windthread

so i tried something i've never tried before….Maybe?   and i also filled out yet another Help Ticket with Typepad.   We'ss see when i push publish.

Internet not good in general.   Takes forever to just get here.   keeps saying    This site can't be reached    or   No Data Connection.  Maybe snow.

and then,   the reality of where i'm at.   

i am  just Drifting.    I didn't go down for the Burning today.   Didn't have it in me.   it was cold and drizzly.     I spent time with this Spiral…that Center One that has such meaning.   you've all seen it many times before…nothing new….but i find i can keep looking and looking and looking.    Sitting with it.   Like i can with the whole thing here.   Other people,  jude, saskia, dee,  liz are just going with so many things.    I am not.   I am just HERE,  with these spirals,  with this thing of Staying Open which i don't know how to do.   With Rain and cold.   Just Here.   and it bothers me.   Nothing for blog Content in me.   I could make something up,  but it would be dishonest.   What to do?

so…let's see if the pic has stayed.

so here we are again,  same as yesterday.   BUT,   as CatherinE made the Brilliant discovery,  if you click the pic to enlarge,  it orients correctly!    So,  again.    after today,  if this continues,  i don't know.   Internet in general is weak.

a mess here.   and i  just don't care.   Other than the glorious SUN moments   of that pic,  it has rained.   All day all night.  repeating.  and now with the exception of a half day tomorrow   (when they are hoping to burn)  rain is forecast through the coming week.  sometimes mixed with

s n o w

as yesterday late afternoon and then the early part of today,  not really snow flakes,  but sleet.   not far from here in Magalia,  they got 14 and a half inches of snow.   it's cold.   

the top row of spirals are stitched in place…just the top of them.   the first will need to be repositioned.    the second row,  with the 3  will remain only pinned.  Am not sure what's happening there.

Today i tried.   over and over to get the third line right.   All needed   to be moved a little to the left and i kept thinking i did it but then standing back,  i didn't.   

the cloth held me enough.   and then,   an interview with Iris DeMent  NPR All Things Considered.   I love her.   and listened a couple times to YouTube,   Inspite of Ourselves….her and John Prine….how she said she "carries him with her".   

 

 

i  can't turn it.   orient it.   Typepad just won't.  so ok.   it needs to be here anyway…Journal page   IMPORTANT  so here then.  This way.  these are the piles of branches and twigs that need to be dealt with.   Fire fuel.   it is forcast rain all this week.  They gathered them and on last weekend covered with the tarps.   Rain will make all earth wet.   as safe as can be for fire.   Burn these

piles this coming weekend.   All the larger pieces were set along the road for the Chipper Program.    These are for us to deal with.    That paragraph wasn't intended.   this is a mess,   this post….i give.   Done for now.   

high temp today 42,   rain/even snow!,    even more,  i give

 

 

 

hadn't been there since Tay got sick and couldn't go that far  but yesterday i went to get the hose spray nozzle to use down at A.  They are going to burn brush from the tree work.

  

and there…..much to my Joy….the young Manzanita is BLOOMING!   Her first time.   was windy, the lense not clean …bad photograph but they are there,  the ever so tenderly conch shell ivory blush of pink little coral bell like flowers….i could not believe my eyes….  i am so honored.     i think how everyThing is different,  but love is love,  remains.  is.  Love is Love. 

there's Jack.   Jumpin Jack Flash.   He who aspired to become Buck of the Universe.  and sort of was.   so short a time he had his day.   but now,   back at it,  his old self that never learns.   repeat.  repeat.  repeat.    We covered the whole front fence line with a kind of chicken wire that worked,  sort of,  worked enough.  but now it's the whole fenceline along that side meadow.   There's no real reason for shoving his head through.  that i know of anyway.   an urge.     When i go to feed,  i'll find him like this and get my leather gloves,  the Big wire cutters and cut him loose….you cut first then bide your time till his head is in just the right position and pull the cut piece up enough for him to pull his head out….watching out for getting my hand squashed by his horns.   This is why we disbud Goats….prevent their horns from growing as babies.   Jack was disbudded by my Vet back in N. Mex.   as were others.   He wasn't good at it and several went on to grow Scurs….as we see here.   The hornless does, disbudded.  can stick their heads through and get back easily.    Sunny Ray has huge scurs…actually,  one is almost a full horn.   but he doesn't do this fence thing.

a crow has been coming.   i ache 

for Tay's presence in the old way

twilight.   Talkie goes to bed.   Same.   Every day.   as she goes,  slowly up the branches,  one to another,  she talks to herself,  a long conversation of things,   once she's there,  on her twig,  she stops.   Silent till morning.   to repeat another and another and another day.   

some conversation while placing stones.    Me :  something about Tay    …  is        Emrie :  was,   Old Nana.  she is dead.     i am stopped….in my tracks.  Was….Is…..   and i say no.   Is.   for me,   Is.       Emrie:  maybe she is deciding.

for me,   is.

These last nights i have talked  to Kay.  Phone.    i have talked about her here before.   She who taught me to draw.    Who i partnered with with the book store till i bailed.  Who i studied with some years.   Who taught my son to draw.   Who introduced me to all manner of things.   Kay.   Kay Gould Caskey.  back in Michigan.   and Kay,  who receives conversation with ones  who have "crossed over".   not by her own choice, in the beginning,    but because she was  chosen.   her work.      for 30 some years i have known of these exchanges with people,  here and from the "other side".   i KNOW them to be real and true.   i have not felt the need to "go there".   but i know.  because of her.   She is Beauty FULL and Brilliant and taught under the ….i choose this word.,  it's not her word,  …under the beauty full umbrella of 

Metaphysics

Wikipedia

Metaphysics is the branch of philosophy that studies the fundamental nature of reality;  the first principles of being,  identity and change,  space and time,  cause and effect,  necessity and possibility.

Metaphysics studies qyestions related to what it is for something to exist and what types of existence are there.

Metaphysics seeks to answer,   in abstract and fully general manner,  the question of:  what is….It….that exists,  and what …It..is like.

That first evening then night "without" Tay.   I felt this Horrible Emptiness    from my scalp down.   Through my face and whole body to my pelvis….Emptiness and off and on that emptiness felt filled with some thick substance.  i thought…how can i live?

Kay said…watch for her.   she will come.   

I have been the handmaiden of Qualifiers  always,   over and over,  always.   I am letting them GO.  I feel like this is the opportunity of a lifetime,  MY Life Time which now is clearly finite.   I am ready.   Tay and I learned eachother,  learned  Love for these years together in such a total way that this Hill has given.  required.   We will continue.   That sense of horrible emptyness has become a sense of OPEN NESS.  and that's all i need to begin.   

 

 

 

 

 

after a while,   she asked if she could use the shovel,  and dig her own hole.    while she worked,  Alyssia and i just sat either talking quietly or staring off.   i thought she was just working off some energy.    she propped the shovel finally after probably a half hour and was looking for the little pinecone.     she had a handful of sticks and set the longest down,   looked,  got the shovel and dug more.    Satisfied,   she came away and i asked what she had been doing.   Burying some sticks for Tay to take with her.

When Sunny Ray was attacked by the dogs,  we called our first mobile  vet Stacey who told us to call SarahLynn as she had come to focus her practice only  on palliative care.    We called SarahLynn this time and she told us to take Tay to Chico,  that she only does livestock.    Tuesday  afternoon Tay was having trouble.   We called Stacey hoping she could come and evaluate things,  maybe help come up with a plan if Hope were possible.  She came the next morning.   She is very gentle.   We had Tay out in front of the tin house door on a folded sheet.   We took a long time telling every detail we could think of that might give her information that would help.  She listens closely and asks questions.   Then we just were quiet while she ran her hands over Tay,  looking closely.  lifting a foot,  held her face.  She went to her truck and came back with treats which she offered and Tay wanted.  She put one in her mouth and then held a second in the palm of her hand.  Tay could not figure out how to get her mouth to take that treat.  Several tries.   She then began telling us what she was seeing.  Pointing things out as she talked.  specific things.  She talked about the difference in spinal cord injury v.s.  brain.   it was Tay's brain.   some silence.     i told her we were willing to go to great ends if she could recover,  even just some?   She said that things would continue to get worse.   She said to know how to help her would take all those diagnostics at UC Davis.   Tay would have to stay there.  and then,  depending on what they found, there would be a treatment plan of some sort and maybe ,  maybe something good.  Also,  maybe not.   She looked off into the trees and said it would be very hard for a dog like Tay.   Talked a little about the question of quality of life.   Silence again.  a while.    i said 

i can't.

she said what she would do for Tay.     3 steps.     the first a relaxant that would allow her to release all that she was having to do to maintain.   Second would be a sedative.  She would fall into a deep sleep of Dreaming .    and then third the one that would stop her heart.   She told all of the signs we would see with each,  how long each step would take.  

i held Tay's head,  i felt like i would ….what?….i felt like i would  implode into her,  but Alyssia,  my Alyssia needed me to HOLD. and it was done.      There was a long time of  just being there.   i asked her how she had come to the decision to devote her Vet practice to this.   she said  many things but truly because of her grandmother being hospitalized and dying there.  How Wrong that felt to her,  how much she had wanted to take her Home.   how much she believed that Home was the Place.

when we were looking on the internet for things in the last days,  Alyssia saw a site that talked about the high incidence of suicide among Vets. As she got in her truck,  i called out    No Te Rindas   they say in New Mexico,  she asked me to repeat….i did.  She went off.

both of them.  her and SarahLynn.  young women.  trained at UC Davis.  Mobile Vets.   You call they come.  for the times of helplessness.  They bring Help.  

and now,     and now

 

 

 

 

typepad has lost so many words.  so i will just let that be.   LOSS.   it's HUGE.   but….not.    I am hanging all  my life on some kind of line that i don't understand,   don't know.   i am empty.  full of some substance.  at the same time.   i am LOST  without Her.  I don't know how to live.  i need to learn.