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fear

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last night i woke around midnight.  Motion of the trees Startling,  Wind Sound rising over pounding Rain,  coming out of sleep, into awareness and laying there,  listening,  some seconds,  and realizing i was asking Self if i was Afraid.  Am i afraid?

so i lay there,  listening.  Wondering.  I go back to N. Mex,  the old house.    It would be shaking,  the walls.  That Fence.   What was fear like there?    The concern for the Goats, the same,  Here/There.  I think of Talkie.  Where IS she?  and Puppie?  This small house here doesn't shake.  Is still,   amidst the Rushing.  Solid.    I think…What should I be prepared to DO?  I don't know.

I decided to think about the WATER seeping in.  Seeping deep into the Earth here.  To imagine that.  Visualize that.  the Seeping and i fell asleep to wake again a few times for just seconds and finally Early,  before dawn when it all was quiet.  Today,  Rain intermittent.   Goats run.   Talkie trips along in her way,  Puppie climbs on the roof, making her presence known…FEED ME she says,  like she does.  FEED me.  ok.   

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22 responses to “fear”

  1. Tina Avatar
    Tina

    Crazy extreme weather seems to be effecting so many right now. I have always marveled and envied your courage. As always I appreciate your posting how everything is going. The biggest and best deference between NM and California is that you are not alone anymore .. woohoo.

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  2. Laura R Avatar
    Laura R

    This winter seems wetter than most of the ones I have experienced here in Northern California since I moved here from the NW in 1977. A half hour ago, I opened the back door to listen to the crazy pounding of the rain, so much more than I’ve ever heard. I think of you, living in a mostly wild area, with hills, native trees, goats to care for (who could be frightened), you having to go out to care for them. What does this heavy rain sound like inside an Airstream?
    xo

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  3. jaime Avatar
    jaime

    thinking of you. love.

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  4. Michelle Slater Avatar
    Michelle Slater

    Analyzing fear is one way of dealing with it. Our brains do crossword puzzles till they go blank. Sleep is, of course, the best response until something more proactive appears. I woke at 4a.m. as I often do (who knows why) and decided to check on blog buddies. You first. Glad talkie and pup appeared. Dear Grace in the rainy season…goodnight again and see you later.

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  5. Deb G Avatar
    Deb G

    It seems like there has been more wind here this year, stronger wind. It shakes my old house. The last time when it was windy during the day I was able to watch the robins that have been in the neighborhood lately. They were perched in the fruit trees facing the wind sometimes closing their eyes.

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  6. jude Avatar
    jude

    i am almost always a little bit afraid i think. but never quite sure of what

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  7. dee Avatar
    dee

    The emotion that arises for me in those kind of moments is sadness. A drenching, pure sadness. At the passing of life. It is so much of an all-body experience, I wonder how it is that I don’t walk around feeling at least a little of it all the time.Your vulnerability after the fires comes to mind. But maybe this fear is an older friend? Came with you from New Mexico?

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  8. Peggy McG Avatar
    Peggy McG

    Huge wind is the one thing i fear most.. comes from as far back as I can remember. But so has my logic and the ability to vision..i go over scenarios in my brain and feel more confident that I can overcome. How do the animals hunker down? Do the little birds ever get seasick swinging and swaying? How do they know what to do? And then all is back to normal..What is normal?

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  9. Liz A Avatar
    Liz A

    it is perhaps worth considering that one definition of fear is awe … your decision to “think about water seeping in” is something I hope to remember in the midst of future storms

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  10. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    fear is familiar. waking suddenly and having to orient yourself to whatever is occurring. . .decide whether it requires some action on our part. I like your checklist: knowing that you are dry and safe even as rainwater takes its own course. animals are resilient and wait out storms. we learn that and calmness passes between us and them. but I know that edginess too.

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  11. joanne Avatar
    joanne

    Wind–Rain. A bad combo. And the mudslides south of you–so dangerous.
    All of these so much better than Fire.
    Are you really in an old Airstream?

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  12. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    there are many moments when i am still alone…the initial moments of any Event. They are close by.
    and it is a Shared life, yes. Big difference.

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  13. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s not an airstream, but rather one of the square type,
    but IS similar to the airstream that i left behind in
    New Mex..lived in that 5 years
    it’s wonderful, really. Is IMMEDIATE, but not Wet…
    I think i can know the Rain very intimately this way.
    I like knowing that you live so close by

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  14. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    please do…
    Love back

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  15. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    we sleep.

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  16. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    that is such an incredibly Beauty FULL scene…them facing
    the wind with their eyes closed…
    Thank you so much for that, Deb,

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  17. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    ah. my fears, the degree to which i experience
    Fear anymore, are easily specific here. I think
    it’s a good thing

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  18. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    California is proving to be a fierce land. Summer is
    Fire season. That’s what it’s commonly called here.
    and this winter, here on this Hill, in this natural
    forest…there are the trees that become water logged
    and just pull up out of the Earth and fall. Three
    huge ones so far. So, factoring in the possibility of
    that as i watch them, 80 to 100ft tall, swaying wildly.
    When you live in a forest, you live in a forest.

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  19. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    it’s why dry shelter is important for Goats. They do not
    like being wet.
    I don’t know where Talkie sleeps…maybe in her little
    hen house, or sometimes with the Goats? I don’t know
    and i have been watching the wild birds…there are so
    much more this year, down low, rather than
    high up…
    i think they have become comfortable with my presence
    here, the inhabiting of their world, i think they
    have watched and feel familiar now. They will be out
    there in it all, except the most intense downpour,
    foraging cheerfully through it all
    Normal. yes, Normal.
    It’s been said for a long time that WIND will be a blatant
    symptom of climate changing. Here we have it.

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  20. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    yes, Awe for sure. And if a tree falls, then ok.
    But if none do, then Awe.

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  21. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    and really, the edginess is a very reasonable response

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  22. grace Forrest Avatar
    grace Forrest

    no…left the Airstream behind in N Mex. Here it’s
    one of the just ordinary square kinds.
    As much as i loved the airstream style, this one is
    better…it has WINDOWS.
    Alyssia intends to get the New Mex one someday.
    Someday is going to be Some Day when it comes.

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