windthread

i will just leave this until there is some change.   The entire day is Her.   She cannot get up  as in standing, sitting  alone.  She falls.   She is not shitting.   We tried again,  a long laborious walk about this morning and then shorter ones in the day….no.  Ordinarily she goes off a long distance for that…its private.   on a leash is hard enough but the one time she tried she couldn't maintain her balance.  it's a Hill.    i did not leave her ALL day.  at all.   Once we got her out in the morning,  we just stayed there until Alyssia came again to get her in.  She's 80 + pounds.     i could go on with details but there's no point.  Things are not good.   i can't imagine life here without her.  

i'll just add anything in the comment box if there's something different.   Otherwise……

 

maybe she is a little better.  maybe that's magical thinking.

she has no balance.   falls down.   sometimes on her face.

basic neurology workup  UC Davis  is  $4,000 up front.

i spent ALL the moments  of time with her,  watching her,  helping her .   On leash.  the dog that runs everywhere.    at the end of this day she peed.   Was no worse.

something is wrong with Tay.    i can't run through the progression,  but it began maybe just before Jack Flash slammed her into the Rain House.    Since,   things have looked like they were holding their own and then not.   Things happened.  I'd hoped it would all just end up ok  and i wouldn't have to talk about it at all.   But this afternoon we took the first appointment available in Chico at the emergency vet hospital.   Where i took Tay that first year here for the rattlesnake bite.    it took almost 5 hours.    There are no answers.   The treatment plan was that we go directly to UC Davis who is open 24 hours for a Neurology workup.

second  was to leave her there and begin her on IV meds for seisures.   coming home from that with various steroids,  seisure meds.    

i have ZERO ability to be coherent about it all in this moment.     I signed the against medical advise paper and we brought her home.   it's dark.  night.   we were gone when it was Feed Time for Goats.    The first Ever.   We were not here.

She is lying in a normal position on her rugs.   I will lie down.   What comes,  comes.

i don't  know what i will be able to write about this tomorrow or even when Ever.   If you choose to comment,  i don't know if i will be able to respond.  i hope you understand.   Tay is Me.   I am Tay.   someThing is blindsiding us,  out of no where.   

i feel like this sycamore out front….just skin

drew this as a waking moment,  just quick,  like they are…no thought,  really   how it often begins with the bridge of the nose and over to an eye and the angle was there.    Went on with things,   to come back later and listen to NPR's Leila Fadel's conversation with a mother in Turkey,   no where to go.   and i think about all my concerns………………………..

All the mothers there.  old ones   young.  

Assalah Shikhani  fled Syria 12 years ago and became a teacher in Turkey at a school for Syrian refugees run by Karam Foundation.  Fadel asked what she would tell the world…. paraphrase        anything.  anything to help. even just to pray for us. 

the tag was photographed on a page of this months  National Geographic.

 

they were the third company to make a bid.   They came.  based just on some intuition.   

and they were perfect.   Arrived ON TIME…which is a biggie….and after very short discussion set to work.  a crew of 6.  Two Climbers.   a way to the right of this tree was the second,  larger,   one climber for each.   I LOVE watching people work who know exactly what to do moment to moment.  They communicated with whistles.   I loved their equipment…their chain saws are small,  enough to climb with but amazing.   Their ropes and carabiners,  leather body straps,  leg straps with more ropes…….they were like squirrels….they scampered up and down back and forth,  the 4 on the ground hauling and cutting into "managable " pieces.   Two other ones that had broken off and were partially down.   Precision.  Within 4 hours they were finished and loading to leave.   no other trees were sacrificed.    
To repeat….these trees needed to come down to obtain the building permit.   Had they fallen on their own,  it would have been into the construction.   No insurance possible.   and so….no way out.   There are feelings,   how we are changing the Hill with our presence and with this,  in a permanent way.   Here,  i am a squatter.  i could go and leave no sign.  

i am drained.   i woke,  off and on from 2 am  not wanting to oversleep…i had to close the Doe Goats in at morning feed so they would not be in the way of this.  Had to have them fed and gated by 8.   i did it.  it's over.   

 

 

A test

i like it this way the best…the irregularity.  I reminded self tho that i'm not making a Tree Hanging,  but a blanket.

did try 5 spirals across but it feels crowded.    

also realized that i'd forgotten the  folded border on each side.   Just estimated here and once  did that  i see that everything  will need to be moved a little to the left.   I still imagine self  kantha~ing the borders.   Need time to let it all rest.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no Rain forecast till Friday night!     

at first look,   i guess i need one more row.    Maybe 5 Spirals wide????   Less between them?    Nothing between them? ie stitched together?   I can borrow 4 or 5 from Alyssia's and Jenny's tomorrow…see how things feel.    that second row,  of 3,  because i want that One to be in the middle.  so here,  space on either side.   but if there were 5,

so good to see hanging free.    No cloth wall but a wind wall.    the 3 smaller,  left unfinished  to decide what colors are still needed.  

i thought that was it.   But after i got the blankets in order,   i came back and picked up the pencil.  i could barely see,  the  headlamp battery was dim.   it wasn't till morning that i saw what i'd done.   eeee…out of proportion…….but then……,   No,

we are talking about Moxie here.   and i'm thinking  "inner Moxie"……

first…what is this Gesture ?   Why did it,   drawn with zero  forethought,  so quickly,  without consideration at all,   be  what all it is to me?    for me,?    What all it is.   What all IS it?    

this is going to take time.