windthread

I did finish it this morning.  I read it too fast.  But that is my way.  I breathed it in.  I marked pages, bent over the corners of some.  I'll go back.  But i finished it because i need to get back into this life here.  When i read like this,  it's truly that the world of the book becomes the real life,  that the life i am living becomes the dream.   Stephen Harrod Buhner talks about this,  about really great writers.  They take you.  You GO into their words,  the world of their words.   Atul Gawande  does this.  The river of his words has great momentum and ease in the Going.  

Patricia,  followingthread.wordpress.com said on her blog today….

"the point here, for me, is that living and dying are not exclusive.  But concurrent.  And i need to remind self that how I do one is how I do the other."

This is it.

I was so glad to receive this book at the suggestion of Julie because i was NEEDING some things to hold to as i go forward with the Old Cowboy.  I needed to read/hear/ things to give me the courage to go forward following my own intuition.  There is concern that some of that could be viewed as neglect.  and more,  as it goes.  He does NOT want,  more than anything, to need to go to the Old Folks Home where Alz. B spent her last 3 years.   More than anything,  he does NOT WANT that.  So helping him follow through with this will not be without……risk.    And changes of late have put me in the middle of that Possibility.  I needed to read this book.

But aside from the above,  it is full of so much MORE.  It is full of so much about LIVING to me.  And this is of equal importance as i sit now,  thinking,  absorbing it.

and just this, for now.  The question is asked of people in their End Time..:  What is most important to you?  and then,  How can we help you achieve that.      Everyone's answer is different.  This morning, i thought…what is Mine?  What is most important right now?  What will remain important as my life goes on?  Can i guess?    My answer today and other's answers are Fluid.  They change as circumstances change.   But what caught my eye was

 

I love this little wooden table beyond love.  I had collaged, decoupaged this whole corner maybe 25 years ago?   A lot of what i glued there has gotten undone.  But just this much that remains gives me so much Joy almost daily.  I cannot love it more.  

all the small pieces came from these.*  They have them in the Visitors Information racks at the Albuquerque Airport.  Each time i went there i'd take a couple.  A while ago i took the years of them to the Community Arts Festival program for the kids to use.  I only have a few left.  Haven't been to the airport recently to know if they are still available,  as in published.  Not an inexpensive endeavor,  they may have stopped doing it?   *except for his holiness

So…making pictures.  What if i could no longer SEW?  What if i could no longer draw with graphite?  I COULD i am sure, most likely tear and glue.  I could tear and glue.    Make pictures.  Tell myself stories.

so i worked here.  This one is called  House of Wind.  

and i realized this morning that this one CAN go.  There is no reason for me to need to keep it.  I can take good photographs of it,  all the small details that i love.  It's ok.  It Could go.  

 

 

Other than 3 wheelbarrows of compost and Care,  i have read all day.  I have many thoughts.  You can see toes in the pic.  Barefoot day.

"All we ask is to be allowed to remain the writers of our own story.  That story is everchanging.  Over the course of our lives, we may encounter unimaginable difficulties.  Our concerns and desires may shift.  But whatever happens, we want to retain the  freedom to shape our lives in ways consistent with our character and loyalties."

Atul Gawande

and i forgot to say.  Like it is sometimes with books,  i will need to finish it NOW.  I will read on this evening and then early tomorrow until it is finished.    And then i can think.

 

back to that thing of Transmigration

that little embryonic burst to the right,  approaching…..

The Old Cowboy had a meltdown so to keep it from Growing,  i went in and listened.  He went ON and ON and it wasn't right,  but he couldn't let go of his thoughts,  so i just layed my head on his big kitchen table and listened as he went On and On and because i was quiet,  he went On and On until he just wore himself 

out.

While my head was lying on his table,  i fooled with

 

this.  this little "china" face thing and it's beads that i had gotten three of,  each a little different,  and gave to Granddaughter last year when she was here,  passing through,  with her son Julian and her Half Sister of Heart, Veronika who she has had since she was 15.  Veronika graduates High School this June.  So…i'd gotten three.  From Margaret up at the Farmer's Market who likes to fool with beads.  They were i think a Dollar.    All Margaret wants to do is recoup some money so she can buy more beads.  

Anyway,             while listening to OCB i fooled with this odd little china face and marveled that it hasn't broken.  Gets lots of clunking around on the keys.  And i sent Granddaughter this pic and an email saying when i am finally dead and they light me on fire,  i'd like to have this talisman in the inferno with me,  to SET the connection with her.  She emailed back that hers is still attached to her cell phone and ok,  she would remember that.  And she sent some pics

her son, Julian and then Destiny who is yet another Half Sister of Heart who now lives with them

Julian's dog Zoey who looks like a Fox.  In the pretty places,  Zoey needs to be on a leash.  But along the drainage canals,  no one cares.  Zoey can be FREE.  Alyssia loves how she is FREE.

and i talked to her on phone.  She likes to take them,  not to just the BeautyFULL  places that are very available where she lives,  but also along the drainage canals….where these pics are from,  she said to look at what LIVES there.  and we talked about how there is a constant effort of Reclaimation in places like that.  And i am here,  this evening,  thinking about her,  about what she Does,  What she Thinks about.   And how we have these kind of icky things hanging on our keys and phones, but also things that are very potent in some way and APPEALING for whatever reason.

was a Big work away today but before i left,  i admired the Lilac blossoms that are coming on,  swooned in their scent and made a promise to refresh her water bowl when i came home.  Then coming home, i took a quick nap and then did phone with Granddaughter,   a lot of kind of off the wall conversation that she and i are good at.   Cleaned the kitchen from yesterday and thought about how i have decided to make Chocolate Chipless Chocolate Chip Cookies,  have a sweet tooth that can not be sated by anything i see at the store.  

no chocolate chips,  but other wise the original Toll House recipe with walnuts and the added Orange Zest to give a fruity flavor.  Tomorrow morning maybe.  

and tho by this time i was feeling lazy,  i kept my promise and dug out a winter's full of blown sand to give more room for water.  You can see Chinche peeking from the porch…this is where she likes to pee in the morning.  Now she'll need to go further away.

Some of the Goats watched.

i got word of an Open Studio and Gallery Tour in my beloved town up the mountain,  Magdelena, which is forever and never endingly off  and on intent on becoming a destination.   This is May 2nd and 3rd.   And i am thinking of taking some Cloths there.  I have a couple that are finished,  but would need a couple more.  I looked at the above.   I could never let this one go,  but maybe???? ???I could make one similar?  I've never done that.  Tried to make something similar….but ….????Maybe????  Do you see the face in the lower right side?    

so i like myself today.  All these things,  including the work away   Including a very fast afternoon storm that i watched coming,  FELT coming,  and then DID come…sudden,  fast,  small and Over.  Sun now is SHINING as it falls over the rim.

Beauty FULL day.

 

 

 

letting Sundays be Sundays.   As a child,  Sundays were set aside from the other days of the week.  Somehow they were slower.   There was church.  and then the waiting for the pot roast while my Dad listened to the ball game lying on the couch with the newspaper tent over his face.  My brother and i could do anything quiet.   I knew that other people did different things on Sundays than they did the other days of the week.  I knew that often,  Sundays were a day of visiting, too.  Tho my family were not visitors or visitees.  But i knew from watching the movies on the tv that Sundays were days like that.  Off and on,  i've tried to repeat this pattern and am finding myself there again, with Sundays devoted to this Place.  First Light to Last.  Quieter.   and here,  giving water.  cleaning Goat water tubs,  filling them.  Giving water all around.  Doing this SLOW and with attention.  Slow is the key.  Slow.  And today i made scalloped potatoes with ham for OCB.  In the midst of this,  Kelly came with her two boys.  She brought two dozen eggs and heartbreak.  She had called,  late last night,  tears,  and i said, come tomorrow and bring me eggs.  She did.  She's the age of my daughter.  Her mother died a couple years ago of suicide.  She Set Out,  finding herself in New Mexico.  she was born in Canada.  

the boys occupied themselves.  Thomas,  the autistic child,  wandered,  in and out of the house,  just looking.  Noah brushed Goats and sifted sand through a screen,  bring me the sifted sand saying….

feel this

Kelly told the story about how it's falling apart,  her and her man.  How she thinks she needs to Just Go to the land she owns south of here in San Marcial.  Take her kids,  her Goats,  her Chickens and just go.  She's not afraid to do that.  Not afraid to do that alone.  But she loves the man.  But…….

such an old story,  how many times repeated through the ages.  Men/Women   Confusion.

so i listened.  said some stuff,  but mostly listened.  And as i am learning more and more by all i take IN fro Out There,  it's the Listening that has Use and Goodness and Meaning.  Let her say it.  Over and over in all the ways it comes.  Let her say it until it falls into some kind of place for her that she can imagine a Way to Just Go.

Tay was very GLAD for this kind of Sunday.  She spun around the children and crept close,  licking their skin and looking so closely at them,  her nose so near whatever they were doing.   Thomas who has the Autism could be heard inside the house as Kelly and i were outside,  could be heard doing whatever it was,  inside the house,  making soft sounds.  he has very little speech,  mostly sounds.

one of the Native Plum,  planted last spring.  The one i was sure didn't make it.  Wrong

maybe?

it's 85 degrees today.  SUN filled.  Slight wind and Perfect.

Went for my Cat Duty.  There was slight smears of blood on the sliding glass door.  ?????  All cats, inside and outside accounted for.  Chickens chicking around as usual,  PeaCock and PeaHen, and PeaDaughter all doing PeaFowl things.  Whose blood??????  hmmmm.

Post Office because i called there and Pricilla said yes.  a package.

 

it May come to pass that i will need to build an additional room for Patricia's Baskets.  This is the Walnut dyed one the one with Breathing Places for spirit to move.  I had hoped against hope that she still had it,  that she was willing to let it go.  And now here.  yes.  yes.

here we are.  a best kind of day with a Blank Cloth.   Muslin then harem cloth then linen.  Invisible Baste.  Ready.  No clue.

and it's Saturday,  so i go to On Being,  Krista Tippet.  Listen.

Listen to Bruce Kramer talk about his experience of ALS.  I am familiar with ALS.  There was Art.  Years ago,  when i first came to New Mexico.  His family hired me.  I lived down the ditch bank from them and would walk over there.  Spend days.  Art.  he was in his 30's.  I was in my 40's then. He lived in his parents home.  Had been married.  a wife and 3 daugters before the ALS.  He rode rodeo and was a trucker.   When i came into the picture he needed to be fed with a spoon.  Bathed with the aid of a Hoyer Lift.  Had an electric wheelchair that he could still work with one finger and he and i would go on long walks on the ditch banks,  sometimes i would sit on his lap and he would take me for a ride.  We dumped a few times.  Oh well.  Art.  In the end,  he was nothing but Eyes.  No speech,  however complex and garbled,  no speech anymore.  Eyes.  But his EYES were always

SMILING.  Always Lit to see me.  We laughed.

and i listened to On Being interview and made notes

"opening to possibilities through questions.   closing creativity with answers.  Legacy is an act of ego.   a way to open to the world    the sense of Presence   Embracing vulnerability."

and thinking Yes,  yes,  this,  and then STOPPING,  thinking oh….oh,   eeeeee, grace…..is this perceived as Grim?  All this stuff you are putting on the blog,  is this just another day of grimness???  But then,  i thought…Who Cares!  Just Who Fing Cares!  It is NOT grim.  It is Real and i am,  as my most blessed granddaughter put it,  i am just doing developmentally correct work for my time in this Life thing.   And yes.  it is heightened by the shift in the needs of the OCB.  But then…GOOD!  Heighten it!!!!    Because all i am finding with All This is a Beauty Full sense of Lovingness of What it all IS.  More and more.  Everything.  Everything is speaking to that…the bee book,  Everything.  Everything in my own specific world here and in what flows in from "out there".

Here's me.  In my Spring night shirt which i wore all day.  At first with levis this morning to go do the Cat Thing and then, the rest of the day with just the Night Shirt and then later in the early evening the Night Shirt Under the corderoy jumper…..but the face is Me.  I put the curling iron for Julie cause it makes her smile.  The blue streaks are on the mirror still from when i painted those windows,  haven't removed that yet,  so i can remember what is important to DO,  painting windows is NOT

But i am finding reason for REAL joy.  Finding reason for REAL joy.  and it's Good.

the Lilacs have BEGUN TO BLOOM

 

Liz's cloth   

on 3/7 comments,  lindyjane suggested looking at this.   it came today.  The woman who wrote this was part of the documentary Queen of the Sun that Michele found…a documentary that was available for a while on UTube but no longer is.  Only the trailer.  When Jude still had Placekeeping, she had the entire documentary on her sidebar there.  I hope everyone was able to see it then.

How do these go together.  I don't know.  But they do.  and they also go with the thought the other day of wanting someone to talk with.   Although i don't know all of it,  i know from these three things that are related that it's not SOMEONE to talk with,  but something different than that.  It's

some kind of communication that is possible,  available.  

and when there is a Longing for that,  the first response is a reaction to it…a reaction that is really, a way to distract self from the sense of longing.  

Thank you Liz and thank you lindyjane.

 

Off the Hoop!   Everything is stable…the undulating of the Substance that floats the fragment of Soul.  Which again,  is a very WonderFull piece of Deb Lacativa's dye artistry.  So perfect.  It is difficult to see,  all the small small stitches that hold it all in place,  easier with the Cloth actually there.  It is recycled damask and so has a glow and a sheen.  Ahh.    And this Tassel.  I'd looked forward to it here,  but now see that it won't work.  There is too much weight to it,  so am not sure.  May make one of light threads.  Maybe.  So now,  to just Be.  On the Wall for some time.  To listen.  But i don't think there is really anything more.  

And how can i say this.  This is really the first time that i have ummm,  departed from Jude's teachings and created my own way to use those teachings?  Using the invisible baste,  well,  the basic idea of it,  because i DID make it a little visible at times,  but using it in this way, clustered,  to create the uhhh, movement…well,  not create,  but Hold the movement of the Cloth…without stitching it Down,  which would have had an entirely different affect, that i Didn't want.  I am Very Happy about this.  

 

 

 

and all this while of stitching,  i have watched this form.  More and more it appears as an embryonic energy,  and i was thinking today…maybe this is the New that has been magnetized by the process of the Fragmenting being,  the Next….coming near.  Ready.

Am very very VERY happy about this Cloth.

i wish i could make some things in Neon.

It was an odd day.  The day itself was very Beauty Full and Excellent but i was going along in an unusual space for me,  i was wishing i had someone to Talk to.    I don't know why.  Ordinarily i am so Glad that i don't need to talk.   But today…there was the urge to Talk…to say stuff,  with my voice,  to hear my own voice,  listen for those places where it "cracks" because something of importance is being said.  And i

thought about Who i might Talk to and realized as my Granddaughter has pointed out now and then,

i just want a clone of mySelf.  And,  i  guess this is true.  If i really wanted just someone to talk to,  i could pull that off relatively easily.  But that's not it.  I want someone to talk to about the specific things i want to talk about.  and that gets tricky.  So the day kind of went along with this theme.  And i kept looking at it.  Closely.  Thinking about just what would i want to TELL,  if there were a clone here.  I stitched.

 

both these are darker than they really are,  but i do this in hope that if you double click you might see the oh so small stitches that are Holding Place.  I think it's working.  and the sense of satisfaction in putting them here is immense.

And then…the cause for Celebration.  I'd tried to get hold of Travis, the young Certified Nursing Assistant, CNA from the old folks home,  tried to get him on the phone and left a couple messages.  And he called.  He called AFTER  having gone to the Old Cowboy's and HELPING HIM WITH A SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    he called and it was DONE.  he said that they had a great time and everything was OK and that OCB needs a cover for his toilet seat to sit on when he comes out of the shower and that they need some Eucerine Lotion for his skin that is in pretty ify shape and that  instead of going every OTHER week as i had imagined,  it would make more sense for him to go EVERY MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  oh YAY and beyond…………YES!  He will go every monday and shower and shave the old guy's head and set the scene for whatever is to come.  He EVEN will trim his toe nails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!  Trim his toe nails, which had me covering my face….oh!  It can't get more great than this.  It really Can't.

and so we are just going.   This is what is so much HUGE goodness for now.  And good and dear Old Cowboy said to him that this is the easy part,  that it's going to get ugly.  Oh Hooray for Old Cowboy to be able to say this.  And he LIKES Travis,  as i knew he would.  And Travis is so used to people so much more lost than the OCB that he seems like a piece of cake.  

So Here we Go.  I have a partner.  Between the two of us,  i am confident we can do whatever is on that Horizon.  We can Do It.   o.    just o and o so so great!

 

Work away at Old Cowboy's.

Long phone with son

Cuban Oregano.  Went to pick up my sweatshirt that i'd left behind and given this Start from a Mother Plant Peggy was given 5 years ago by a doctor of oriental medicine.      It looks like Medicine, doesn't it.

Clean sheets.  Washed in the Old Cowboy's washer.  Hung to dry in the Wind here.  Clean sheets, Mo.