this,  a sense of Spaciousness and it's  Good.   I will pause here.

 

YouTube   Tara Brach    12~27   Sacred Pause    lead  line    we are lost in the trance of doing

i said i'd use the Inktense.    i see  it lasted  not even 3 weeks…

maybe this time?     So….the ritual of going through the last year's calendar…bringing forward Birthdays etc   in to the New…making note of things that might be good to remember this time Around?   just   FEELING   how it was,  how it is Now,  how the same,  how different.   A life    in this orderly parade of squares.     Minnow is snoring.    All the blank squares ahead.  Nothing has happened yet.