with the little leaf. just sitting, breathing, being present and i think that this year i will take Crow ….in the case of an Evacuation. In the past, i thought to leave. Something is different. Take.
the light….is one of 4 little night lights that all together give light of a small lamp. They go on and off by the touch of the palm of the hand.
as i was leaving, closing the Gate…..
there it was….so perfect so small so powerful how it triggered such a response in me
maybe in this new year i'll be willing to become better, more diligent, more patient and gather better words for things i want to say?, maybe but not yet….so i can say….i was flooded. Flooded. with sensory feeling by this oh so small leaf. Valley Oak. Up here on the Hill it's predominately Live Oak. but down there by the creek…Valley Oak that are the shape of my childhood oaks. That Huge Tree at the end of the driveway of my childhood home that had the oh so oh so oh so fine rope swing that sailed out over the steep gully, that had the multicolored leaves in the fall, and
the multicolored ACORNS that i would collect to keep in the cigar box . Jewels.
and this little leaf among many larger ones, it felt in the moment i saw it like the small skinny Me that swang in that swing and my Brain, which is substance, my Brain that houses somehow my Mind which remembers and triggers my Heart which is a word for a psychic phenomenon all this was Flooded with such PLEASURE and LOVE and WELL BEING. Think of it.
all that happening because of seeing a leaf
this oh so elegant …..book….was gifted me. i am sad to say that i don't remember Who sent it. Are YOU there? Was it You? Please tell me.
because it's time now that I use it. Perfect time now. I've kept it and waited. but….Now.
Alyssia has a suitor. I smile as i use that word… but that's what he is. They talk. long distance…he is in San Diego…some hours away. He is determined and so is she. She Holds. to all the reasons why she is not interested in pursuing this potential. He goes on about how and why he thinks it is WORTH taking the time to understand any possibility. Her first reason is Emrie. She is not at all interested in working through any "relationship" that would involve Emrie or Julian. She thinks in terms of a SomeDay…like 10 years from now. Maybe. and in the conversation last night she also said and then there is you. This….in regard to her moving. Me. so we go there. the thing of Me….where we've been before now and then….
her uhhhh, commitment to doing what might be needed. This is nothing new, but before it didn't have the added factor of a Suitor.
it bothers me…and that's an easy way to put it…bothers….but i am lazy, so it will do….it bothers me that she includes Me into the mix when thinking about her own Future. I have always said pretty much the same thing. I used to say it to Jenny when i still was in New Mex. When "it's time", just take me up to Good Sams….that "old folks home" where Alz Betty spent the last year or so of her life…and i said that honestly…i knew what it was like there, having spent many days there hanging out with Alz B and i was ok with it. If i reach that point…just take me there. At the time i said…with some paper, my colored pencils, my 2B and 6B pencils…i will be ok. She always said…no. We will come and bring you here. Whether or not you want to go.
so…i'm already here. there must be a place like Good Sams here. And we talked a while…and this is nothing new, but we talked again about what i think about all that. That "when it's time" it won't matter. I will be "at loose ends"…and we defined what that might be
and she said….what about if you are lucid and frail? More talk. and i realize that there is no way to know. No Way. i can say what i say now but really….will i be able to hold to it?, if i am
frail but Lucid? i hope
so i told her i would write my thought down. And then, each New Year that i am still here, write an Update.
I remembered this book and looked and found it. It's perfect. I would like to thank YOU…who sent it, let you know that it's time has come.
Love and Love
just pencil to paper and whatever happens…..
that one on the left….urge to FIX it…..does not look like a Goat…no….but….NO to the urge for fixing, so….let it be for now. This is early….first thing…maybe 5 or 6 am….I like it. a good way to Begin.
this is in response to finding the Photography of Charles Freger….his book Wilder Mann
I was going to say a lot of things but as time went on, i thought again about Versions, how there are so many and all so True for each experience….
So….Happiness to yours….this is mine.
collage again….What if?
Boardwalk at the Ocean with Dad and Luz. She looks more herself, less wired.
Change. in Buddhist terms, Impermanence.
What doesn't change?
Cloth. Cloth does not change. I unrolled this…looking…and no. No change. Maybe it's time to pin the spirals into place, whatever that might be…and begin stitching. Holding them so they can hold me.
