windthread

it has been dream~like.  almost some altered state,  but that's too dramatic.    Dreamlike.  I've spent the last days just looking.  Sitting on some hill side somewhere here,  several SomeWheres here,   just looking Out.   Most of the time the Goats are there,  some distance away and for them too,  there seems to be a quality of dream,  an aimlessness,  a drifting.    I woke from my "information gathering nap" yesterday,  mid day,  and just lie there.       Looking out the open door into the green green Green sun drenched world to the clear thought:   I am just so glad to be alive

Some of this arises from the leave taking of Just Going;  her imminent going,   her actual going and then the changed reality of her being gone.   The empty space where she lived.  

Then there came the vaccine.    The anticipation and then the reality of it.  Both these things….i notice that only in retrospect  do i have a real sense of how they have affected things,  changed things,  me.   Then,  no laptop.  and Rain stopped.  Stopped too soon.    I have turned mySelf in the opposite direction on the couchbed for sleep. My head is now to the South.   Today i chose scraps and wonder if i have forgotten how to let my mind loose enough to see the Invocations?

Marti sent an emailL   the Guardian.   Life and Style.   Stevie Trujillo.  entitled:  Off-road,  off grid:  the Modern Nomads wandering America's back country.    a review of the film   Nomadland  so this too became on my mind.  How Peggy McG and i watched all those Bob Wells Utube videos over years.  How she's Out There now,  How i am here.   I am going to figure out a way to meet her in Quartzsite SomeTime.   The thought of this brings tears of love to my eyes and to my heart.  

Laptop not working

to say.  in case there are others who are unsure.   Was a restless night.  Arm became more sore.  seemed to be extending into neck shoulders,  which i wasn't sure about.   I'd been anxious,  not just about the vaccination itself,  but getting self to Chico from here.  Still,  still…i have NO sense of direction in California.  And although Alyssia made me a good map with many annotations,  i was anxious about that.  People here drive fast,  do things like pass on the right,  appearing out of nowhere etc.  I have no landmarks…like Mountains on the Rim.  Freeway will be one number but then for no reason become another number.  Also, the old truck hadn't been driven since the Evacuation last summer.   There was an odd kind of headache.   I wondered if that was all the result of the tension and through the night,  off and on,  did what i know to do to release that body tension.  It wasn't working.  This morning it became clear that it was the result of the vaccination.  I also became Hot…which i never am.   I decided to deal with it all by taking short naps off and on through the day.  By evening,  the soreness in the arm was much more localized to the injection site and "headache" was gone.  

and i'll add this.  When waking on and off through the night,  lying there in the dark,  trying to interpret what was going on,  there was a very strong sense of full body Action…full body Participation.  That all my systems were Engaged.  There's no real way to describe the Sense of that.

again,  it's said that the second shot will bring more intense response,  to expect that.   So i will.  But it is nothing more than what it "should" be,  considering.   And just a side note about i how i over think,  i was thinking how i have always vaccinated my animals…dog gets Parvo, Distemper, Rabies,  Cats the Feline Distemper,  another one and Rabies.  We vaccinate the Goats…it's time to do so again.  I believe these have kept them healthy,  especially the distemper and Parvo…have seen those to wreak havock on a communities animals in N Mex.  But also thought….vaccinations are always measured by the weight of the animal.  Here i was,  skinny and little,  easily half the size and weight of others,  eee…..   But here i am.   waiting for the 2nd with good confidence and so much looking forward to the benefits of that.  We once again will be able to be together as a whole family.  It will have been a year since Jenny has been able to be around the kids.  She is overjoyed.  

i DID IT!    Some hours later now and site of needle is sore,  but just noticable when extending arm.  Otherwise…nada.  It's Moderna.  The second one is March 1.   I have never gotten a flu shot.  Last needle of any kind was 1968 when had to get boosters before Peace Corps in India.   Aside from personal/familial benefits,  if it help the well being of the Whole one iota,  i celebrate.

i was scared.

after the 2nd,  i will,  still masked,  still distanced,  be able to go to the Post Office.   

they are one less and one very Loud Voice less

a spirit

i spent the day digging the grave.   I chose the place well.  Earth received.   Just inbetween the Doe Sleeping/Rain House and the Curry House.  On a slope of course because slope is pretty much all that is here.   There is close proximity to all Doe Goat things,  one of the bigger feeding bowls and overlooks the original Doe Forest where they all go each evening to browse.  Where Sun last sets.  In the last months of their lives,  where Goats seem to spend a lot of time.   The Doe Forest is where Cinderella is buried.    Alyssia and Emrie arrived early evening and the 3 of us continued the digging,  the breaking of the granite with the shovel,  Emrie in charge of piling the broken rocks.    We carried her from the Rain House on one of my beloved thick strong cotton sheets,  covered her with the earth we had removed and then,  in a mosaic,  all the rocks we had upturned or broken.  Patting them in place with our hands.

When 2 of their chickens died last summer they sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at their burial.  Alyssia asked Emrie if she wanted to sing.  She said yes but not Twinkle Twinkle and she sang out a clear small oh so elegant rendition of Baa Baa Black Sheep into the darkening dusk and really….so true and really,  the Tree Frogs began to chant.  The first of this circle of seasons,  strong from down near the Wall Garden and the canal creek.  

All day,  as i dug,  i Re Viewed what i think i know about Death.   and knew again that i'm not sure about any one thing in particular.  That i carry many things in me about Death.  What do i know about Living and Dying?   And at the moment of a death,  what do we do for the Living,  what for the Dead?   

and maybe Goats ARE   like Elephants in their own way.  In their OWN way.  All day they came and went.  Even tho it wasn't raining.   They lay down or stood as they always do.  They  wandered near her,  stood for long times.  Caroline and Arctica lay down near her.  They spent time.  Chewed their cuds.  They were not disturbed  because she was dead.

after they had left,  i went back out and sang Twinkle Twinkle.   Because it felt good.   Goodbye,  Just Going.  You leave us with many memories of a very Singular No Touch Goat.

This was 2 days ago.  Since then,  Rain.  Only Rain.  all day, all night.  Momentary intermissions.  I am Ready….and  when there is a SPACE,  i go quickly out to Feed.   Just Going is dying.   We've known this day would come for a long time.  During the Evacuation last  summer,  the Vet on call there spoke to us.   She had examined her.  Rectal/Vaginal Fistula.  Diagnosis for what we had watched for months.  Her thoughts were euthanasia.  She said we could take her down to UC Davis for evaluation for surgery.  Goats do not do well with anesthetic.   It would be extremely costly…..to Reconstruct surgically.  and no guarantee of success.  She gently suggested euthanasia.  She would do this while we were there.   There was another woman who was volunteering who represented a nonprofit that cared for aged and ailing livestock.  She offered to take her…"keep her comfortable" until her time.   

We chose to Just Go.    We came Home.  Brought Just Going home.   Since then,  she has declined some all along but also she has kept Just Going.   Even Yesterday.  Just Yesterday….there she was,  as they all were,  lipping up fallen leaves from the Storm.

But today…not.   She cannot stand.   She calls out.  over and over through the day as she lays in the Doe Goat's Shelter.  I took her grass hay to hand feed her.  She couldn't.  i messaged Alyssia and when she called we talked.  There was the Vet that we'd called for Cinderella.   With TenZen,  we just went.  Day unto Day.  But every time is different.  Every Being is different.  Just Going is one of the NO TOUCH goats….has been since babyhood.  She and  Karma.  Which had made it impossible all along to do any ongoing care for her body.  And now….Touch is not a comfort for her.  When Alyssia came,   We repositioned her.  Made sure she was dry.  Soft in the rice straw.  I wondered if we should take her out and put her in the Curry House…where Caroline kidded….  Separate her.  we thought about that.   and decided against it.  She is with the Herd.  They go in and out around her.  As they would if she were her usual self.  Goats are not like Elephants.  Goats Just Go.

There will be a break in the Rain tomorrow.  

Which world does she inhabit right now?  All day,  i shifted her from cloths to cloths….looking for the one that Speaks most clearly.   It is the time of the Atmospheric River again.  All day.  All night   RAIN.  Pouring down.  But inside here,  this little house is her house.  She holds the SUN

Peggy Mc g  and i met through Jude's cloth world.   It's been years.   When i was still in New Mex we exchanged mail about Bob Well's  Cheap RV Living episodes on UTube.  She wanted to Go.   and she did.  I had wanted to go to Quartzsite for YEARS.  I didn't.    This Yellow was sent from her campsite near Quartzsite Arizona,  the Annual Rendezvous of  wild ones like she's become.  Road People.  She sold her house.  Outfitted a Van and took off.  This is her second year.  

Arizona desert  Peggy's View 2021     Her fire.   i'd asked her in an email to whisper my name into  her campfire.   She did.

and the next day,  on her "storage tent"…..BeHold.   Another sister.   out there….that LandScape….what were the chances????