windthread

 

 

 

Ginger and her daughter Cinderella.  Mercy in the middle.  Mercy,  probably the Most,  my own Goat as i am the most, her own Person.

 

Mercy again with Just Going just behind her

 

Things were taken off that could change the balance.  Hit the electrical wire.  Hit the house.  

This is how it is now.  I didn't want to go any further.  No "clean up".  I want it this way for now.  See how Goats work with it.  Browse.  Goats are browsers,  NOT grazers.  This is browse now.  They have begun.  It's kind of a mess.  but it's just ok.  

i woke in the night last night,  as i do,  wide awake and mind FULL of just stuff,  but one thing was concern for how i will wake early enough on Wednesday to be at the Refuge at 8:45.  A LOT happens when i wake.  A lot NEEDS to happen before i might be able to leave.   I'd bought an alarm clock a few years ago when i needed to get to the airport at a certain time.  It worked for a while but then didn't.  Haven't needed an alarm clock since then…so, an Oh Well thing.  But here again.  and i looked at the clock that's on the Cloth Shelf in the end of the bed room,  that i can barely see anymore,  a blur,  and i wondered if it still worked as an alarm?  

 

hooked up on the kitchen counter,  set,  and Ta Da!,  yup.  so to be sure,  set again for tomorrow am at 6:oo.   Test 2.  and if a success,  then no worry.  Otherwise i would just stay in some kind of Drift from about 2:30 on until i would finally give up and get up.  Not the best.  Hoping.

Remembering all the days of waking to an alarm.  How unnatural that is,  how such a shock to the system.  Thinking about this.

 

 

Sydney came this morning.  She and her Woman are Arboristas.   We looked.  Saw that Tree is supported just some on the Earth in total by 4 maybe 5 branch points.  The main one on the Milkstand.  She pulled at it some and pushed some and it was determined to be safe until tomorrow afternoon when she'll return with her chain saw and remove what needs to be removed which will allow Tree to ease fully to  Earth.  We will leave everything that makes sense,  branch wise.  For the birds.     Her body will remain.  Today was day three and that day when Goats are ok with things,  the third day and today they came when she was here and helped investigate.  Then they stayed a good part of the day,  using branches to scratch with,  eating others.  Beginning to strip the bark.   Tomorrow.

Finished the matchboxes.  They make me Happy.

 

wrapping and packing.  All the young ones get Christmas.  8, 7, 3, and l.  Tissue and curling ribbon.   need to be sent priority tomorrow as usual.  I thought i was ahead.  Not.  Thought Christmas was on a Wednesday.  It isn't.  so ok.  

I am watching the National Weather forcast.  As of today,  Wednesday,  the Solstice Hike at the Refuge is forcast to be 59 and Sunny.  Who could possibly ask for more.

 

Stitched.  Crow.  the outline of Goat Eye.  invisible baste.   This made me happy too.

Across the road Margie and her various extended family began their drug and alcohol enhanced Holiday exchanges.  I think about how human we are.   

i spent some time thinking of All Who Come Here.  Slowly,  each of Us,  where we are on the Planet,  what i know about our lives,  i picture Us today,  moving toward Solstice, and there is such deep Gratitude and Love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all night, WIND.     Morning, rain, snow, rain, sleet until almost noon when SUN took over and was brilliant, took everything away and made it all just so New and of this Present moment.

Snowbunny's absence is acute.  They would not come into the Way Back.  There was such a sense of altered state.  They stayed in the middle yard even though there was SUN in the Way Back.  The first time i had to  crawl through the Migrational Corridor and walk down to call them.  Come Come,  i

say

in a cheery voice…come come ,  as Jenny always did,  and then i add the Fake Navajo words and some singing,…..Come Come and  they are so hesitant,  but they do.  They come.  But everything is different and Goats are very specific about Mapping.  They know where everything is and in detail.  This….this world was very different.  They stayed in the middle yard all day.  At Evening Feed,  i just called.  did not need to walk through,  they came and were orienting themselves to where their Water Tub was (where its always been for years)  and i realized that they had not drunk water all day.

no birds came until just at dusk,  two of the Morning Doves did.  Sat on the Horizontal branches and seeing them there, i cried.  Not a lot…just some small tears.

I planted this Tree.  a twig.   there was nothing.  I planted her and the old apricot in the House yard at about the same time.   How this tree grew so huge for a Russian Olive.  who knows but she did.  SO magnificant.  And always still,  in her leafless self,  so Giving and of Use.  And now,  Downed,  horizontal,  the angle of Earth.  Her.  

i am surprised by how i feel.   How i guess,  all this time when she has been dead,  i still somehow saw her as her full self,  all leafed out and nests.  It didn't matter that it wasn't true anymore.  

Trees.

Trees in desert.  Trees you have planted,  dug earth and planted and then patted the earth down around with your hands.,  Trees here are so singular.  Individual.  rising up,  no matter.

 

this morning…for not even Some moments,  maybe a moment or two and then it was like it had not been this way at all.  just a regular sky.  if i'd been sitting on the toilet i wouldn't have ever imagined this.

blink your eye

then i sat with the match boxes for a while before going to do cat duty at Allans and on into town for the 50lbs of dog food which i forgot the other day.  To the dollar store for mailing tape.  even to Walmart for sculpy and acrylic paints to send to the kids.  ok and all that with a quick stop at the grocery for Tamari as long as i was there.  it was very windy,  but well…that's how it is sometimes.  And i made it home,  unloaded what i'd bought and it was picking up.  Sitting in the Morning Chair,  having a hard and raw conversation with daughter Jenny who called,  talking,  thinking, talking and it was more…Wind.  More and More seemingly by the moments and i am talking to her about why someone might want to partner up,  all the reasons we are familiar with why we wouldn't,  but looking at why we might want to,  like how Alyssia might want to,  and i talk about how it is when stuff is going on and there's only One of You and no one to say to….eeeeeeee, what are we going to Do????????  so you just need to say it to your dog and your dog is counting on YOU….lying so close to your leg

and as we are going over this,  it's not new,  but we are revisiting it from a newer angle,  there is a great deep  POP.   a pop.  but a strange BIG pop and i go to the door of the ROOM,  expecting anything and

 

the old dead Russian Olive bird viewing tree.  Snapped of at the base…at earth.  Snapped.  The sound was the snapping off,  i could not hear the sound of the crash in the Wind.  Maybe it was silent.

it fell perfectly.  Some upper branches on the steps of the door of the ROOM.  it fell over the milkstand but only bent the thing that holds the bowl,  only bent it….didn't break it.  It fell nicely over one of the feed bowls,  did not squash it,  fell next to the clothesline pole…Next to it,  fell just to the side of the windows of the ROOM,  so close,  but just to the side.  

it's down.

this hurts.  that it fell.  it WAS the most glorious tree until the insects came that caused it's death and then still for so long,  it was glorious because birds still loved it and came and i could so easily see which were in the neighborhood on their migration,  who was here to nest for the summer.  It provided shade for the Goats,  even tho there were no leaves,  just its shadow…then they  would line along the shade of the shadow,  you've seen pics of this here.

it's down.  Tree.

and the walls of this home,  a trailer home,  an OLD trailer home billow back and forth with the Wind,  it's clear that the walls are no longer attached at the bottom.  I'd never thought  about how a trailer home has a lifespan but i am seeing this now.  Life span.  National Weather Service says the Winds are 30 or 40mph.  Not true.  I know Wind.  These gusts are more 50/60.  and steady.  Hours now.  Tay stays close.  Her body touching my leg at all times.  We are One,  she and i.  We waited till 4:30 to take feed and water,  hoping for a slight let up.  Not.  So we just went.  Feed flew everywhere.  They scrambled and called out,  wanting me to make it different.  Not.  As i type this,  it continues.  

They say that WIND will increase here.  As Things Change.

it's dark now.

 

this morning,  before all this,  i added Ionian Blue and Baked Earth to the breasts of this angel.  She is good.  She is Feminine.  still.  but Destiny can make whatever it is she makes of this.  That cartoon face on the other side,  which is what she looks at a lot on her whatever it is,  the computerized thing that i can't think of the name of now, but her thing…those animated beings that are large eyed and supposedly female…i need this angel being here to send to her.  The feminine Principle is changing.  But i want very much this angel,  this bald naked  angel for her.   The small blue bird.

 

one of the sides.  She has a thing of FEEDing.   Still,  long after she has been gone,  i find little places here and there where she has put little things,  beads and dry flower buds,  tucked here and there,  to feed her imaginary world.

 

 

 

Julian's was easy.    This side of Destiny's easy too.  she likes these kind of animated beings.

 

but it's this side of hers.   the abstract angel that appears to have breasts.  small breasts,  but, nonetheless….and i kept trying NOT to use the image but i kept coming back to it and now it's there but i am still undecided.  She has complex thoughts about things,  about Life.  and finds it difficult to verbalize much about them and i wouldn't want to give her something that would make her uncomfortable,  but i kept going back to it…so, i'll let it rest tonight.  See how it feels in the morning.

she's 8.  going on 9.

 

how it all goes… for instance,  i get up around 6 oclock these dark days and all is as usual,  minutes ticking into hours and it gets to be 9 oclock.  but then something happens and it just becomes 2:30 or 3.  the hours sliding in the middle.  Days like that too.  At first it's the first week of any month and then suddenly it's nearing the last.

 

even tho its all been just there on the door table where i left it,  i somehow had totally Forgotten about it….the decoupage match boxes for Julian and Destiny….EEEEEEEEEEEE  and anything that might get there "in time" needs to get into the mail by Monday.  SO.  not to test fate,  tomorrow will be matchbox day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i got a call this morning….i am Reserved!  THANK YOU,  all,  who slept with cross fingers…it Worked!  I am really happy about this.  

 

 

 

went to pick up the month's  load of Grass Hay, was accompanied home by this MOON.   

 

inside, wanting to start the night's  fire,  realized i'd forgotten to bring newspaper in from the Albatross, and going out for it,  found them Moon Bathing.  

 

Don't find my self ever  "Asking" much anymore.  That got let go of long ago,  but today i did.  Asking the Universe for this.  And tonight, again,  i ask.

Just on chance i  went here to the web site and saw that this year they are doing this December Hike.  and of course,  it would be on Solstice.  Open to the public but limited participation.  Reservation required.  I called.  She would be calling all those who had reserved a spot, today.  And if cancellations,  call those on the waiting list tomorrow.  That would be me…on the waiting list.  So

whoever reads this,  Cross Your Fingers for me.  

I've decided that this is where i am going to put my Heart in the days to come.  Volunteering.  It's maybe 20 min up the freeway.   And unlike the Bosque del Apache Refuge,  where the cranes come,  it is not a  "managed" refuge.  Outside of the Mexican Grey Wolf Re Integration project,  there is only observation.  If you google Sevilleta National Wildlife Refuge there is a lot to read there.  

So…ok.    and ok.    Whether or not i will be able to participate on this particular  day,  i'll still go and sign up.  that Felt Sense.

 

every Thing is in place.  Goat eye, crow, human being, lizard.   and even more it will combine the drawing with cloth and stitch.

as Cynthia always wishes for us,  a gentle day.  I could hear her say that,  Gentle Day grace.  it was.

 

 

received a Christmas Card from someone who i have not been in touch with for some years now.

sat….a pen and paper….thinking how i could respond.  Ended up with just so few things to say i was surprised.   My life is small.

Weeks now,  maybe more,  but weeks for sure,  i have been groping through everything i have ever learned in my life time trying to find something that seemed as if it could "work" for living in this time.  Looking back,  looking around,  searching.   The words that kept appearing were constriction and expanding that went BACK so far to the teachings of Charlotte Joko Beck,  specifically her book,

Nothing Special   living zen.

i should have taken a pic of it.  it is so ragged,  so full of letters, papers, pictures.  There are letters in there from Alyssia when she was maybe 9 years old.  on and on but the metaphor Joko used a lot was expansion and contraction.  This is easy to apply.  The body feeling of each is clear.  release into or descent into is also immediately and easily felt.  So this came to mind again because the sense of myself has been so Constricted.  So Contracted.   

i could not find release.

i did metta,  i did empty mind,  etc and they gave space.  But there was no release.  It was not possible for me to just turn away from "news",  it's not who i am.   so i kept/keep watching what's taking place.  There were those moment the other day when the aching to just somehow finally Understand the Vast Spaciousness was so acute.  Then waking in the night to the words   "love.  that's all there is to do."  and waking in the morning to print out the pic and write on it…

 

draw on it.  And i knew it to be true.  there was the Felt Sense of Expansion.  And i could begin stitching again….even while continuing to search for something,  anything that would give me some key to how to go.

 

and this morning,  i look at this Cloth…that red thread around the ring finger and how we say,  when we make that Vow,  till death do us part.  More release,  more expansion.   when needing to "title" this cloth,  without hesitation i typed in Always.  The Promise.  and realizing i meant always this hand of Beauty extended to Beauty.  Beauty being Love.  Love being Beauty.

i stitched the black and white magic on the cloth and came and went from the computer,  reading how the Yellow Haired Man had said this morning on some news show  that he remains "open minded on environmental issues"…and how no one screamed.  how no one screams in grief, but simply reports it as how it is.  I felt a scream inside me…for giraffes.  For their extinction.  Like canaries in the coal mines.  How children are down the line.  My own blood.  I will be dead.  But the children of my blood will not.   

and it  was full of the thing of hypocrisy…. how as a child i had learned it's stink so well in that small town baptist church.  The hypocrisy of all the news feeds….not screaming.  How my childhood family was nothing but hypocrisy and how i'd learned not to scream.  But Goats scream.  Goats scream over anything that is scary  or creepy.  Dogs don't.  they are stoic and hope for the best.

so…i can go on and on here but i'll jump to the chase.  I found THIS.

 

 

Abstract

The pace of climate change continues to accelerate, and it now appears inevitable that the Great Anthropocentric Extinction currently is unfolding, will include the end of life as we know it.  Characterizing this  "Great Dying" as equivalent to a terminal diagnosis for the human race,  and assuming an ecopsychological perspective that sees a close relationship between planetary health and mental health, the author applies the stages of grief to this Great Dying,  exploring connections retroactively and prospectively between societal mental health trends in the US ,  our awareness of the severity of the threat we pose to the planet, and the stages of grieving the loss of life,  and questions the role mental health  professionals should lplay in this context.  Looking ahead from this same perspective,  the author asks if it is possible to alleviate the pain and suffering that will be associated with the widespread extinction,  mass mortality, and forced migrations tha are anticipated by scientific experts as a result of climate disruptions,  beginning with the idea of what a "good death" would look like in relation to the end of life as we know it, applying principles from hospice and palliative care.  Finally he offers a hopeful vision that, with an expanding planetary hospice movement and appropriate containing myths,  it might be possible to re-cast this Great Dying as a difficult, but spiritually progressive, death/rebirth experience for home sapiens.

the intro duction

There have been five great extinctions in the history of planet Earth during the 540 million years since complex life emerged.  ACCORDING TO NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SOCIETY!!!!!!

according to National Geographic Society  "we are in the midst of the Sixth Great Extinction,  an event characterized by the loss of between 17,000 and 100,000 species each year.  (nat geo 2012)

 

THIS HAD me.  National Geographic…my touchstone,  my truth,  my tribe,  my clan,  my family,  my true Blood.  in those gold and black covers with all the incredible photographs about what was really

TRUE.

 

OK.  I'm tired now.  But, also,  i am FREE

FREE

to just go.  What's different?,  not a lot,  really.  It's like the message of the dream.  It's just Love.  That's all.  But even tho i can face what it really IS,  it IS just love and i have always Loved.  I WILL and CAN love and become ever more Fierce in that Love.  and not deny.  I guess it's not denying that is making the difference for me.  How it goes will be how it goes.  Maybe there will be some miracle.  Maybe.  But if not,  Love is Love.

 

 

 

this advice came from somewhere.  a dream?  a moment of too fast?  but it's good advice and i followed it today.

 

 

so…the new Buck Yard.  so small, really,  but i didn't know what else to do.  Next to it here is the stick pile that was supposed to be temporary,  was supposed to be broken into pieces for the Hugel Culture.  and wasn't.  and now is a home for who knows how many sentient beings.  it's the place where i believe the Great Plains Skink lives.  so….putting off disturbing it.  Now particularly because everything in there is hunkered down for the cold months.  but maybe not even in Spring?  Depends on the need and we can't know till we find out.

it's 32 ft X 8ft,  this yard which is really more of a pen,  a word that is uncomfortable to me,  Pen.

I'd imagined for SunnyRay,  but when it got finished,  there was an ache in me and i knew i couldn't do it.  Lots of Goats live in small spaces but there is an ache.   So…i'll bring the Old Man Gideon over here and put SunnyRay in where he used to live but now with the young wether Jack Flash.   Another unknown…how they will do together…..   Gideon pretty much gets up in the morning to walk to the feed tub and has breakfast.  He spends the rest of the day resting in the SUN  until dinner when he gets up again for that.  There is some "playfulness" with Jack Flash sometimes.  I'm not sure how much Gideon ever wants or initiates and how much is Jack Flash's youth.    But i'm thinking it might be just ok for Gideon here.  He will get more contact,  like a peanut a day and i will be more inclined to make up for Goat companionship by going in with him and brushing him which he loves.  And he will have a new and GOOD view of the Doe Goats across the way.

 

these pallets will be added on the OutSide of the yard…the fencing will need to be cut.  I'll fill it with straw for bedding and put a tarp over it.  Will be warm and dry.

 

 

there is a runway for Tay between this new yard and the outside fence.  I think too about how i am reducing the size of her world with this.  What it might mean to her.

I went two places today.  One to Michelle's….mscomfortzone.blogspot.com or just click her name in a comment…easiest….   At her place i saw her windowsill.  Her windowsill was great comfort to me and gentle and an image of how it is for those of us that live on this Grand Planet.  Comfort.

and then to Ruit Farm Web Journal…ruitfarm.wordpress.com   the other link that Nanette had sent me.  Nina there,  and her Other,  had traveled to the northkingdom of Vermont and brought home 4 new does to their herd.  Ruit Farm is on the coast of MAINE…! ….MAINE….if we can imagine that,  Goats on the coast of MAINE….but yes and they are

all bred.

so for those of us who long for the amazement and joy of newborn things,  February.  She had already bred  her home does with her Buck Reddog.    Baby Goats.  so i am watching.  HOW do people deal with it all?  I watch.  What will she do.  Who will stay?  Who will go and go, how.   And this comforts me.  How we live comforts me.